dendrast
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At sixty-eight, I'm quite happy not to be thinking about it all the time.
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Sex and the older person
- Thread starter ruby sparks
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I've never actually tried tantric but to me the journey is the enjoyable part, orgasm is a biological demand to be delayed as long as possible.
ruby sparks
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Rarely, imo, does one article seem to cover almost all the angles and cover them in a neutral, reasonable, intelligent way, but that one does, imo.
Also, on a general note, I think you'd probably make a good sex therapist.
And finally, and you probably already appreciate this, it sounds like you're well above averagely lucky in that you still have a healthy sex drive and a suitable, like-minded partner. I'm sure neither he nor things generally are perfect, of course, but by and large things sound good for you, in that department at least. Not that I'm whining. I'm lucky too. Perhaps not so much in that specific department, but hey, it's not the be all and end all, and things are looking up.
southernhybrid
Contributor
Yes. We are both fortunate to have had the experience of enjoying long lasting relationships. One of the most important parts of a happy marriage is to be able to argue and disagree but never hold it over to the next day.
Being a sex therapist would be a lot of fun for me.
And, I think it's great that you have a positive attitude about your future sexual relationship with your spouse. But, as you mentioned, there are many aspects of our relationships that are just as or more important than sex. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
One more thing about disagreements. Makeup sex is great!
ruby sparks
Contributor
You manage that? Bloomin' monkeys!
I can't say the same. With us, it's been more of a case of holding on to (at least some) grievances for years! Lol.
But have turned quite a big corner recently, and entering a good place at the moment. Not yet in one of the (pun) ways I'm hoping for...but hey. Who knows?
ruby sparks
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ETA: "Bloomin' monkeys" (or "bloody monkeys" as I often say it) is just an expression of general surprise and nothing at all to do with monkeys, not even bonobos.
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This thread is getting me hot.
And now with monkeys!
And now with monkeys!
ruby sparks
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[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoDaYW8pPnU[/YOUTUBE]
Tigers!
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Yes please
southernhybrid
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This thread is getting me hot.
And now with monkeys!
I know. Right?
I gotta go do my aerobic exercises. Exercise helps us oldies too.- - - Updated - - -
I don't think about it all the time, but I still think about it enough of the time.
southernhybrid
Contributor
You manage that? Bloomin' monkeys!
I can't say the same. With us, it's been more of a case of holding on to (at least some) grievances for years! Lol.
But have turned quite a big corner recently, and entering a good place at the moment. Not yet in one of the (pun) ways I'm hoping for...but hey. Who knows?
Yes. We've always had the rule that we don't sweat the small stuff and everything is small stuff. It's worked for us so far. I even made a CD mix of old soul songs that is specifically used for make up sex. Songs like, "Neither one of us Wants to be the First to say Goodbye", and a lot more.
ruby sparks
Contributor
Musical sex therapy. My guess is that there's a gap in the market which is wide open for that.
southernhybrid
Contributor
LOL! Black Americans already figured that out, since there is an over abundance of sexy black soul music, aka slow jams. It's all old school soul, as far as I know. I suppose there are other types of sexy music, but imo, you can't beat those old emotional soul songs, ie. "Between the Sheets", "Woman's gotta have it", "Slow hand man", "Love Attack", etc.
If anyone is interested, I'll look at my collection and give you more ideas.
I'm of the age where my bachelor friends, age 40 and up, are for all practical purposes, celibate. They'd be happy if a woman fell in their lap, but won't make any effort.
One of the many aspects of this problem, for men and women alike, is we learn our sexuality(humans are the only animal which has to learn its sexuality) when we are hormone addled teenagers. It's easy to believe this state will remain forever. The last time I was a bachelor, in my 30's, I met a lot of women who like myself, were dating again. They were confused because men didn't behave as they expected, because they were still using the high school boy model.
The plain fact is, at some point, the hormones level off and our sex drive tapers off from insane levels. Sometime after that, is a steep decline. For the aging bachelor, this can go unnoticed. A married man's wife might look up from the laundry basket one day and realize she can't remember the last time. She might not mind all that much, but I've talked to plenty of women who complain bitterly.
Aside from hormones, the greatest reason for diminished sex drive in women, is exhaustion. A woman who lives in a household with children can easily work 100 hours a week. This doesn't leave much time for satisfying sex and unsatisfying sex is the easiest kind to let go. For a man, the greatest reason is his own physical condition. Sex requires more physical exertion and the reward is less. It has to be easy, or it's too easy to let it pass. Part of this is the problem of the old teenage sexuality model. The raging passion they once felt, is just not there anymore. Often this gets blamed on familiarity. There is a great aphrodisiac effect from having someone new find you attractive, but this is short lived. Many men and women have discovered how short that life is.
Where a teenager's sex life(real or imagined) is like a weeds that sprout and grow anywhere, under the harshest conditions. They don't need much water or light and are impossible to kill. A middle aged sex life is more like a hot house flower. It has to be nurtured and maintained. You can't forget to water an orchid for a month and expect it to bloom. This noticeable loss of passion can be depressing. There is no more movie style sex where everyone tears off their clothes in the kitchen. That's just not going to work. More planning is needed. I once heard a stand up comic say, "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." That is true at some point in a man's life, but not forever. For a middle aged and older man, a satisfying sex life depends first on having a woman who wants to have sex with him, and second, not just a place, but a time, as well. It's not spontaneous, because spontaneous is unreliable. In place of spontaneous, we get easy.
One of the many aspects of this problem, for men and women alike, is we learn our sexuality(humans are the only animal which has to learn its sexuality) when we are hormone addled teenagers. It's easy to believe this state will remain forever. The last time I was a bachelor, in my 30's, I met a lot of women who like myself, were dating again. They were confused because men didn't behave as they expected, because they were still using the high school boy model.
The plain fact is, at some point, the hormones level off and our sex drive tapers off from insane levels. Sometime after that, is a steep decline. For the aging bachelor, this can go unnoticed. A married man's wife might look up from the laundry basket one day and realize she can't remember the last time. She might not mind all that much, but I've talked to plenty of women who complain bitterly.
Aside from hormones, the greatest reason for diminished sex drive in women, is exhaustion. A woman who lives in a household with children can easily work 100 hours a week. This doesn't leave much time for satisfying sex and unsatisfying sex is the easiest kind to let go. For a man, the greatest reason is his own physical condition. Sex requires more physical exertion and the reward is less. It has to be easy, or it's too easy to let it pass. Part of this is the problem of the old teenage sexuality model. The raging passion they once felt, is just not there anymore. Often this gets blamed on familiarity. There is a great aphrodisiac effect from having someone new find you attractive, but this is short lived. Many men and women have discovered how short that life is.
Where a teenager's sex life(real or imagined) is like a weeds that sprout and grow anywhere, under the harshest conditions. They don't need much water or light and are impossible to kill. A middle aged sex life is more like a hot house flower. It has to be nurtured and maintained. You can't forget to water an orchid for a month and expect it to bloom. This noticeable loss of passion can be depressing. There is no more movie style sex where everyone tears off their clothes in the kitchen. That's just not going to work. More planning is needed. I once heard a stand up comic say, "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." That is true at some point in a man's life, but not forever. For a middle aged and older man, a satisfying sex life depends first on having a woman who wants to have sex with him, and second, not just a place, but a time, as well. It's not spontaneous, because spontaneous is unreliable. In place of spontaneous, we get easy.
southernhybrid
Contributor
Here's another thought I had yesterday. Some women, seem to simply give up on sex once they reach menopause. I had a friend that literally said, "I'm through with sex," when she reached the age of 50 or so. She still has the same partner. Maybe he doesn't care that much, but I was pretty shocked when she said it. Sure, there are challenges for us older women, but if you don't even want to try to solve the problems, I guess it means celibacy. I guess there are men that also give up if they start having difficulty getting aroused. I simply don't understand that attitude if one has a partner.
On the other hand, I've known sexually active women that were over 80 so it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. My favorite memory is from a couple of octogenarians that asked one of the home health nurses when they could resume their sex life, after the woman had surgery. That was many years ago, but I'll always remember them. There is always hope.
On the other hand, I've known sexually active women that were over 80 so it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. My favorite memory is from a couple of octogenarians that asked one of the home health nurses when they could resume their sex life, after the woman had surgery. That was many years ago, but I'll always remember them. There is always hope.
southernhybrid
Contributor
You make some good points, but I assure you that one can still have passionate, exciting sex at the age of 68. I read yesterday that Jane Fonda is still sexually active and she's 77. Of course we're all not as beautiful as Jane, but a lot of happily married couples see their mates as just as attractive as they were in their younger days.
I do agree with you about sex not being as spontaneous. Some might think this it's silly but my husband and I plan "date nights." It's sort of a joke that we use that term, but date night means we will have sex and enjoy each other's company exclusively on those evenings. Since I stopped working about 6 weeks ago, we've doubled our date nights. Working two days a week at my age was very tiresome. I may not always be in the mood, but I know I can get in the mood and planning our next date night is always fun. I have a reason to have sex. It feels great and it bonds me to my mate. Intercourse is a much smaller part of sex in old age, but there are so many things a couple can do before or instead of intercourse. People can experiment a little, have a sense of humor and use their imaginations. I would think that a couple could plan a date night at least once a week. I'm thinking of couples that don't have any medical problems that might prohibit that. So, I suggest to those that may be wanting to get their sexy back on, simply agree to try on a particular day of the week. Then plan the next time. It gives you something to look forward to.
Emily Lake
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Take a vacation to Washington or Colorado or Amsterdam.
Generally speaking, I'm in my mid-forties, married for 22 years, mostly heterosexual (although I'm not opposed to a pair of nice boobies).
Our sex life has slowed down considerably from when we were younger - we now have sex only a handful of times a year. But there's still a lot of affection, and we both enjoy our "personal" time. There are a lot of contributors to the slow down. My stress is a large part of it, conflated by dramatically different schedules and the fact that we both end up horny at very different times of day. He's pretty much a night owl, and I'm an early bird. He tends to find his libido revving up around 2 AM... mine is (very inconveniently) usually around about 10 AM.
Part of the slow down has been some medical issues. Personal information warning!
The impact of that event has been... complicated. Prior to surgery, I had several years where sex felt great, but orgasms caused intense cramping. It passed quickly, and I was willing to roll with it... but I still ended up in a situation where sex was frequently painful for me. Post surgery, my spouse treated my like a delicate doll... and frankly had become a bit frightened of my vagina - clearly my lady parts were trying to kill me, and he didn't want to anger them! It took a couple of years to get over the whole thing, to a point where my vagina is no longer scary, and he's confident I'm not going to die from sex.
But mixed in with that, there's been a reduction in libido. Some of that is simply that my family tends to hit menopause pretty early, and I'm already having the first symptoms. Some of it is an increase in the frequency of migraines simply putting me not in the mood. And some of it is the medicines I take for other conditions that tend to dry me out.
And if I'm honest... some of it is certainly self-esteem. Both of us have gained a fair bit of weight over time, and it's hit a point where all love aside, we both end up being self-conscious when naked. I simply don't feel attractive - I mostly feel like a small cow shoved into people clothes. I'm working on that, but it still has an effect on our love life.
So anyway... Let's talk about sex for not-so-young folks! Lube is a good thing to have, it's a life saver. Toys can add to the fun of it. Weed definitely seems to increase libido (thought not necessarily orgasm). And being able to talk and even laugh during sex is totally worth it!
Emily Lake
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Lol, we went though the "grass is greener" stage at one point. Role playing doesn't have to be super complicated. For us, I bought a couple of cheap wigs and some high heeled shoes I would never wear outside the house. He bought a pair of cowboy boots and a western-style shirt. It was just enough to add some difference to the process.
I will say, however, that we are unusually communicative with each other. I know what kind of porn he likes, and he occasionally shares some with me. We talk about the fantasies we have while masturbating, as well as the occasionally random sex dream involving some random person (or not so random sometimes). We both comment on other people that we find attractive, and neither of us are shy about it (for example, Jason Momoa OMG.. and I've now added the flag-bearer for Tonga to my laminated list).
Emily Lake
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Just you wait.
Brace yourself for your midlife crisis.
Kidding. Good points all of them.
I do suspect though, from what I've heard, read and experienced, that the urge for new and different, casual and baggage-free sex, is often to do with wanting to actually commit infidelity, wisely or unwisely as that may be, and I doubt if any two 'predicaments', male or female, are the same. I also reckon that men and women generally or often cheat for slightly different reasons, but that's a generalisation and may not apply in any individual case.
I don't think I agree with you on this. It's hard to say, not having had this discussion with a whole lot of people... but it certainly hasn't been my experience.
I think it's more basic than that. It's that desire for something different - it hits every other aspect of our lives, sex isn't really any different in that regard. In fact, the first instance with my spouse was maybe a year after we started dating - before we even got married. His previous girlfriend was a tall, busty, redhead. He developed a "craving" for petite, small-breasted, brunettes. After his prior relationship went spectacularly south, it was still little brunettes that caught his eye... and I was one of those. But just a year after we became involved, he found himself eyeballing tall blonds, or voluptuous redheads. We talked about it... which was helpful, because we also established that I have no objection to him masturbating to whatever he wants - I don't find it offensive, I don't think it's a slight on me in any way, and it simply feels good. Plus, even at my peak I wasn't up for the 3 times a day that he could happily get behind if given a chance.
Turns out that given the okay to let his eye wander, and to fap to whatever caught his interest... he still ends up liking petite brunettes most of the time
Emily Lake
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Does she read? I would recommend the Outlander series. It's not technically porn... but it's definitely fantasy fuel. Although I occasionally watch videos, I'm much more inclined to read erotic literature. My imagination is almost always better than the video director's. Also, since I'm a bit of a geek, there's a LOT of video-game erotic fanfic out there. Which works for me.