Someone threatens suicide

[BH]

I live in Texas. Many years ago a cousin of mine threatens to suicide and his mother called several relatives to try to come over and help. My father and mother was called and they asked me if I wanted to go over and try to talk to him but I told my father I didn't want to . I recommended calling the police. The cousin was a pretty good size guy so if he was willing to hurt others before he did himself in he could have done some damage to my father or me or both. In the end an aunt told him to shut up over the phone or she would call the police. The cousin later had a heart attack and died that night.

To be honest I didn't like the cousin that much or his mom and still don't like the mom to this day. But that isn't why I didn't go help. I really did feel I couldn't have won a physical struggle with him if there was one and my father wasn't in any shape to fight anyone at all .

I still feel haunted by this to this day. I don't beat myself or feel guilty---his mom called back a few minutes later saying he calmed down. It's just something tells me we all could have done better.

Any opinions?

 

[Gospel]

I totally understand why this stuck with you, especially years later. But for something like that, it’s fairly common that we look back and wonder if things could have transpired differently, or burden ourselves with doubts that we could have done more. Based on what you've shared, it sounds to me like you made an important decision in that moment that weighed the potential risks to those involved: your father, you, and anyone around you.

As you might expect, in a crisis we cannot always know or do precisely the right thing, and your advice to call the police helps point to that: you were motivated by a desire to avoid making things worse than they already were. It’s also fair to assume that you had concerns about your safety, and that also played a part in your decision to call the police. Sometimes these concerns are well-placed, and the best thing to do is to extricate yourself from an encounter as safely and quickly as possible.

It’s very human to think: ‘I should have done better’ but that does not mean you failed; you responded out of care and concern in a challenging situation, and that is all any of us can ask of ourselves. I hope you can find some solace in yourself for doing your best at the time.

 

[Elixir]

something tells me we all could have done better.

Any opinions?

Something is ALWAYS telling us that, when things happen and we wish they didn’t.
And yeah maybe it’s so. But we DIDN’T “do better”, so the best we can do is to know next time going in, that our humanity is what will prevail, not our mental construct of a more perfect version of ourselves.

It sounds to me like you probably could have done MUCH worse, and it may not have been possible to do any better, especially since nobody seems to have anticipated a heart attack. But that doesn’t help much, does it?

I understand the haunting. Your story brought back the death of my “girlfriend” at age seven. She fell from a horse and hit her head on a rock. I had nothing to do with it but we were so tied together that I was unable then and remain unable to this day, to totally extricate myself from the whole tragic causal chain. That there is nothing I could have done, doesn’t help.

Time wounds all heels, but seems to fall short of healing all wounds.

 

[GenesisNemesis]

Someone could be going through stuff at any time and you'll never know, that could make it too stressful for them to help, so I wouldn't judge someone for not wanting to help. In my case though my father had suicidal ideation (I guess he eventually did kill himself with alcohol), but I never cared enough to help him and I have no regret about it. Was a bit too pissed off about him as a person to care.

 

[steve_bank]

It sounds like one of those damned if you do damned if you don't situations.

There is no upside to any choice you make.

 

[southernhybrid]

I'm sorry you feel a bit haunted about what happened regarding your cousin. I tend to think that when someone is seriously thinking about suicide, they usually or always keep it to themselves. I had an uncle who suffered from severe depression for most or all of his adult life, but not once do I recall him ever threatening suicide. But, one day, he killed himself by hanging. He had been in and out of mental hospitals, and treated with whatever drugs were available back then. His wife left him because she couldn't take his gloominess anymore. I doubt anyone could have helped him, and his death was a relief from his endless suffering.

Your cousin died of a heart attack and I doubt there was a thing you could have done for him. It was a difficult situation, but had nothing to do directly with you.

I guess I'm lucky because I rarely if ever regret doing or not doing something in the past. I figure that none of us are perfect and I can't change the past, so why let it bother me? Maybe I'm not being helpful, but you asked for opinions and that's mine. Hope you can move on.