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Triage Categories taught at Star Fleet Medical

Keith&Co.

Keith&Co.

Contributor
Joined
Mar 31, 2006
Messages
22,444
Location
Far Western Mass
Gender
Here.
Basic Beliefs
I'm here...
Human
1. Immediate (patient need for care to save their life is so great that this wound may be mentioned in another episode)
2. Delayed (patient needs care to save life, but will be completely recovered by the next episode)
3. Minor (patient needs care to save life, but will be completely recovered by the next commercial break)
4. Dead (contract negotiations terminated)


Ferengi
1. Cash (immediate profit)
2. Valuables (Profit after fencing)
3. Credit (profit delayed for paperwork)
4. Organ Donor (profit through the sale of organs)


Klingon
1. Ambulatory (likely to chase you down if you move to new patient)
2. Armed (likely to shoot you if you move to new patient)
3. Dead (Immediate death rites necessary)
4. Honored (patient is busy making sure the wound leaves an impressive scar. Hand him a scalpel and a mirror and move on)


Vulcan
1. Stoicism complaint (wound threatens patient’s ability to maintain a straight face and strangle own screams)
2. Neurological complaint (problem threatens patient’s intellect)
3. Vocal complaint (problem threatens patient’s ability to describe his superiority to human intellect)
4. Coiffure complaint (hair or dress does not meet the Vulcan Science Academy Dress Code)


Hologram
1. Memory Loss (permanent damage to holo-personality)
2. Power Loss (temporary discontinuity of holo-personality)
3. Copyright Infringement (Holopersonality showing up in Ferengi commercials
4. Blue Cloud of Death


Packled
1. Cannibalization Emergency (condition may make bodily organs unsuitable for transfer to more valuable patients)
2. Major (patient can be saved if no other patients in ER or waiting room, and no other pressing duties such as a barber appointment)
3. Minor (patient can be saved with little to no need of exertion by medical staff. Throw them a roll of gauze and move on)
4. Brain Dead (generally marked ‘preexisting condition’ on charts)
 
Horta:
Damage is such that the attending physician could refer to himself as (listed in order of magnitude of damage):
1. Bricklayer
2. Stone mason
3. Plasterer
4. Petrologist
 
....and my wife just realized that a coroner on Janus VI (planet with hortas) might be considered a pathologist petrologist....
 
Vulcan Romulan
1. Stoicism complaint (wound threatens patient’s ability to maintain a straight face and strangle own screams)
2. Neurological complaint (problem threatens patient’s intellect ability to be duplicitous)
3. Vocal complaint (problem threatens patient’s ability to describe his superiority to human intellect to weakling Federation stooges)
4. Coiffure complaint (hair or dress does not meet the Vulcan Science Romulan Duplicity Academy Dress Code)
 
Chameloids (Iman, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)
1. Unconscious or Natural (body has relaxed to unenhanced state, largely amorphous, no referents or analogies to familiar races) (Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not Thor Heyerdahl!)
2. Delirious (body spontaneously shapeshifting, aggravating treatment as organs move and change size without any damned warning) (Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a stunt coordinator!)
3. Dazed (able to shift and move wounds and major organs to convenient locations upon direction from doc) (Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a choreographer)
4. Coherent (able to shift and alter wounds to less stressful injuries) (Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not an audience)
 
hylidae said:
I see someone spends a lot of time at memory-alpha.org. :D
Click to expand...
No, just time spent quietly in the back of the conference room during 'start of work' meetings.
Training never has any input for 'start of work' meetings. So i don't even have to pay attention waiting for someone to call my name....
 
Hopefully, last one. But there is a long meeting tomorrow...




Caitian (M’Ress from ST:Animated)
1. Aggravated (Treatment will be delayed by yet another search for ‘I mean it this time’ bite-proof protective facial gear)
2. Agitated (Treatment will be delayed by a search for claw-proof protective clothing)
3. Restless (Treatment will be delayed by a search for ensign under or behind sickbay furniture)
4. Fussy (Treatment will be delayed by attempts to calm the lieutenant with her favorite chew toy)(unless favorite chew toy is a superior officer(all bets are off for ensigns or enlisted))

Research scientists at an isolated location
1. Race against the clock (They’re dead, but we must work fast to preserve their research, which holds the key to saving the galaxy from their fate.)
2. Race against the clock (They’re dead, but we must work fast to preserve their research, which holds the key to saving the ship from their fate.)
3. Race against the clock (They’re dead, but we must work fast to preserve their research, else they died in vain.)
4. False Alarm (What? No, no, we’re all fine. Sorry for the fuss, we just forgot to answer our correspondence… )(largely hypothetical outcome)

Pre-First Contact Aliens
1. Crucial (The only way to save the entire species requires violating the Prime Directive)
2. Critical (The only way to save a significant population of natives involves violating the Prime Directive)
3. Vital (The most efficient way to save one cute and innocent member of the species suggests violating the Prime Directive)
4. Whoops. (So there we were, violating the Prime Directive, when we accidentally endangered a few natives….)
 
I have been completely outgeeked by you guys.

I shall now proceed to perform ritual Hegh'bat to restore my honor. Today is a good day to die.
 
hylidae said:
I do not miss meetings.
Click to expand...

I like meetings: it's a good chance to hear idiots, sorry managers, talk about nothing very much while I get paid for it. Far better than actually doing real work. Oftentimes I sit thinking about Star Trek, half listening for the useful snippets that come along occasionally.
 
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