Men - Have you felt a woman's fear?

[Tigers!]

Have you ever been in the situation where you have felt a women's fear of you? Let me explain.

Around 1981-82 a rapist was on the loose in Melbourne, Australia. He had raped 3 women in lifts and was called the 'Lift rapist'.
I thought little about it at the time except to wonder why some men do that. One day I entered a lift in a skyscraper. The lift went up and before my floor it stopped and a woman entered the lift. She took the diagonal corner to me and turned to face half way around from me. Within a few moments I felt a sensation I had never felt before, nor since. I could feel or sense fear.
It was somewhat puzzling. The lift stopped at my floor and I got off. I thought no more about it for a few weeks until a fellow was arrested over the rapes. I remembered that incident and thought more about it.
Part of me could understand her fear as she did not know me and I could have been that rapist.
Part of me though was outraged. I was being accused by her for no reason except for my gender.

Has anyone else ever had that sensation?

 

[ruby sparks]

I can't recall a situation in which I could definitely knew a woman was fearful of me. Maybe my memory is faulty.

But I have on many occasions thought that it might be the case, without knowing for sure. For instance, if I'm walking along a quiet street at night and there is a woman walking in front of me going in the same direction, and I am walking faster than her, I might cross over to the other side of the street so as not to risk alarming her by approaching from behind.

 

[ruby sparks]

Part of me could understand her fear as she did not know me and I could have been that rapist.
Part of me though was outraged. I was being accused by her for no reason except for my gender.?

But maybe there was no accusation at all, just fear and uncertainty. The part of you that got that was probably right.

 

[Lion IRC]

Nope - never.
I scrupulously avoid situations like that. I take the next lift. I won't stay late at the office with fewer than 3 people. I cross the road to avoid sharing a footpath with a woman walking alone in the evening. I'll stand rather than take a seat next to an unescorted woman. I recently stopped roadside to assist one evening with a fallen tree blocking the road ahead and the car in front of me from which a (young) woman got out. I insisted she stay in her car with the doors locked while I did my best lumberjack impersonation.

Is it fair that some/many women feel fear in certain social situations - especially alone after dark?
No it's not.
But warning people (daughters, sisters, wives, aunts) not to bleed where sharks swim, isn't victim blaming. And men adhering to the Mike Pence Rule should be praised - not maligned.

 

[Sarpedon]

I was going to school in Washington at the time of the Beltway Sniper. I had to wait at a bus stop just an 1/8th of a mile from the Beltway. So yes, I know.

 

[rousseau]

I'd be surprised if any adult man hasn't made a woman slightly afraid, whether they've sensed it or not. I'm reasonably sure even past girlfriends I've had were a bit nervous around me until I thoroughly gained their trust, including my current partner who I just married.

Lots of men are at best a bit of a pest, at worst dangerous. It's likely most men give off that vibe more often than they realize.

 

[TSwizzle]

Years ago, a woman I didn't know and I both got off a bus at the same time. It was quite late, 10:30pm, very dark and the street was deserted. We both headed in the same direction. I was behind her, probably about two car lengths. We walked for while in he same direction, both taking the same streets. I really wanted to get in front of her because I felt she as getting edgy but then I thought this will make matters worse so I slowed down a bit and let the gap increase. She turned onto the same street I was going for and for a few seconds she was out of my sight. Then when I turned onto the street, she was pretty much running away. I felt terrible. The street we were on is the street where I lived and I knew most people on that street but I did not recognize her as being local to that street and there are no other streets that run off it. She would have had to have walked to the other end of the street before she could have gone anywhere else. Maybe she took my street to try to get away from me. That is awful.

 

[James Brown]

Sure, I've sensed a woman's fear of me. Years ago I was standing at a bus stop. I saw a woman walking toward me carrying some grocery bags. When she got within twenty-five yards of me she stopped, crossed the busy road and continued to walk on the other side of the road past me. When she got about twenty-five yards past me, she crossed the road a second time back and continued on her way.

It was the middle of a bright sunny day between an apartment complex and a heavily-traveled street. But this woman took her life into her hands twice and added perhaps five minutes to her journey just to avoid getting within arms' reach of me.

I felt bad for her.

 

[thebeave]

My last girlfriend had a little freakout on me. We hadn't yet been intimate (by her choice, but OK by me). One night we were just kinda playing around on her couch and getting goofy with each other, and I picked her up (sorta cradled in my arms like a baby), and she just freaked out. Total fear and panic look on her face. She insisted I put her down, which I did. Had no idea what her beef was. Later I repondered the situation, and the only thing I could think of was that she thought I was going to forcefully take her into her bedroom and rape her.

 

[Gun Nut]

I am very sensitive to how other people might feel about how I approach or speak to them... or even how I look at them.

Something that really irks me is when I begin speaking to a woman and the first thing she does is adjust the top of her shirt to cover herself more.

She is silently telling me to not look at her tits. I'm not... not right in front of her where it would make her uncomfortable. that's idiotic.

What I wish I could say, but don't, I just ignore the whole thing and keep talking to her like a regular person (like she is), is, "Fuck you, I'm not looking at your chest, I'm not going to look at your chest, because there are a million of you on the internet that are happy to show anyone their tits, and I am married to a wonderful pair of tits, err, I mean a wonderful woman, and get over your sorry self".

So, ya, I detect that discomfort women feel around men... and their misplaced actions offend me.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

So, ya, I detect that discomfort women feel around men... and their misplaced actions offend me.

Is it "misplaced", though? If women are subjected to sexual harassment by men over the entire course of their lives (and they seem to be constantly telling us that they are, no matter how hard we try to ignore them), then it's not unreasonable for them to have an automatic defense against the potential of it when talking to men in general. If men keep staring at her tits again and again and again, the default action of trying to make her tits less stareable-at at the beginning of a conversation with a man makes sense, even if that specific man isn't ogling her.

As an example, I was a skinny little nerd as a teenager and was constantly bullied by larger jocks. This resulted in my hunching over and looking at the ground whenever a jock or group of them was around in order to preemptively avoid their notice and any bullying which may have occurred as a result of that notice. In most of those cases, the specific people whom I was around had never bullied me and (in retrospect) likely would have never even considered doing so, but it had happened to me enough for a long enough period that this was my default action in those situations.

It's the same thing when women engage in anti-ogling behaviour. It's not about you, so stop being offended by it. It's about the fact that there's a large enough group of men who ogle her breasts in conversations frequently enough that her default response is a preemptive action.

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

No, never happened to me, never felt like I was making someone afraid. I must look cuddly and harmless, though not a little guy.

The opposite has happened many times. A couple times I was thinking "am I being set up or what," like when someone sits down beside you on the BART and says they're trying to avoid the creep.

 

[Gun Nut]

Just got off the elevator on my way back to work and almost bumped into someone coming around the corner. I said, "excuse me", and SHE said, "sorry, honey".

If what we said to each other in passing was reversed, it would have been a national disaster.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Just got off the elevator on my way back to work and almost bumped into someone coming around the corner. I said, "excuse me", and SHE said, "sorry, honey".

If what we said to each other in passing was reversed, it would have been a national disaster.

Oh my god, you are so terribly oppressed.

Please take a couple sick days off work to sit in your safe space with an herbal tea and some calming ocean sounds music. One can't expect you to go into the office with the PTSD you got from that encounter.

 

[Lion IRC]

Mocking the #metoo snowflakes Tom?
I can't tell.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Mocking the #metoo snowflakes Tom?
I can't tell.

No, mocking the conservative snowflakes.

They’re a lot funnier than the #metoo snowflakes because it contrasts so hypocritically with the traditional conservative values of toughness and stoic senses of self-worth when they cry about how oppressed they are, especially in the absence of any oppression.

It’s just really funny.

 

[Politesse]

Had a lot to do with the end if my marriage really. We do not have a healthy society with respect to sexual polarity.

 

[BH]

One time a lady I knew very well was wearing a very pretty necklace. I complimented the necklace and said it was very pretty and she gasped for air when I told her. The only thing I could think of is she thought I was checking out her rack, but she was covered from the neck down and do not really show any form. Her necklace was pretty with its medallion and all.

 

[Gun Nut]

Just got off the elevator on my way back to work and almost bumped into someone coming around the corner. I said, "excuse me", and SHE said, "sorry, honey".

If what we said to each other in passing was reversed, it would have been a national disaster.

Oh my god, you are so terribly oppressed.

Please take a couple sick days off work to sit in your safe space with an herbal tea and some calming ocean sounds music. One can't expect you to go into the office with the PTSD you got from that encounter.

Oh Tom, you poor thing... You should know that if the story was reversed and you said that to the woman that didn't want to be called "honey" by a stranger, you would be castrated and then shot. so, please, be very careful... after all, people are accepting that gender is just a point of view... so you never know if the person you are mocking is someone you can get away with mocking (male, versus female).

 

[Gun Nut]

One time a lady I knew very well was wearing a very pretty necklace. I complimented the necklace and said it was very pretty and she gasped for air when I told her. The only thing I could think of is she thought I was checking out her rack, but she was covered from the neck down and do not really show any form. Her necklace was pretty with its medallion and all.

I find it's best to just ignore women in public. Instead of smiling and nodding in passing in a silent "good morning", I turn away and just walk past them like they weren't there.. I imagine someday they will start complaining about "being ignored in the workplace", but that is what they bring upon themselves.

"Should I give the promotion to Sam, or Samantha"?
"Well, they are both qualified, but Sam seems very engaging and friendly"
"what about Samantha"?
"I don't know, I never had a conversation with her... is she even friendly at all"?
"I don't know anything about her. We need someone that is engaging and able to build professional relationships"
"I guess Sam is the one, then"