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Free cars, and other stuff, September 25th!

S

SLD

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It’s finally arrived folks. That’s right, the rapture is coming and we can finally have the world to ourselves! September 25th is the latest and greatest prediction. That means there will be lots of free stuff to get just as soon as it gets here. Living in the Bible Belt does have its advantages.



Yes. The internet is abuzz that it’s coming soon, and it’s September 25th. That’s right after Rosh Hashanah, right?IMG_7617.jpeg
 
So we have three and a half weeks to claim dibs on Christian property? I'm for it, but there are so many caveats...
1- I've actually been in my born-again Christian cousins' homes, and trust me, there's a lot of stuff that's boring AF. The Left Behind books, you think I want to read them during the actual Tribulation? Susan Boyle CDs, I mean, what the fuck? Tasteful Colonial furniture and window treatments. Precious Moments collections in glass cases. I'm getting ill just making this list. Okay, they drive nice cars, but I like what I'm driving, and I think by mid-October there will be such a glut in the used car market with dead believers' cars, vans, church buses, that we'll all be jaded with the car idea.
2- I am excited by the sudden access to church buildings. Here's where we can get creative. I know a lot of us want the churches to become whorehouses and ale houses, but I'm older than most of you. I want at least some of 'em to become coffee houses. (Okay, for old times sake, let's turn Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg into a 70s style gay bathhouse, with an extra large dark room, just to make Jerry Falwell's corpse spin, fume, and smoke.) So that will be a plus.
3- Everybody realizes that Trump's staying put, right??? Plus his damned demon-spawn children and his trophy wife, PLUS Stephen Miller (you'll finally find out what that purse-lipped smile is really all about), plus his cabinet, plus Vance, and really the entire GOP apparatus. Does anyone anywhere expect Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, or McTurtle to get raptured?? I do not expect the GOP agenda to change in a Satan-dominated world, just the opposite. Trump will be able to say fuck in his State of the Unions, but it was coming to that anyway.
4- Can we FINALLY get atheist money, people? I want Robert Ingersoll on the ten dollar bill. I want the coins and bills to say In God We Once Trusted. I realize the Beast will want to be on at least one of the currency denominations, and that can be negotiated. I'm pretty sure it's a face we've all seen a million times before -- don't Jump to conclusions, but you'd be a Chump if you didn't Bump into the answer I'm thinking of. There was a Clump of hints there.
5- Do we know when on the 25th this all happens? Will the faithful visibly rise up into the clouds? If they leave their cars and houses behind, will they also be buck naked? (If that's the case, I want to be near a gym as opposed to a retirement home.)
6- The moderators won't allow it, but it would be cool to run a betting pool for the next 24 days on the question of which iidb members will vanish after 9/25. (I'm betting on a maximum of one. Draw you own conclusion.)
7- As always with these asshats, I'll believe it when I see it.
 
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ideologyhunter said:
Do we know when on the 25th this all happens?
Click to expand...
Well, there is no point in time when it is September 25th everywhere on Earth; The shape of the International Date Line means that there are locations which have already passed into the 26th before the 24th has ended everywhere.

Maybe this is the reason why predictions of the end of the world never come to pass - we need a prophet to say something like: "The world will end on September 25th, except in Tonga, Samoa (but not American Samoa), Kiribati, and the Kiribatian Line Islands (but not the American Line Islands of Jarvis Island, Kingman Reef and Palmyra Atoll), where it will end on the 26th"

Careful placement of commas and parentheses is necessary to avoid further delays to armageddon, so ideally the prophet in question should consult a lawyer on the exact form his final prophesy should take.
 
bilby said:
ideologyhunter said:
Do we know when on the 25th this all happens?
Click to expand...
Well, there is no point in time when it is September 25th everywhere on Earth; The shape of the International Date Line means that there are locations which have already passed into the 26th before the 24th has ended everywhere.

Maybe this is the reason why predictions of the end of the world never come to pass - we need a prophet to say something like: "The world will end on September 25th, except in Tonga, Samoa (but not American Samoa), Kiribati, and the Kiribatian Line Islands (but not the American Line Islands of Jarvis Island, Kingman Reef and Palmyra Atoll), where it will end on the 26th"

Careful placement of commas and parentheses is necessary to avoid further delays to armageddon, so ideally the prophet in question should consult a lawyer on the exact form his final prophesy should take.
Click to expand...
Prophecy just needs to be nice and vague to be true, like from Life of Brian:

"And a man shall lose his friend's hammer; and the young shall not know where lieth those things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o' clock..."
 
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