Christian “Prophetess”: In Heaven, Cows Drive Tractors and There’s a Jell-O City

[phands]

This woman is a well known frequent-flier loony, but this episode takes some beating.....

So what have we learned?

• Heaven has different seasons.
• Heaven has a surf park with 80-foot waves (but don’t worry; you’ll be safe).
• Heaven has horses to ride.
• Each floor of Heaven has a different aroma.
• In Spring, the “trees sing, the flowers will dance with you, even the rocks cry out and worship Him.”
• Heaven has “flowercopters” to carry people into the air.
• Heaven has cows that drive tractors.
• In Heaven, kids take art classes taught by rabbits. Giant rabbits. Giant multi-colored rabbits. Who help the kids paint the eggs with “liquid light” so they can draw Minions on them. And inside the eggs are baby chicks or rabbits. Somehow.
• The kids sit on mushrooms that rise up into the air.
• The Easter traditions were invented in Heaven.
• There’s a city in Heaven made out of Jell-O where you can “eat the mailboxes.” Kids love it.
• Heaven has a roller coaster where you leap through the air and go under the sea.

Tell me again how religion isn’t a delusion?

Read the rest at http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/...cows-drive-tractors-and-theres-a-jell-o-city/

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Wait, so the cows live their entire lives in crowded pens, get shot in the head and eaten ... and then their spirits are forced to be our fucking tractor drivers for eternity?

God is a dick to cows. If steaks and hamburgers weren't so damn tasty, I'd boycott the entire industry in protest.

 

[phands]

Wait, so the cows live their entire lives in crowded pens, get shot in the head and eaten ... and then their spirits are forced to be our fucking tractor drivers for eternity?

God is a dick to cows. If steaks and hamburgers weren't so damn tasty, I'd boycott the entire industry in protest.

The industry that should be boycotted is religion.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

The industry that should be boycotted is religion.

That wouldn't help with the fact that there are already billions of cow souls being forced into indentured servitude. Unless, of course, they're choosing to drive tractors and doing so is the cow equivalent of having sex with supermodels and this is just what they've ended up doing in paradise because they think that driving tractors is awesome.

 

[phands]

The industry that should be boycotted is religion.

That wouldn't help with the fact that there are already billions of cow souls being forced into indentured servitude. Unless, of course, they're choosing to drive tractors and doing so is the cow equivalent of having sex with supermodels and this is just what they've ended up doing in paradise because they think that driving tractors is awesome.

Or are those tractor drivers the judas-goat equivalents?

 

[jab]

This woman is a well known frequent-flier loony, but this episode takes some beating.....

So what have we learned?

• Heaven has different seasons.
• Heaven has a surf park with 80-foot waves (but don’t worry; you’ll be safe).
• Heaven has horses to ride.
• Each floor of Heaven has a different aroma.
• In Spring, the “trees sing, the flowers will dance with you, even the rocks cry out and worship Him.”
• Heaven has “flowercopters” to carry people into the air.
• Heaven has cows that drive tractors.
• In Heaven, kids take art classes taught by rabbits. Giant rabbits. Giant multi-colored rabbits. Who help the kids paint the eggs with “liquid light” so they can draw Minions on them. And inside the eggs are baby chicks or rabbits. Somehow.
• The kids sit on mushrooms that rise up into the air.
• The Easter traditions were invented in Heaven.
• There’s a city in Heaven made out of Jell-O where you can “eat the mailboxes.” Kids love it.
• Heaven has a roller coaster where you leap through the air and go under the sea.

Tell me again how religion isn’t a delusion?

Read the rest at http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/...cows-drive-tractors-and-theres-a-jell-o-city/

sounds like a hoax or prank to me--oh wait, what's that you say?---the prophetess' name is Donalda Trump. . . .

 

[ideologyhunter]

If cows became people, why are there still cows? You're welcome.

 

[BH]

Maybe heaven is heaven for good people and hell for bad people at the same time. Maybe those cows were attractive people who used their good looks for immoral means and now they are punished by being cows driving tractors for eternity?

Otherwise I say the whole thing is a lot of bull.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Maybe heaven is heaven for good people and hell for bad people at the same time. Maybe those cows were attractive people who used their good looks for immoral means and now they are punished by being cows driving tractors for eternity?

Otherwise I say the whole thing is a lot of bull.

Well, she's a prophetess, so her visions come directly from God. I think we can trust that when she says "cow", she means cow and not "human soul confined in a cow shape".

 

[southernhybrid]

Maybe heaven is heaven for good people and hell for bad people at the same time. Maybe those cows were attractive people who used their good looks for immoral means and now they are punished by being cows driving tractors for eternity?

Otherwise I say the whole thing is a lot of bull.

Are you trying to say that one man's heaven is another man's hell? Do you remember the old "Twilight Zone" episode about that? I loved that show when I was a kid. That episode was about a biker who died in a crash and was sent to the afterlife. In the afterlife he met an old farming couple that he had absolutely nothing in common with, as he was a cool bad ass and they were just boring. The moral of the episode was of course that the afterlife is all the same, but to some it will seems heavenly and to others it would seem like hell. Of course, the majority of us probably believe that this is the only life we get, so I try to have as much heaven on earth as possible. I'm happy with my life but others might think my life is hellish.

I always think of the words to Amazing Grace, "When we've been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun! We've no less days to sing God's praise, then when we've first begun." That sounds like hell to me. But, there are a lot of Christians that hold very imaginative ideas about their view of heaven. They can be entertaining.

 

[atrib]

Well, she's a prophetess, so her visions come directly from God. I think we can trust that when she says "cow", she means cow and not "human soul confined in a cow shape".

Are you making fun of Hindus who may be scared of being reincarnated as cows in their next life?

 

[WAB]

Seems besides the jello mailboxes there are "horses to ride". How fucking bizarre is that!!!

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Well, she's a prophetess, so her visions come directly from God. I think we can trust that when she says "cow", she means cow and not "human soul confined in a cow shape".

Are you making fun of Hindus who may be scared of being reincarnated as cows in their next life?

I wasn’t planning on it, but Hinduism is pretty fucking stupid, so I’ll just say yes.

 

[WAB]

The more I think about it: cows driving tractors, kids eating Jell-O mailboxes...

Someone's taking the piss?

Then again the Bible contains a talking snake and a massive harvesting of foreskins...

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

[Underseer]

In heaven, cows drive tractors and there's a city made of Jello!

http://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/...cows-drive-tractors-and-theres-a-jell-o-city/

Faith is a virtue.

Faith is accepting conclusions without evidence.

Therefore, the above claim is true as it has no evidence. You gotta have faith if you want to believe!

 

[Elixir]

In heaven, cows drive tractors and there's a city made of Jello!
the above claim is true as it has no evidence.

You're kidding, right? No evidence? Consider -

Without cows, there would be no need for tractors, ergo cows do indeed drive tractors.
And if you're a colony of bacteria, what better place to build your city than in Jello?*
See - faith leads to TROOTH! (All you have to do is bend it a little.)

* I do not have 100% faith in this - has anyone here ever seen Jello rot?

 

[Elixir]

Well, she's a prophetess, so her visions come directly from God. I think we can trust that when she says "cow", she means cow and not "human soul confined in a cow shape".

Are you making fun of Hindus who may be scared of being reincarnated as cows in their next life?

Do you have some beef about making fun of Hindus? That's what everyone in heaven does in their spare time...

 

[Lion IRC]

I love how you and phands compete to see who can cut-n-paste spammy friendlyatheist links the fastest

 

[lpetrich]

As to the Twilight Zone, it has an episode called "A Nice Place to Visit". Some would-be gangster named Rocky dies and he wakes up in the next world. A gentleman named Pip introduces himself as his guide, and he tells Rocky that he can get anything that Rocky might want. Rocky has a lot of fun, winning in gambling, getting the attentions of the ladies, and humiliating a cop. At least at first. He asks Pip what he has done to be worthy of this, and Pip shows him his file. Lots and lots of mischief and nasty things. Rocky gets bored and he wants some challenges, like losing every now and then. Pip says that he can arrange that. Rocky tells Pip that he would like to visit "the other place", and Pip tells him that he is already in "the other place".

 

[BH]

As to the Twilight Zone, it has an episode called "A Nice Place to Visit". Some would-be gangster named Rocky dies and he wakes up in the next world. A gentleman named Pip introduces himself as his guide, and he tells Rocky that he can get anything that Rocky might want. Rocky has a lot of fun, winning in gambling, getting the attentions of the ladies, and humiliating a cop. At least at first. He asks Pip what he has done to be worthy of this, and Pip shows him his file. Lots and lots of mischief and nasty things. Rocky gets bored and he wants some challenges, like losing every now and then. Pip says that he can arrange that. Rocky tells Pip that he would like to visit "the other place", and Pip tells him that he is already in "the other place".

I remember that episode.