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Ending Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys

phands

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This is a great piece....

As a woman and a mother, I’ve experienced the last few weeks on a handful of levels. I’ve been reminded of the dark experiences of my youth—even those of us who were never raped or assaulted still remember close calls or unpleasant encounters. Hearing Christine Blasey Ford’s story, I thought of my 4-year-old daughter and the ways I can prepare her to survive in this misogynistic world. But most pressingly, after witnessing Kavanaugh’s and Trump’s outbursts, I’ve considered my 7-year-old son. What can I do to shape him into a respectful man—one who doesn’t assault women, most importantly, but who also doesn’t make lewd jokes, grab butts, mock victims, or generally treat women as if they’re inferior?


Before the Kavanaugh saga, that was not a question most parents usually pondered. The language of sexual violence prevention largely revolves around what we can teach girls about staying safe. Some protocols to prevent sexual assault in schools and on college campuses have involved educating only women, too. Isn’t this kind of ridiculous? Aren’t the people best positioned to prevent sexual assaults the people who usually commit sexual assaults in the first place?


I think so—and many researchers who study sexual violence, and who understand the social and emotional dynamics that fuel it, think so too. Luckily, research suggests that there’s a lot that parents can do, even with young boys, to foster respect and empathy for women in ways that will reduce the risk they’ll be sexually violent later in life. And most of it doesn’t even require you to utter the word sex. “We are all teaching our children sexual respect, or lack thereof, in the smallest things,” says Emily Rothman, a community health scientist at the Boston University School of Public Health.


Here’s what I’ve learned about some of those things.


https://slate.com/human-interest/20...exual-assault-teaching-respect-for-women.html
 
With the small, pedantic caveat that getting as far as ending sexual violence, whether by raising better boys or by doing anything else, is asking a tad too much, yes I think it's a great article. But then, article titles often say things the writer of the article does not, in order to get more clicks.

I've only been a father to girls, but if I'd been a father to boys, I reckon I'd definitely have tried to bring them up in this way.




On a wider note, there is evidence to suggest something quite (indeed very) interesting about the difference between being the parent of boys and the parent of girls. I've long had a proto-theory, or let's just say a fledgling hypothesis, that the sex of one's children might affect one's leanings. I've wondered, for example, if those feminists more willing to see the male point of view and be less anti-male (or anti patriarchy), or more sympathetic to men's issues, are more likely (if they are parents) to be parents of boys, as a rule and generally speaking I mean, or even if there is just any sort of statistical correlation.

My notion might then introduce the more general idea of how self-interest or perceived self interest (via parental investment in this case) subtly colours our thinking, which is something I often muse on (because of another theory I have that humans are generally more motivated by self interest than is often admitted). Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with self-interest, but it could be said to introduce a form of underlying bias and one that may not be easily noticed by the bearer of it.

Now, one could say that it's not just that, that on a more positive note another possibility is that having daughters, particularly for a father, can open one's eyes to issues that might have hitherto been quite invisible. Which is good. And perhaps by the same token, raising sons, particularly for a mother, may offer the same benefits in reverse.

So here is some material I found online:

Having Daughters Rather Than Sons Makes You More Liberal
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/having-daughters-rather-than-sons-makes/

"The authors demonstrate that people who parent only daughters are more likely to hold feminist views (for example, to favor affirmative action)."

Daughters and Left-Wing Voting
https://warwick.ac.uk/fac/soc/economics/staff/ajoswald/daughtersrestat08.pdf

"The authors’ key finding is that support for policies designed to address gender equity is greater among parents with daughters. This result emerges particularly strongly for fathers. Because parents invest a significant amount of themselves in their children, the authors argue, the anticipated and actual struggles that offspring face, and the public policies that tackle those, matter to those parents."

And on a more anecdotal level:

This Is How Having A Son Changed Feminism For Me
https://www.scarymommy.com/having-son-changed-feminism-for-me/

"This all hit me one day while I was browsing the shelves at my neighborhood Target (my happy place). My son was 3 years old, and I was looking for his first batch of “big boy underwear.” I looked through the selection and realized that there wasn’t a single option available in his size. Puzzled, I stepped back a bit. And then a bit more. And then I realized something I never noticed before: The boys’ section of Target was about a third the size of the girls’ section. Every area of the boys’ department was ransacked, depleted, and understocked, while the girls’ section was full, every size properly represented. Rainbows abound and cartoon birds aflutter — it was a goddamn utopia. The boys’ section was small, brief, and they were always out of rain boots."

The writer ends up advocating the sort of things suggested in the OP but in her case she seems to have arrived at it via having a son and appreciating male issues more than she had done beforehand, when her feminism was more one-sided, more focused on women's issues.

Perhaps the author of the OP article has a subtly different emphasis. She advocates the same things regarding bringing up boys (and has a son) but says, "Hearing Christine Blasey Ford’s story, I thought of my 4-year-old daughter and the ways I can prepare her to survive in this misogynistic world". To describe 'the world' as 'misogynistic' is a strong claim by any reasonable standards and suggests less sympathy for men's issues generally perhaps, compared to the writer of the last article.
 
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Maybe it was the way I was raised and the way my wife and I raised our children but there is nothing in that article we were not not doing anyway.

I thought it was common knowledge. :confused:
 
Maybe it was the way I was raised and the way my wife and I raised our children but there is nothing in that article we were not not doing anyway.

I thought it was common knowledge. :confused:
You'd think that, because you're probably basically a good person.

I have seen many parents acting as really bad examples right in front of their children (usually boys, but sometimes girls). Examples include catcalling women, using racist slurs, bullying and intimidation.
 
Maybe it was the way I was raised and the way my wife and I raised our children but there is nothing in that article we were not not doing anyway.

I thought it was common knowledge. :confused:

Maybe it is. It's pretty much how we raised our kids, too.

But my kids and yours have to live in a world with kids who were not raised to think about their own feelings or those of other people.

Are things changing? Sure, most of the time I think they are.

But then there is Trump and Kavanaugh and it's hard to feel as though enough progress has been made. I know only a small fraction of what my daughter has had to deal with and it does not make me feel optimistic.
 
If you really want to cut down on this behaviour, you will need to study how it comes about. And that will be delving into their minds and seeing how it became so. It means speaking earnestly with incels, misogynists, and others you may feel otherwise inclined to deplatform. It means not equating them to men generally.

The message of be good and be respectful isn't enough, especially if it is diluted by not being tageted at those prone to engage in the bad behaviour. A deeper dive into the minds of those who go awry is needed.

What research is being done on serial rapists? Is rape all about sex, power, status? This stuff needs better unbiased study by science rather than gender studies bias.
 
What research is being done on serial rapists? Is rape all about sex, power, status? This stuff needs better unbiased study by science rather than gender studies bias.

As far as I am aware, and I stand to be corrected, there is a plethora of research out there on serial rapists and the like and it is mostly being done by the relevant scientists and not gender studies experts.
 
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