I encouraged a theist friend to stay in bible college; was I right to do so?

[Metaphor]

A more accurate title that didn't fit should be 'I told a theist friend dropping out of bible college to appease his mother was not a good reason to drop out.'

A theist friend approached me for advice recently. He's a Christian who is actually studying to be a pastor (or whatever the hellbound non-Catholics call their false priests). He is in his late 20s and his parents have recently gotten divorced, and the divorce was not amicable.

His mother regards him as a perpetual disappointment, but she recently asked him to accompany her to the U.S. for a holiday. He declined, mainly citing financial reasons (he works only part time while he's at bible college and does not receive any kind of stipend or living allowance).

His mother stopped calling him and also stopped taking calls from him. He finally got a text message from her saying 'don't try to contact me again'.

My friend asked his sister about the situation, and the most likely explanation for his mother's behaviour seems to be that not having enough money to go to the U.S. with her was the straw that broke the camel's back, and that if he'd been working full time and not going to bible college, he'd have been able to come with her (notwithstanding that he didn't want to go for other reasons anyway).

My friend was actually seriously considering dropping out of bible college and working full time to mend his relationship and he asked what I thought about that.

I said dropping out of bible college just so his mother would rescind her disownership of him was a bad reason to do it; he doesn't know for sure that it'll be enough to get back in her good graces and six months down the track who's to say she won't find some other fault to disown him over? He was an adult who had both the freedom and responsibility for his choices.

But although everything I said sounded reasonable to me, inside I wondered: isn't any reason to drop out of bible college a good reason, since bible college is literally studying fantasy and treating it as real?

 

[Keith&Co.]

His mother stopped calling him and also stopped taking calls from him. He finally got a text message from her saying 'don't try to contact me again'.

Sounds like he 'won' that game of family...

But although everything I said sounded reasonable to me, inside I wondered: isn't any reason to drop out of bible college a good reason, since bible college is literally studying fantasy and treating it as real?

If he was having a crisis of faith and you suggested maybe a year off to explore his feelings or faith or whether or not he wants to just stew in his own sins like the rest of us Heathens, maybe.

If he has faith, he has a plan, he's comfortable with his relationship with the great skybeast, then I would agree with your actions to date. If nothing else, his walking away from this for the wrong reasons will come back to haunt him at night. And like you said, what if he doesn't make up with his mother? Or what if he DOES make up with his mother, then gets disowned because he offers to say grace at a meal?

Still, in the end he is an adult, as you say, and it has to be his choice. Not his mom's. She got to decide when he wore the big-boy pants, he gets to decide if he wears the big-boy collar.

 

[abaddon]

He needs to be his own independent individual and explore whatever it is that he values, regardless of whether he "fits" in with mom's image of what he should be or do, or with yours. I think you did well to say that doing it for mom is a bad reason. But apparently manipulation tempted you too, for your own personal reasons (however much you’d like to rationalize them as impersonal reasons).

Being authentically one’s own self isn’t much an issue of adopting 'the right beliefs', whether from priests or atheists.

 

[zorq]

One of my life goals is to leave the world a little bit better than I found it and part of that is to avoid hurting other people whenever possible. This philosophy informs the advice I offer here.

The world is filled with people who are wrong, but that's okay. The real tragedy is when people are suffering and unhappy. To me, employing oneself as a pastor is just as legitimate as employing oneself as a used car salesman. A good used car salesman helps his customers as much as possible without introducing undue harm into their lives. The same is true for religious leaders. And that's fine by me.

It's pretty clear that this friend's mother is emotionally blackmailing her son to conform to her wishes. It's obvious that she is deliberately hurting her son for manipulative reasons. She in the wrong, but the price of her blackmail is extremely high. It can be extremely painful to lose a family bond like that especially over something so ostensibly arbitrary. We all suspect, however, that if the woman is willing to hurt her son so much to leverage control over him then it will certainly not stop at this single instance.

I think that by all means, the son should refuse the blackmail unless he already had legitimate reasons to change his career direction, and refuse to go on this trip to America. Of course I would also council him to continue to offering sentiments of caring and love to the mother from afar, provided his feelings are genuine and he thinks there is a chance to rekindle the relationship with his mother in a way that is not exploitative.

If the mother makes it clear that there can be no relationship involving mutual respect between both parties, then it may be more healthy for the son to drop all contact with the mother. She is at the very least a broken person right now, and she may very well be incurably toxic.

 

[Kharakov]

Sounds like he 'won' that game of family...

I find myself wondering what that means...

 

[Underseer]

A more accurate title that didn't fit should be 'I told a theist friend dropping out of bible college to appease his mother was not a good reason to drop out.'

A theist friend approached me for advice recently. He's a Christian who is actually studying to be a pastor (or whatever the hellbound non-Catholics call their false priests). He is in his late 20s and his parents have recently gotten divorced, and the divorce was not amicable.

His mother regards him as a perpetual disappointment, but she recently asked him to accompany her to the U.S. for a holiday. He declined, mainly citing financial reasons (he works only part time while he's at bible college and does not receive any kind of stipend or living allowance).

His mother stopped calling him and also stopped taking calls from him. He finally got a text message from her saying 'don't try to contact me again'.

My friend asked his sister about the situation, and the most likely explanation for his mother's behaviour seems to be that not having enough money to go to the U.S. with her was the straw that broke the camel's back, and that if he'd been working full time and not going to bible college, he'd have been able to come with her (notwithstanding that he didn't want to go for other reasons anyway).

My friend was actually seriously considering dropping out of bible college and working full time to mend his relationship and he asked what I thought about that.

I said dropping out of bible college just so his mother would rescind her disownership of him was a bad reason to do it; he doesn't know for sure that it'll be enough to get back in her good graces and six months down the track who's to say she won't find some other fault to disown him over? He was an adult who had both the freedom and responsibility for his choices.

But although everything I said sounded reasonable to me, inside I wondered: isn't any reason to drop out of bible college a good reason, since bible college is literally studying fantasy and treating it as real?

Wait.

Let me get this straight.

His mother broke off all contact with him for not dropping out of college and going on a trip with her?

Fuck momma. Fuck her with a sandpaper-covered rusty tire iron. She doesn't deserve her son's time and affection.

 

[fromderinside]

Wait.

Let me get this straight.

His mother broke off all contact with him for not dropping out of college and going on a trip with her?

Fuck momma. Fuck her with a sandpaper-covered rusty tire iron. She doesn't deserve her son's time and affection.

She's so stupid she wanted to take him to Panama City. PCB Bans Alcohol On Beach During Spring Break 2016 And You Only Have Yourselves To Blame

http://totalfratmove.com/pcb-bans-a...k-2016-and-you-only-have-yourselves-to-blame/

Saves another thread

 

[Tom Sawyer]

His mother sounds toxic and he's better off without her. If bible college makes him happy, he should continue with it.

 

[Achwienichtig]

I have to agree with Zorq. Viewing this situation in a utilitarian light, a false belief is less dangerous than a manipulating mother.

 

[ronburgundy]

I have to agree with Zorq. Viewing this situation in a utilitarian light, a false belief is less dangerous than a manipulating mother.

If he was Jewish, he could have both

 

[jab]

A more accurate title that didn't fit should be 'I told a theist friend dropping out of bible college to appease his mother was not a good reason to drop out.'

A theist friend approached me for advice recently. He's a Christian who is actually studying to be a pastor (or whatever the hellbound non-Catholics call their false priests). He is in his late 20s and his parents have recently gotten divorced, and the divorce was not amicable.

His mother regards him as a perpetual disappointment, but she recently asked him to accompany her to the U.S. for a holiday. He declined, mainly citing financial reasons (he works only part time while he's at bible college and does not receive any kind of stipend or living allowance).

His mother stopped calling him and also stopped taking calls from him. He finally got a text message from her saying 'don't try to contact me again'.

My friend asked his sister about the situation, and the most likely explanation for his mother's behaviour seems to be that not having enough money to go to the U.S. with her was the straw that broke the camel's back, and that if he'd been working full time and not going to bible college, he'd have been able to come with her (notwithstanding that he didn't want to go for other reasons anyway).

My friend was actually seriously considering dropping out of bible college and working full time to mend his relationship and he asked what I thought about that.

I said dropping out of bible college just so his mother would rescind her disownership of him was a bad reason to do it; he doesn't know for sure that it'll be enough to get back in her good graces and six months down the track who's to say she won't find some other fault to disown him over? He was an adult who had both the freedom and responsibility for his choices.

But although everything I said sounded reasonable to me, inside I wondered: isn't any reason to drop out of bible college a good reason, since bible college is literally studying fantasy and treating it as real?

There's another way of reading this story: Mom is doing everything she can to prevent her son from wasting his life and wasting his mind on the path he is following. Perhaps,when the reward of a foreign trip didn't work, she's now practicing a form of tough love. I would have told him that if he was having second thoughts for any reason, he should drop, and re-enroll later if he finds that is his calling.
In the real world, unless he hates his mother for repeated abuse, his relation with her is more important than his relationship with a illusory Heavenly Pops.
One piece of info missing from the story is what is the Mom's religious position? what is the Dad's?

 

[Elixir]

Mixed feelings about cutting ties with Mom...

At 17 years of age I was at odds with my single-parent Mom (Dad having died when I was 10). I dropped out of high school and Mom said "then you can't live here". Fair enough, I thought. She gave me $100, wished me good luck, and out the door I went. I didn't see her or speak to her again for 5 years, and only sporadically after that until her death some 24 years after I had left home.

Looking back on it, I am proud of having stood up for myself at that young age, but also have regrets. I should not have thought of leaving home as burning bridges, but I did. I could have enjoyed the benefits of an ongoing mother-son relationship without sacrificing my ideals, but I didn't know that at the time. I was lucky - very lucky - to have made my way in the world as well as I did. But I could have come much more easily to some of the wisdom for which I paid the high price of experience, if only I had been willing to at least listen to, if not entertain, the things my mother had been trying to tell me at our lowest point.

Metaphor - while I am inclined toward the "well then, the hell with her" school of thought, I'd hope you might advise your friend that there is probably more value to the parental relationship - messed up though it may be - than it seems at the moment. He should go his own way, but keep an open mind if possible...