Satan went into psychotherapy in early 2017.
MD: Good afternoon. My receptionist said you'll be paying with a card?
SATAN: Right.
MD: She said you presented an AmEx card issued by Kresge's. Is Kresge's still in business?
SATAN: It's a good card.
MD: Are they in business?
SATAN: I said it's a good card.
MD: Okay. What specifically brings you here?
SATAN: Everything. A lot of things, actually. I don't...I don't take the same pleasure in my work.
MD: By work, you mean, stuff like, damnation, setting curses, mischief, causing dissension, and the like?
SATAN: Right.
MD: Okay. Can you pinpoint a time or event where you first experienced this dropoff in energy?
SATAN: January.
MD: January. Okay. What was going on in January?
SATAN (long pause): That man. Him. That's what he is, a man, isn't he?
MD: You have a competitor?
SATAN: You could say that. Yes, you could say that exactly. It used to be ME. ME, Satan, Old Scratch, Beelzebub. I was the one they shivered over. I could get the little kiddies and the old ladies to scream in their nightmares. Me!! Now, not so much. HE is the one they talk about.
MD: How does that make you feel?
SATAN: How the fuck do you think it makes me feel? Listen, man, I invented lying! I invented hatred! Worship of money? Grabbing pussy? Tearing babies out of their mama's arms? I invented all that! Am I getting the credit for that, now? Am I?
MD: But you still have your powers.
SATAN: Meaningless. Meaningless. I can make you sick, I can kill your kittens, but I want to get into your mind, I want you to obey me. This man took that away from me.
MD: You may have Trump envy. If you do, you're in good company -- for you. Kim Jong Un's got it. Assad's got it. The Saudis are starting to get it. It's going to be very big in therapy, real soon.
SATAN: Isn't that swell. I'm part of a wave. Well, it's killin' me, man. I get up every day and I just don't care about evil. Me!! Evil!! That used to be my whole day.
MD: Have you considered hiring some PR? Getting yourself indicted? That kind of thing can get you noticed in a hurry.
SATAN: Anything I think of, this man does it first. He could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue, start a revolution, and blow the Pope, and he'd only be bigger.
(Intercom buzzes. MD picks up phone.)
MD (short pause.) Thanks. (Hangs up.) My receptionist says your card didn't go through.
(Scene of indescribable apocolyptic mayhem ensues. Office building collapses. Preempted on local news by Trump appearance.)