He will tell the country that he recently fell in his renovated bathroom, struck his head on the edge of his golden toilet, and came to, lying on the floor, staring at his toupee. He suddenly had a revelation that he had been a total shit since 1946, and that his life made no sense. Who were these evil children he had spawned? Who was this grasping Slovenian mannequin, to whom he was married? Who were these soulless parasites who surrounded him in the White House? How had he missed out on the True Jesus, the True Creator God, and the True Meaning of Christmas? He spent that night on his smart phone, not posting incredible nastiness on Truth Social, but viewing YouTube videos of his own unforgivable behavior.
He stumbled on a website he had never heard of, something starting with ii...you have to forgive him, he has dementia and can't remember the rest...but he saw how almost all the messages on that site were from filthy atheists, but they made cogent arguments about what a terrible President he was...all except for a few, a very few supporters on that site, who made idiotic excuses for him.
He vowed then and there to resign the Presidency effective Christmas Day, as a present to the universe, and to devote the rest of his days ("however much time is still left to a miserable old sinner like me") to making amends. Also to spending down his fortune so as to leave each of his kids about $99 ("because only then will they see that money is worthless, it's just shit.") He will announce a $1 million gift to the Joe and Jill Biden Foundation, a complete $83.3 million payment to E. Jean Carroll, a reinstatement of those fired by DOGE, a resumption of USAID, deportation orders for Stephen Miller and RFK Jr., and a $100 McDonalds gift certificate to all registered voters ("because their fries are so fucking good, I mean, I didn't lose my mind about that.") He will give back his FIFA prize, divorce Malaria, and move to Canada. "I will read my first Shakespeare play, can you imagine that? Good night, and God bless America."