We do care, that much is certain. When we hear of someone’s death, we can be full of compassion at their loss and also have a real urge to know why.
Why is that, I wonder?
I mean, from a genuine psychological or evolutionary perspective.
Is it to make some changes to our lives to avoid same? Is it to try to judge them for fault? Is it to better align ourselves to provide compassion and comfort to their survivors?
Wondering about this today.
I think all of this.
Sometimes, that information does help people know how to provide support and comfort to the bereaved. And let's you know what to avoid saying, to avoid triggering bad memories. A friend recently died of a brain tumor. My sister just survived removal of a different kind of brain tumor. Not something to mention at my friend's wake although it might have been a natural thing to mention as I caught up with some people I have not seen for a long time. I'm sure that's a poor example but I'm a bit sleep deprived.
Sometimes, knowing inspires people to make donations to specific causes that support research into curing/preventing/supporting patients with the same or similar disorder.
My father died of COPD a bit quicker than he might have done (but still years past the life expectancy he was given when he finally was forced to admit the COPD) if he had not also developed leukemia. My father's widow insisted on saying that he died of leukemia and no mention of COPD in his obit. She grew up on a tobacco farm....
Sometimes people don't want a specific cause of death mentioned--suicide seems to be the most common cause that people do not want mentioned. AIDS, even cancer sometimes. I suppose it is 'shame' or 'sin' attached. Older people than me sometimes thought on some level that people who died difficult, unpleasant deaths must have done something to deserve it. I don't think my father deserved COPD or leukemia, although COPD was reasonably predictable given his smoking habits and the fact that he didn't give up smoking until after he accepted the diagnosis. But no, he didn't deserve to die that way. People who die of AIDS do not deserve it, no matter what decisions they made about their sex lives or drug use or whatever was the cause of the infection.
This past summer a good friend passed away from a debilitating progressive neurodegenerative disorder. While most people knew, eventually, that my friend had some kind of neurodegenerative disorder, very few people were aware of what kind of disorder it was until they read his obit. I have never asked his family why this information was kept so quiet except the need and desire for privacy. Good friends provide support even if they do not know all the sordid details. No one else matters.
