"You're a woman."

[Keith&Co.]

This is how the guy in front of me at Target opens his conversation with the checkout clerk. She cringes. His daughter folds in on herself. I have the Lost In Space Robot in my head, waving mechanical arms and shouting 'Danger! Danger!'

The guy has just bought his daughter's first bra. He is not happy with the price he's paying for the one she picked out.
He read somewhere that women these days are wearing bras less often.
He wonders if his daughter is the right age for a bra. And isn't sure if bras are chosen by age or size or what.
And mentions never having had a training jock strap.

If i had an axe in the cart, i think i'd have shut him up just because his daughter was about to blush herself out of the visible spectrum. She was a pleasant shade of OMGthat'sPURPLE.

He finally pays and moves on.

I try to lighten the mood, once he's out of hearing. I turn to the clerk. "You're a daughter. Would you knife him in his sleep, or would you want him to see Death comin' to get him?"

It did not lighten the mood.

She looked at me with her eyes fiery and her voice dead. "Brake lines," she said. And then she rang me up in silence until she told me the total.

 

[Under the Rose]

Very nice of you to try to lighten the mood, and to share with us that you were disgusted by the conduct of one of your own gender. The clerk would both be furious and also uncertain of where your true sympathies lay, I am guessing, not quite sure of how to take your question.

It might have gone over a bit better without the mention of gender as a lead in, just "Would you knife him in his sleep, or would you want him to see Death comin' to get him?"

Still, she did grace you with an answer. She could have simply given you the professionally blank look and asked, "Will that be everything?"

 

[Bronzeage]

This is how the guy in front of me at Target opens his conversation with the checkout clerk. She cringes. His daughter folds in on herself. I have the Lost In Space Robot in my head, waving mechanical arms and shouting 'Danger! Danger!'

The guy has just bought his daughter's first bra. He is not happy with the price he's paying for the one she picked out.
He read somewhere that women these days are wearing bras less often.
He wonders if his daughter is the right age for a bra. And isn't sure if bras are chosen by age or size or what.
And mentions never having had a training jock strap.

If i had an axe in the cart, i think i'd have shut him up just because his daughter was about to blush herself out of the visible spectrum. She was a pleasant shade of OMGthat'sPURPLE.

He finally pays and moves on.

I try to lighten the mood, once he's out of hearing. I turn to the clerk. "You're a daughter. Would you knife him in his sleep, or would you want him to see Death comin' to get him?"

It did not lighten the mood.

She looked at me with her eyes fiery and her voice dead. "Brake lines," she said. And then she rang me up in silence until she told me the total.

Cut brake lines are unreliable. You never know what he might hit or miss. Line the trunk of the car with plastic sheeting. Put a small box in the trunk and tell him there's a package for him. When he bend over to get it, a sharp low on the back of the head and he tumbles into the trunk. You can dump the body anywhere.

This is truly a horrible story and a terrible thing to do to a young girl. The worst part of it all is, this man is what she considers to be normal and in the coming years, he's the one all the others will be compared to. If anyone ever wondered why a particular woman always seems to find the worst loser men on the planet, this little scene gives a clue.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Yeah if i wasn't afraid of poking it with a stick at that point, i'd have pointed out he could survive the crash or maybe he'd kill someone else.

I just hope the daughter tells the story when she's among friends, not to a therapist.... But if they ever play 'my dad was so....' then she won't have to buy her own drinks. Ever.

- - - Updated - - -

It might have gone over a bit better without the mention of gender as a lead in,

Well, i changed it from 'you're a woman' to try to ask 'if you were in her place...'
And then it's a hypothetical, not the opening line of a conspiracy to commit justice.

 

[Bronzeage]

I like this.

 

[TV and credit cards]

What an ass. (the OP)

My daughter has been one of my greatest teachers. What I used to dismiss as emotional, I came to understand as humanistic.

 

[Davka]

It cheers me to know that in another 15-20 years I will be a harmless old fart, able to chuckle knowingly in situations like this, smile disarmingly at the father while saying 'sir, don't be an insensitive dickwad,' wink at his daughter conspiratorially, and get away with it.

 

[Keith&Co.]

It cheers me to know that in another 15-20 years I will be a harmless old fart, able to chuckle knowingly in situations like this, smile disarmingly at the father while saying 'sir, don't be an insensitive dickwad,' wink at his daughter conspiratorially, and get away with it.

When I am old, i shall wear purple... And talk about when i wore purple lingerie.
I will discuss feminine hygiene in mixed company, and tell people what i think of them.
I will not listen to their foibles and i will tell them their mistakes.
And i will consider myself to be in a conspiracy, with the youngest person in the room, together against everyone else.

 

[Davka]

It cheers me to know that in another 15-20 years I will be a harmless old fart, able to chuckle knowingly in situations like this, smile disarmingly at the father while saying 'sir, don't be an insensitive dickwad,' wink at his daughter conspiratorially, and get away with it.

When I am old, i shall wear purple... And talk about when i wore purple lingerie.
I will discuss feminine hygiene in mixed company, and tell people what i think of them.
I will not listen to their foibles and i will tell them their mistakes.
And i will consider myself to be in a conspiracy, with the youngest person in the room, together against everyone else.

I liked this enough to steal it, tweak it, and FBize it:

 

[Keith&Co.]

Beautiful.