You're king of the world. Your global imperial edicts for mundane things goes here!

[LordKiran]

Edict number one: Have Cerebral Palsy renamed "The Wiggles" and have "The Wiggles" Renamed to "The Cerebral Palsy Experience"

Edict number two: hence forth, all computer chairs will now be sold with an add-on chair next to the armrest for small-to-mid-sized household pets

Edict number three: Jerk-ass dads who name their daughters after their favorite car are put to death by vehicular homicide with said car.

Educt number four: Hot dogs and hot dog buns must be sold in the same quantities.

Edict number five: Elevators must now have a button on the outside that can be pressed just as the doors close to open back up for a three second period.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Edict number six: Political campaigning cannot begin more than two months before the election.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Edict number seven: It is justifiable homicide for anyone in the elevator to shoot anyone who takes advantage of edict number five.

 

[fast]

Edict number 8: basketball hoop height must be doubled

 

[iolo]

Final Edict: No-one is allowed to vote who doesn't totally ignore my half-witted bossiness. There are no more kings of the world.

 

[Elixir]

Edict 1: Repeal Lord Kiran's Edict#5 - three seconds can feel like eternity.
Edict 2: Toilet paper must be mounted such that the sheets appear UNDER, not over the roll.
Edict 3: No more edicts from anyone, ever.

 

[fast]

Edict 2: Toilet paper must be mounted such that the sheets appear UNDER, not over the roll.

That's f'n bullshit man. You have no class. I vote we make you leader of a small continent or something, as you're clearly not ready for global leadership/leadershit

 

[Atheos]

I'm pretty much behind Adam Carolla (in his "The Man Show" personifications of "If I Were King.")

• "Getting to First Base" will hereafter include a blow-job.
• That game known in other countries besides the US as "football" will hereafter be known as "fagball."
• I will eliminate all male nurses. The only thing a man should ever nurse is a bottle of scotch.

Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes and parody only. I am not a misogynistic asshole, I promise. I'm actually a very considerate and gentlemanly asshole.

 

[Opoponax]

Edict 1: If more than 3 people who know each other walk next to each other at an amusement park, state fair, concert, etc. they will all be struck by vaporizing lightning.

Edict 2: All involved in the next manifestation of Fast and Furious shall be visited with a plague of herpes

Edict 3: If the American-Christian god did indeed cause Trump to be elected, that god shall be crucified... wait, no... his offspring shall... no, that doesn't work either. Okay, every shall say "fuck that god."

 

[ideologyhunter]

Unnumbered edicts (as the repeal and replace process above has confused the count):
The buttocks shall hereafter be referred to as the left and right palins.
The only acceptable phonetic spelling for a fart in a comic strip shall be 'Trump!' or the elongated 'Truuummmppppp' for a fart of exceptional magnitude.
No more movies shall be released with an ending scene involving one jilted lover racing to the airport to rejoin a lover about to board a plane.
The Bible is to be sold in the fiction section, or, in sufficiently large stores, the fantasy aisle.
When the President speaks, a flashing icon of "LIE" shall appear in the upper right corner of the screen, followed in 15 seconds by a loud, bass-toned blare which shall continue until a full 30 seconds have elapsed since the President's image has left the screen.
Domestic terrorists shall be subjected to hour-long tape loops of Ann Coulter, only played at a slower distorted speed so that every word in that prep-school oh-so-utterly accent is heard at 3x normal length (water boarding may be substituted for the tape loops, but only at the terrorist's request.)

 

[ZiprHead]

People who walk around with their pants down below their ass shall be forthwith punished with ideologyhunter's last punishment listed.

 

[snoiduspoitus]

Snoidispoitus is the all-knowing, all-seeing master of time, space and dimension.

The sooner you come to realize this the better off you will be.

 

[jonatha]

Snoidispoitus is the all-knowing, all-seeing master of time, space and dimension.

The sooner you come to realize this the better off you will be.

Sure.

If he's so smart, why does he go around tasting stinging nettles?

 

[snoiduspoitus]

I wasn't tasting them - I was picking them and there is a huge, huge difference. This is just one of the steps one must take before becoming the all-knowing, all-seeing master of time, space and dimension.

Edict #27: Everyone must learn to play the piano wearing oven mitts.

 

[jonatha]

Edict #27: Everyone must learn to play the piano wearing oven mitts.

Why is the piano wearing oven mitts, and where it it wearing them?

 

[snoiduspoitus]

It was burned in a tryst with the organ which is exactly where the piano is wearing it.

 

[Underseer]

Classes in logic are now mandatory worldwide.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Edict #1: All commercial mail must clearly identify if it contains a bill, a statement, a document, a product or a solicitation. All relevant items must be indicated and none that are not there may be indicated.

Edict #2: The sale of torn clothing, other than for recycling purposes, is forbidden.

 

[Elixir]

It was burned in a tryst with the organ which is exactly where the piano is wearing it.

A tryst without an organ isn't a tryst at all.