Today is St. George's Day, so please bear with me and read this short exposition. It is a shameless paraphrased plagiarism. I'll give bonus points to anyone who recognizes this tale and can name the source.
There once was a terrible dragon, known as Kandran. He was a typical dragon, in that he only ate virgins and he preferred fat virgins. It was Kandran’s habit to sleep for a year, then emerge from his dragon’s cave and ransack the countryside, until he was sated on virgin flesh. He then returned to his cave to sleep for another year, leaving behind burned barns, scorched fields, the bodies of all who opposed him, and of course, the bones of a score of virgins.
There was also once a brave young Knight known as George. He was a typical knight, in that he was sworn to protect the helpless and defend the weak. George specialized in dragon slaying and had an impressive record. One night, while drinking at the Knight’s hall, someone brought up dragon slaying and naturally, George was mentioned. There was a lot of jealousy among the knights, over who was truly the greatest dragon slayer. Dragons were classed according to length, weight, and most important of all, how many knights had died in their jaws.
“Yeah, George has killed a lot of dragons, but he’s never faced a Kandran class dragon, now has he?” was the general feeling in the hall. George knew this was true. He had never come across a Kandran class. The Kandrans were big, fast and breathed fire. The biggest, fastest and most incendiary of them all was the one who gave the name, Kandran himself. George wondered if he had been avoiding the Kandrans. Self doubt is toxic to a dragon slayer, so George resolve to not only seek out and slay a Kandran, he would seek out and slay the Kandran.
George packed his gear and headed for Kandran country. He arrived on Kandran’s traditional day of rampage and found the town surprisingly calm. In the preceding years, the town’s people had come to an understanding with the dragon. Instead of a rooting the virgins out of barn lofts, cellars, and wheat fields, destroying everything in his path, the people would simply round up twenty virgins and have them ready for him. Kandran would feast peacefully, then return to sleep for another year.
George was outraged by the idea and made a vow before God to save the virgins. He made a secondary vow to save as many as possible. His ultimate fallback vow was to just make a good show and not embarrass the Knight’s Guild. He rode up to Kandran’s cave to survey a strange sight. Twenty naked young women were tied to a row of twenty posts. All around them was scattered pieces of rusty armor, dotted with a few crushed skulls, the remnants of Kandran’s previous challengers. The virgins did not have high hopes. A few of them had lost sisters to Kandran and knew that just the appearance of a knight did not signify a rescue.
At noon, Kandran emerged from his cave. He was not surprised to see a knight waiting for him, but he was surprised to see this knight. George had gained quite a reputation in the dragon community. Kandran knew this was not and inexperienced novice. He was also lean and hungry. Fighting on an empty stomach was difficult. It slowed him down and fire breathing was a real effort. Kandran did the natural thing, which was offer to discuss terms of the battle. This was common in those days.
George was agreeable. There was nothing in the Knight’s Code which says one couldn’t seek an advantage through negotiating the rules. The only non-negotiable rule was Kandran’s demand for virgin flesh. He would not touch a non-virgin. After a good bit of bargaining, they came to the framework of a deal. George gave up on the idea of saving all the virgins and went for saving as many as possible. Kandran would begin eating virgins at one end of the line, while George would begin deflowering virgins at the other end. A few details were worked out. Kandran dictated George could not just poke and run. He had to achieve an orgasm, inside the former virgin, before moving to the next. George insisted Kandran had to eat the entire virgin, except for the bones before killing the next. Kandran balked at this, insisting the entrails made him sick. He would clean the bones of all flesh and fat, but would eat no organs. George relented, if he would be allowed to rearrange the order of the virgins. “Suit yourself,” said Kandran. Either party could attack the other, at any time.
Kandran pulled his claws on a rock and George unfastened his codpiece and both went to work. George arranged the virgins in the order which he thought gave him a real advantage. The fattest virgin was first at Kandran’s end. The skinniest virgin was at his end. The virgins placed in the fourth through seventh position were the ones George found most attractive. He thought the extra incentive might be needed by that point. Kandran didn’t care. He needed to stuff his belly with virgin fat to fuel his fire chamber and thought George was a fool for giving the fattest up for lost. Kandran was not really in a hurry. He expected to make short work of George and the remaining intact virgins would be plenty.
It didn’t work out that way, as we all know. George was up to virgin four when he realized he couldn’t keep going all day long. If he worked until he and Kandran met in the middle, he would be exhausted. It was true, Kandran might be overstuffed and slow, but that wasn’t a given. He had to stop at some point and fight, but when? Kandran was down to the thighs of his third virgin and George had just finished virgin number five. Even though number six was his ideal beauty, he had to make his move before Kandran moved to his fourth.
The actual battle was anti-climatic in every sense of the word. Kandran was distracted by the virgin’s calves. George grabbed his sword and sliced through Kandran’s spine with one stroke. The dragon never heard him coming.
George went on to be acclaimed the greatest dragon slayer of all time and later, Sainthood.
What about George? Does he really deserve a hero's welcome home? He made a conscious sacrifice of three virgins and could have lost one or two more, before the fight even started. There maybe no point in exploring the loss of bride value to the former virgins. Did he follow the shrewdest strategy, or was there another way?
There once was a terrible dragon, known as Kandran. He was a typical dragon, in that he only ate virgins and he preferred fat virgins. It was Kandran’s habit to sleep for a year, then emerge from his dragon’s cave and ransack the countryside, until he was sated on virgin flesh. He then returned to his cave to sleep for another year, leaving behind burned barns, scorched fields, the bodies of all who opposed him, and of course, the bones of a score of virgins.
There was also once a brave young Knight known as George. He was a typical knight, in that he was sworn to protect the helpless and defend the weak. George specialized in dragon slaying and had an impressive record. One night, while drinking at the Knight’s hall, someone brought up dragon slaying and naturally, George was mentioned. There was a lot of jealousy among the knights, over who was truly the greatest dragon slayer. Dragons were classed according to length, weight, and most important of all, how many knights had died in their jaws.
“Yeah, George has killed a lot of dragons, but he’s never faced a Kandran class dragon, now has he?” was the general feeling in the hall. George knew this was true. He had never come across a Kandran class. The Kandrans were big, fast and breathed fire. The biggest, fastest and most incendiary of them all was the one who gave the name, Kandran himself. George wondered if he had been avoiding the Kandrans. Self doubt is toxic to a dragon slayer, so George resolve to not only seek out and slay a Kandran, he would seek out and slay the Kandran.
George packed his gear and headed for Kandran country. He arrived on Kandran’s traditional day of rampage and found the town surprisingly calm. In the preceding years, the town’s people had come to an understanding with the dragon. Instead of a rooting the virgins out of barn lofts, cellars, and wheat fields, destroying everything in his path, the people would simply round up twenty virgins and have them ready for him. Kandran would feast peacefully, then return to sleep for another year.
George was outraged by the idea and made a vow before God to save the virgins. He made a secondary vow to save as many as possible. His ultimate fallback vow was to just make a good show and not embarrass the Knight’s Guild. He rode up to Kandran’s cave to survey a strange sight. Twenty naked young women were tied to a row of twenty posts. All around them was scattered pieces of rusty armor, dotted with a few crushed skulls, the remnants of Kandran’s previous challengers. The virgins did not have high hopes. A few of them had lost sisters to Kandran and knew that just the appearance of a knight did not signify a rescue.
At noon, Kandran emerged from his cave. He was not surprised to see a knight waiting for him, but he was surprised to see this knight. George had gained quite a reputation in the dragon community. Kandran knew this was not and inexperienced novice. He was also lean and hungry. Fighting on an empty stomach was difficult. It slowed him down and fire breathing was a real effort. Kandran did the natural thing, which was offer to discuss terms of the battle. This was common in those days.
George was agreeable. There was nothing in the Knight’s Code which says one couldn’t seek an advantage through negotiating the rules. The only non-negotiable rule was Kandran’s demand for virgin flesh. He would not touch a non-virgin. After a good bit of bargaining, they came to the framework of a deal. George gave up on the idea of saving all the virgins and went for saving as many as possible. Kandran would begin eating virgins at one end of the line, while George would begin deflowering virgins at the other end. A few details were worked out. Kandran dictated George could not just poke and run. He had to achieve an orgasm, inside the former virgin, before moving to the next. George insisted Kandran had to eat the entire virgin, except for the bones before killing the next. Kandran balked at this, insisting the entrails made him sick. He would clean the bones of all flesh and fat, but would eat no organs. George relented, if he would be allowed to rearrange the order of the virgins. “Suit yourself,” said Kandran. Either party could attack the other, at any time.
Kandran pulled his claws on a rock and George unfastened his codpiece and both went to work. George arranged the virgins in the order which he thought gave him a real advantage. The fattest virgin was first at Kandran’s end. The skinniest virgin was at his end. The virgins placed in the fourth through seventh position were the ones George found most attractive. He thought the extra incentive might be needed by that point. Kandran didn’t care. He needed to stuff his belly with virgin fat to fuel his fire chamber and thought George was a fool for giving the fattest up for lost. Kandran was not really in a hurry. He expected to make short work of George and the remaining intact virgins would be plenty.
It didn’t work out that way, as we all know. George was up to virgin four when he realized he couldn’t keep going all day long. If he worked until he and Kandran met in the middle, he would be exhausted. It was true, Kandran might be overstuffed and slow, but that wasn’t a given. He had to stop at some point and fight, but when? Kandran was down to the thighs of his third virgin and George had just finished virgin number five. Even though number six was his ideal beauty, he had to make his move before Kandran moved to his fourth.
The actual battle was anti-climatic in every sense of the word. Kandran was distracted by the virgin’s calves. George grabbed his sword and sliced through Kandran’s spine with one stroke. The dragon never heard him coming.
George went on to be acclaimed the greatest dragon slayer of all time and later, Sainthood.
What about George? Does he really deserve a hero's welcome home? He made a conscious sacrifice of three virgins and could have lost one or two more, before the fight even started. There maybe no point in exploring the loss of bride value to the former virgins. Did he follow the shrewdest strategy, or was there another way?
