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A married couple is getting ready for bed. The wife throws off her bathrobe, then catches sight of her reflection in the mirror. She says, "Jesus, just look at me! I look like I'm a hundred years old, I'm fat as a cow, and I look stupid in the face. Honey, I really need a compliment right now."
The husband says, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."
 
A surgeon visits the patient on the morning of the surgery. He says, "I know this is a scary procedure for you, and I wanted to ease your mind ahead of time. This is my specialty. You should know, though, that the mortality rate is 75%."
The patient says, "Why the hell would you think that would ease my mind?"
The doctor says, "I didn't finish. My last three patients died."
 
It's Tom and Edna's 60th anniversary. He's out on the porch, and she brings out two large ice teas, sets them down, and sits in her matching rocker. He notices that she's not only staring at him, she's glaring. Suddenly she picks up her tea and throws it in his face. He sputters, "What in Sam Hill was that for?"
She says, "That was for 60 years of bad, boring, lame-ass sex!"
He glares at her for a long minute, then picks up his tea and throws it in her face. He says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
 
Why don't zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer the fingers separate.

What do you do if a zombie rolls his eyes at you?
Roll 'em back.

I know, Charlie Brown wah-wah.
 
An adoption agent is looking over a married couple's application. He says, "It says here that you own and run a circus. Tell me again how you'll raise a child in that environment."
The husband says, "If you check the file, we have photos of our mobile home. It's a 70-footer, and it has a brand new nursery room."
The agent says, "How will your child get an education on the road?"
The husband says, "Look in there and you'll see that we've hired a full-time tutor. The gal we found can teach all the basic subjects, plus French and computer skills."
The agent says, "Okay, but what happens when the tutor goes home and both of you are running the circus?"
The husband says, "We are hiring a full-time nanny, and this lady is also a licensed dietician."
The agent says, "I must say, you are very thorough. What age child are you looking for?"
The wife says, "That doesn't really matter, as long as she can fit in the cannon."
 
A man phones his home and a strange woman answers. He says, "I want to speak to my wife. Who is this?"
She says, "I'm Betty, the new maid."
The man says, "Okay, Betty, could you put my wife on the line?"
The maid says, "I would, but she's in bed with a man."
The man says, "This is the last time!! Betty, open the drawer of the table you're standing next to -- do you see a gun?"
She says, "I see it."
The man says, "Go shoot both of them. I'll wait."
She says, "Yes, sir," and a minute later he hears several gunshots.
She comes back on the phone and he says, "You shot them?"
She says, "Yes."
The man says, "Good girl!! Now, I want you to drag both of them out on the terrace and dump them in the pool."
She says, "The pool??"
The man says, "Is this 551-7020?"
 
A girl takes off her top during a physical exam, and the doctor notices a big blurry H on her chest. He asks her about it, and she blushes and says, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard. He's so proud of it, he won't take off his sweatshirt, even when we're intimate."
The next week, the doctor sees a patient with a big Y on her chest. She explains, "It's because my boyfriend is a Yalie, and he doesn't take off his hoodie, no matter what we're doing."
A few days later, the doctor has a patient who has a big M on her chest. He says, "I bet I know something about you. You have a boyfriend, and he's going to Michigan State."
The patient says, "Not even close. My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin. Why are you bringing this up?"
 
A white scout rides up and spots an Indian lying prone, with his ear to the ground. He hollers, "Friend! Friend!" Then he rides closer and says, "Are you getting any news?"
The Indian doesn't move but says, "Big wagon. Six horses, two white and four black. Big iron tires on wheels."
The scout says, "You can tell all that just by listening?"
The Indian says, "UGH!! Ran over my head half an hour ago."
 
ideologyhunter said:
A girl takes off her top during a physical exam, and the doctor notices a big blurry H on her chest. He asks her about it, and she blushes and says, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard. He's so proud of it, he won't take off his sweatshirt, even when we're intimate."
The next week, the doctor sees a patient with a big Y on her chest. She explains, "It's because my boyfriend is a Yalie, and he doesn't take off his hoodie, no matter what we're doing."
A few days later, the doctor has a patient who has a big M on her chest. He says, "I bet I know something about you. You have a boyfriend, and he's going to Michigan State."
The patient says, "Not even close. My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin. Why are you bringing this up?"
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In Minnesota, the tradition is tell jokes about Iowans and that joke reminds me of the following one.

Did you hear about the Iowan quality control manager who was fired from the M&M factory for throwing out too many Ws?
 
laughing dog said:
In Minnesota, the tradition is tell jokes about Iowans and that joke reminds me of the following one.
Click to expand...
Here in Indiana the tradition is for we Hoosiers to tell jokes about kentuckians. In the surrounding states, Ohio and Kentucky and Illinois and Michigan, they tell Hoosier jokes.
Tom
 
Well I'm from New York, and we make jokes about New Jersey people. Which is odd because New Jersey people are exactly like New York people, but we do it anyway.
 
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