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laughing dog

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Good, bad, funny or punny, all jokes are welcome. I'll start it out with an oldie but goody:

Why did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
 
From rehearsing a scene in ST:TOS "The Doomsday Machine". About that machine,

Commodore Decker: "Jim, it was huge! It had a maw--"
Captain Kirk: "A maw? Did you see its paw?"

Recursive Science Fiction A
Asimov, Isaac, "Dreamworld"

Edward Keller, age 13, is an enthusiastic reader of science fiction. He is being raised by his aunt Clara who keeps telling him to "face reality." One night, his usual stfnal dream turns to horror as a myriad of huge Claras pursues him, telling him to "face reality." If he cannot awake, he will be trapped in a world of giant aunts!

The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction 9:5 November 1955 (pg.127)
 
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A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says 'Make me one with everything'.

The pizza we had for pi day yesterday was loaded. I told the wife it was a Buddhist pizza. She didn't get it. I explained it. She didn't laugh.
 
How many angels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(Actually, I don't know. Maybe one, Lucifer the Angel of Light. This was my very first post on IIDB in 2004, even before I went to the Lounge. Seeing as this is a new forum, and I've never been afraid to reuse old jokes... I dreamt it up as a response to a fundy in-law who was testifying to me one day about a couple of angels who lifted a car off a little boy. She knew it was true, because someone had testified it to her. But now she's died of dementia.)
 
A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!
 
A woman is visiting her parents over the holidays. One night, after dinner, she's helping her mother put the dishes away. Her mom is real adamant about certain dishes going in certain cabinets, and others kept in a separate one. The woman is surprised, as her parents were never terribly orthodox when she grew up.

"Mom, when did you and dad start keeping Kosher?"

"Kosher, smosher, everything in THIS cabinet your father can put in the microwave, everything in THAT cabinet he can't!"
 
Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.
 
For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed two laws -
legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense as Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
 
Two.

But don't ask me how they got in there.

That reminded me of the joke

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, it's getting them into the bulb thats the hard part
 
Q: Who's the most popular dude at the nudist colony?

A: The one who can carry a dozen doughnuts and two cups of coffee.



Q: Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A: The one who can eat the last doughnut.
 
So We have To Keep It Clean Right?

How come so many Italian submarines sank in WW2?

Because someone forgot to close the screen door in the haul.

What do they call the youngest daughter from a red neck family who keeps running away from home?

A virgin.

If a Pollock a Mexican and a Scotsman jumped off the Empire State Building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

Why the Scotsman silly. The Mexican would stop to write his name on the wall and the Pollock would miss.

Peace people

Pegasus
 
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