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Free cars, and other stuff, September 25th!

S

SLD

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It’s finally arrived folks. That’s right, the rapture is coming and we can finally have the world to ourselves! September 25th is the latest and greatest prediction. That means there will be lots of free stuff to get just as soon as it gets here. Living in the Bible Belt does have its advantages.



Yes. The internet is abuzz that it’s coming soon, and it’s September 25th. That’s right after Rosh Hashanah, right?IMG_7617.jpeg
 
So we have three and a half weeks to claim dibs on Christian property? I'm for it, but there are so many caveats...
1- I've actually been in my born-again Christian cousins' homes, and trust me, there's a lot of stuff that's boring AF. The Left Behind books, you think I want to read them during the actual Tribulation? Susan Boyle CDs, I mean, what the fuck? Tasteful Colonial furniture and window treatments. Precious Moments collections in glass cases. I'm getting ill just making this list. Okay, they drive nice cars, but I like what I'm driving, and I think by mid-October there will be such a glut in the used car market with dead believers' cars, vans, church buses, that we'll all be jaded with the car idea.
2- I am excited by the sudden access to church buildings. Here's where we can get creative. I know a lot of us want the churches to become whorehouses and ale houses, but I'm older than most of you. I want at least some of 'em to become coffee houses. (Okay, for old times sake, let's turn Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg into a 70s style gay bathhouse, with an extra large dark room, just to make Jerry Falwell's corpse spin, fume, and smoke.) So that will be a plus.
3- Everybody realizes that Trump's staying put, right??? Plus his damned demon-spawn children and his trophy wife, PLUS Stephen Miller (you'll finally find out what that purse-lipped smile is really all about), plus his cabinet, plus Vance, and really the entire GOP apparatus. Does anyone anywhere expect Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, or McTurtle to get raptured?? I do not expect the GOP agenda to change in a Satan-dominated world, just the opposite. Trump will be able to say fuck in his State of the Unions, but it was coming to that anyway.
4- Can we FINALLY get atheist money, people? I want Robert Ingersoll on the ten dollar bill. I want the coins and bills to say In God We Once Trusted. I realize the Beast will want to be on at least one of the currency denominations, and that can be negotiated. I'm pretty sure it's a face we've all seen a million times before -- don't Jump to conclusions, but you'd be a Chump if you didn't Bump into the answer I'm thinking of. There was a Clump of hints there.
5- Do we know when on the 25th this all happens? Will the faithful visibly rise up into the clouds? If they leave their cars and houses behind, will they also be buck naked? (If that's the case, I want to be near a gym as opposed to a retirement home.)
6- The moderators won't allow it, but it would be cool to run a betting pool for the next 24 days on the question of which iidb members will vanish after 9/25. (I'm betting on a maximum of one. Draw you own conclusion.)
7- As always with these asshats, I'll believe it when I see it.
 
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ideologyhunter said:
Do we know when on the 25th this all happens?
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Well, there is no point in time when it is September 25th everywhere on Earth; The shape of the International Date Line means that there are locations which have already passed into the 26th before the 24th has ended everywhere.

Maybe this is the reason why predictions of the end of the world never come to pass - we need a prophet to say something like: "The world will end on September 25th, except in Tonga, Samoa (but not American Samoa), Kiribati, and the Kiribatian Line Islands (but not the American Line Islands of Jarvis Island, Kingman Reef and Palmyra Atoll), where it will end on the 26th"

Careful placement of commas and parentheses is necessary to avoid further delays to armageddon, so ideally the prophet in question should consult a lawyer on the exact form his final prophesy should take.
 
Free stuff and a rapture?

I thought that was Bernie Sanders.
 
bilby said:
ideologyhunter said:
Do we know when on the 25th this all happens?
Click to expand...
Well, there is no point in time when it is September 25th everywhere on Earth; The shape of the International Date Line means that there are locations which have already passed into the 26th before the 24th has ended everywhere.

Maybe this is the reason why predictions of the end of the world never come to pass - we need a prophet to say something like: "The world will end on September 25th, except in Tonga, Samoa (but not American Samoa), Kiribati, and the Kiribatian Line Islands (but not the American Line Islands of Jarvis Island, Kingman Reef and Palmyra Atoll), where it will end on the 26th"

Careful placement of commas and parentheses is necessary to avoid further delays to armageddon, so ideally the prophet in question should consult a lawyer on the exact form his final prophesy should take.
Click to expand...
Prophecy just needs to be nice and vague to be true, like from Life of Brian:

"And a man shall lose his friend's hammer; and the young shall not know where lieth those things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o' clock..."
 
Consult wikipedia for the article 'List of dates predicted for apocalyptic events'. The writer compiled an annotated list of 21 centuries worth of failed predictions for the end times. There's enough story provided for some of them to produce chuckles. The silliest ones, for me, have a note to the effect that the prophet (or idiot) "rescheduled" his original prediction, which means that some people were still listening to him after his first holy vision flopped. The descendants of those people still send $$$ to Jim Bakker, I'd guess.
 
ideologyhunter said:
Consult wikipedia for the article 'List of dates predicted for apocalyptic events'. The writer compiled an annotated list of 21 centuries worth of failed predictions for the end times.
Click to expand...
How can you be certain they all failed? “End times” could be a subjective experience.
 
Elixir said:
ideologyhunter said:
Consult wikipedia for the article 'List of dates predicted for apocalyptic events'. The writer compiled an annotated list of 21 centuries worth of failed predictions for the end times.
Click to expand...
How can you be certain they all failed? “End times” could be a subjective experience.
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Well, for us to be in the seven year Tribulation, we'd have to be led by an absolute charlatan in league with the devil, feeding malicious nonsense to the --- oh fuck.
 
Elixir said:
ideologyhunter said:
Consult wikipedia for the article 'List of dates predicted for apocalyptic events'. The writer compiled an annotated list of 21 centuries worth of failed predictions for the end times.
Click to expand...
How can you be certain they all failed? “End times” could be a subjective experience.
Click to expand...
"End times" always are.

The point of the apocalyptic prediction is that it is meant to be universal. Predicting the end time of a given individual is pretty easy, to within a fairly broad range, and can even be quite accurate in a narrow range when it is close - When the hospice staff say "He probably won't make it through the night", they are right more often than not.

And if you are an assassin or a military commander, you can bring about the end time for a particular person, or for anyone "in the vicinity" with very high confidence in your "prediction".

Apocalyptic predictions are about predicting the extinction date of Homo Sapiens, which is a much harder thing to do - and pointless, because if you do get it right, nobody's going to know you did.

 
bilby said:
Apocalyptic predictions are about predicting the extinction date of Homo Sapiens
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Waitaminit - I thought only da faithful were s’posed to get raptured, and for the rest of us it’s business as usual. Now you’re saying we ALL get croaked?
 
There is a new twist.

A TV preacher says if you send him money god will return more than what you gave.

Free money.

"Tv preacher seed money" refers to the practice of televangelists and prosperity preachers requesting financial donations, which they call "seeds," from their viewers, promising that these seeds will result in a multiplied "harvest" of God's blessings, favor, and material wealth in the viewer's life
. This concept is known as seed-faith theology, a central tenet of prosperity theology.
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This guy is on TV every week. A skilled smooth talking con artist.


 
If you think those patriotic Americans are going to leave their wrapped, lifted trucks just to participate in some rapture shit, you have another thing coming.
 
Elixir said:
bilby said:
Apocalyptic predictions are about predicting the extinction date of Homo Sapiens
Click to expand...
Waitaminit - I thought only da faithful were s’posed to get raptured, and for the rest of us it’s business as usual. Now you’re saying we ALL
Click to expand...

I think you can still get saved post rapture. There are other supposed elects who fight against the antichrist after the rapture and they too get saved. You only get damned if you reject Jesus right up until he reappears. A split second before that happens if you accept him and repent you get to go to heaven.

That means we can have a damn good time after the rapture for at least a few years!

I just hope that Trump gets raptured along with all of the Charlie Kirk followers.
 
SLD said:
Elixir said:
bilby said:
You only get damned if you reject Jesus right up until he reappears. A split second before that happens if you accept him and repent you get to go to heaven.
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Click to expand...
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That is exactly how life in Christ works. It is a guarantee (covenant) that is made to all of us, and it is redeemable in Christ's blood up to the moment we take our last breath. If you wait too long, you get trap-doored straight to hell. Case in point, from U.S. Army Intelligence:

Transcript from captured Diktafon disc, Berlin, 1945 -- translated by George S. Patton
(Loud crackling sound, clicks, electronic squeal. Male voice speaks) 30 April, 1945, Fuhrerbunker, Fuhrer speaking. Three twenty in the afternoon. (Loud electronic squeal) Schiese!! Am I to be electrocuted, as well as betrayed? The Jews have gotten to this machine!! (Cracking sound) On this day I have resolved to go down fighting in the national capi- (Louder cracking) Eva! For the love of Christus, put the walnuts down! Yes, the verdammt walnuts! You are interfering with a historic document!! (Female voice in background, unintelligible) I don't care what you put in your fat face, but it must be a food that makes no noise. Go get your Haribos. Eat your gummy bears, they make no noise. I resume. I have given my life to fighting World Jewry, but I have been betrayed by enemies from within. They have poisoned the blood of the nation. They dwell like vermin within the confines of the Reich. They have (loud rattling) ....Eva!! Goddammit, stop rattling the Haribo bag! Stop!! I will stuff that bag down your fat throat!! As a matter of fact, I am out of time. The Bolshies will be here any minute. Here, Eva, take this and chew down on it. Ja, okay, have another Haribo first, who would care? No, I want no Haribo. Swallow. Okay? You had enough? Okay, now take this and chew down. No, I don't know what flavor it is, just pretend it is butterscotch. Now, chew it, you foolish frau. (Female voice: "Uhhhh." A thud.) I thank Christus that she is quiet at last. And now, in my final minute, I declare my opposition to World Jewry. I have done my duty by Gott and the Reich. (Sound of pistol being primed.) Jesus, forgive my sins, I prepare to meet you. (Gunshot. Thud.)

Our faith tells us that he was received into the Heavenly Arms at that second. As for Eva, who gives a Schiese.
 
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