Joke gallery

[ideologyhunter]

So I got fired because I was asking customers if they preferred smoking or non-smoking.
The preferred terms are cremation versus burial.

 

[Tigers!]

Last night I wanted to make potato soup.
I found a recipe that says have 5 potatoes cubed.

I dunno. 125 potatoes would make an awful lot of soup for me.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Two ministers are in a holier-than-thou faceoff. One says, "I took my faith seriously, so I never slept with my wife before our marriage. Wanted to, but didn't. How about you?"
The other says, "I'm not completely sure. What was her maiden name?"

 

[SLD]

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

Show

Cameron Diaz - camera in di azz

 

[ZiprHead]

Dad joke.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Job Interviews:

Interviewer: It says here you are very quick at math.
Man: That's true.
Interviewer: What is 23 times 33?
Man: One oh seven.
Interviewer: That's not even close.
Man: Yes, but it was quick.

Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest strength?
Man: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: Really? So...what is your biggest weakness?
Man: Those big blue eyes you have.

 

[Tigers!]

I gave up my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Coincidentally I lost my job as a bus driver that same day.

(For Bilby)

 

[Tigers!]

When your partner tells you they cheated on you there is the temptation to ask "With who?".
Resist the temptation. Instead ask "With whom?".

Speak good English, no matter the circumstances.

 

[ideologyhunter]

What do tight underwear and the Democrat platform have in common?
No ballroom!

 

[Tigers!]

What do tight underwear and the Democrat platform have in common?
No ballroom!

You could add the White House to that list.

 

[ideologyhunter]

A cop calls in to his station. He says, "I need backup at two two one Jackson. Lady shot her husband for walking on a floor she just mopped."
The dispatcher says, "Did you cuff her?"
The cop says, "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

 

[ideologyhunter]

What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?
A dead epileptic.

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere.

What is 6.9?
A good thing ruined by a period.

 

[unapologetic]

American English is so hard.
There's a silent K in "Knight",
only one silent K in "Knnickerbocker",
but 3 silent Ks in "Republican".

 

[ideologyhunter]

A cop pulls a motorcyclist over. He says, "You're under arrest."
The guy says, "What did I do?"
The cop says, "You've got four passengers with you on this motorcycle."
The guy says, "Did you say four?"
The cop says, "Right. Four."
The guy says, "Dammit, we lost Duane."

 

[Tigers!]

What is the internal temperature of a tuantuan?

Luke warm

 

[TV and credit cards]

What is the internal temperature of a tuantuan?

Luke warm

Guess you had to be there.

 

[Wiploc]

Luke cut open a tuantaun and climbed inside to stay warm until he could be rescued.
The tuantuan's internal temperature and Luke's temperature thus became the same, Luke warm.

 

[Spacetime Inhabitant]

Luke cut open a tuantaun and climbed inside to stay warm until he could be rescued.
The tuantuan's internal temperature and Luke's temperature thus became the same, Luke warm.

Pedantic mode - it was Han who cut open the Tauntaun with Luke's light sabre, as Luke was unconscious.

 

[athee]

Luke cut open a tuantaun and climbed inside to stay warm until he could be rescued.
The tuantuan's internal temperature and Luke's temperature thus became the same, Luke warm.

Pedantic mode - it was Han who cut open the Tauntaun with Luke's light sabre, as Luke was unconscious

and you noticed the misspelling of tauntaun too. (chuckle)

 

[Patooka]

American English is so hard.
There's a silent K in "Knight",
only one silent K in "Knnickerbocker",
but 3 silent Ks in "Republican".

Certain libertarians (totally not Trump supporter) might find such a joke offensive.