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Joke gallery

 
 
 
At the risk of being repetitious.

3yo being driven to Gymbaroo by grandmother.

The outburst then was "Fuck off, cocksucker."
 
Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"
 
There's a little clip that gets played on the Stephanie Miller show occasionally. It's a little kid say "George Bush is a dump truck." But comes out "George Bush is a dumb fuck."
 
ZiprHead said:
There's a little clip that gets played on the Stephanie Miller show occasionally. It's a little kid say "George Bush is a dump truck." But comes out "George Bush is a dumb fuck."
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If that was regarding Junior, I don’t see the problem.
 
athee said:
Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"
Click to expand...
Similar story with my dad and his grandson. Grampa was asking him what the names of the animals in the book were and grandson shouted out "Fuck!" when he saw the fox. My dad cracked up and asked him again about five more times and laughed harder each time. It was an especially weird scene since my dad was vehemently anti-swearing when us kids were growing up. My sister and I were like, "WTF?"
 
athee said:
Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"
Click to expand...
My friend's toddler also said fuck for truck. He patiently sat with the child and said, "Listen. TERRRR-ruck. TERRRR-ruck." The child, of course, obediently said, "TERRRR-fuck."
 
A priest is getting toward the end of his ministry. He gets sick of hearing the details of adultery confessions, so he starts telling each penitent, "Just say 'I fell' or 'I've fallen'. I'll understand the rest." Word spreads in the congregation, and soon that's the accepted wording.
A new priest takes over. After several weeks of confession, he's concerned about his congregation's safety. He goes to see the mayor as his civic responsibility. He says, "Mr. Mayor, you need to have all the sidewalks inspected, and then repair the ones that need it. My congregation has experienced an alarming number of falls, and it could get serious."
The mayor knows about the old priest and his word change, so he says with a chuckle, "I really don't think there's a problem here, Father."
The priest says, "You can laugh, but did you know that your own wife fell two times last week?"
 
A woman brings a carpenter up to her apartment. She shows him the bedroom and says, "Every time the city bus goes by, that closet makes an awful creaking sound." He looks at the door, the hinges, the inside of the closet and says, "I can't see anything here that could cause the noise you described." Just then a city bus goes by, and a loud creaking sound comes out of the closet. The carpenter says, "Okay, now you got my full attention. When will the next bus come past? I'm gonna stay in your closet and figure out what's happening."
She says, "It'll probably be a couple of minutes. You stay here and I'll make us both some coffee."
The woman's husband comes home and goes to the bedroom to change clothes. He spots the carpenter and says, "What the hell are you doing in that closet?"
The carpenter says, "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a bus?"
 
An English gentleman returns home, and is met at the door by his butler. The butler takes his hat, gives him a kindly smile, and says, "So you've been out drinking and fucking whores again, aintcha, you deaf old puckered pig's ass?"
The gentleman says, "No, Jonathon, I've had myself fitted for a hearing aid."
 
Loren Pechtel said:
ideologyhunter said:
Two guys are playing chess. One says to the other, "Care to make this interesting?"
So they packed up the chess set.
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I've actually played chess without a board. Not easy.
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Ha! Tried that once … eighth grade iirc.
One kid kept the board while the two players called their moves. I was never in anything like a whole game - within 6-8 moves it always devolved into
Player: “You can’t move there, my pawn is blocking!”
Board Keeper: “Yes he can, you moved that pawn like three moves ago.”
P: “you moved the wrong pawn!”
BK: “you said pawn to bishop 5!”
P: “QUEEN’s Bishop 5!!
BK: that would have been illegal!
Etc.
 
A brand new CEO is getting a tour of one his factories, accompanied by the factory's management team. He's showing off his executive style every step of the way. He spots a worker leaning against a wall, doing absolutely nothing. He says to the managers, "Let me show you how we maximize profits." He calls out to the worker. "You! Yes, you! Come over here, please." The guy comes over and the CEO says, "What's your weekly pay?"
The guy says, "Five hundred."
The CEO makes a show out of pulling out a fat wallet and counting out a thousand dollars. He hands it to the guy and says, "Now that's two weeks' pay. I want you to leave the building right this minute, and don't you ever come back."
The guy leaves, the CEO makes the 'dusting your hands' gesture, and the group moves on. They get to a guy painting a door frame, and the CEO asks, "That guy that just left -- what did he do around here?"
The painter says, "That's the delivery guy from Domino's."
 
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