Perhaps unrelated.
Giant Grease Fire in Hell
(July 11, Hell) - Massive pools of burning grease and combusting gasballs were reported at the admitting tunnel of Hell, according to government sources. EPA chemist Doug Dill said the gases consist of methane, arsenic, ammonia, and various combusting adipose compounds. "It stinks like a bitch down there," Dill added, "and I'm not going anywhere near it."
Fox News corrspondent Bret Baier represented the press pool and interviewed several of the staff of Hell about the blaze. Admitting Imp Wormwood told him that "a new arrival" had started the blaze. "Look, we're all about flames down here, but this is ridiculous," Wormwood stated. "I'm supposed to eat my lunch with this shit happening?"
Assistant Admitting Imps Falwell, Swaggart, and Roberts confirmed Wormwood's account that an arriving client had apparently self-combusted on Saturday night. Roberts added, "The clean-up will take weeks if not months. We need at least 5000 faith partners to send in a $100 love gift so that Hell can be ready to accept and service its daily intake of clients. Send your donation in care of me, Imp Roberts, not to be confused with Jack Van Impe." Falwell added, "Or me, Imp Falwell." Swaggart began to speak when the other two assistant imps ordered him to "shut the fuck up."
The admitting tunnel is scheduled to reopen on Wednesday morning. Until then, new arrivals have been housed in a temporary ICE shelter, Camp Miller.