To add or clarify, DD....
I think southernhybrid was thinking of asexuality. I don't know if you would consider yourself asexual or not (I'm guessing not) but in any case the term probably refers to a variety of dispositions (and is even a valid sexual orientation, imo, or perhaps gender role). Some might say it implies a simple lack of feeling sexual urges at all. Which I think would be misleading or at least not that useful, since it should imo cover 'not very strong urges' and therefore be part of a spectrum like almost everything else, where one could be mostly or partly asexual (or sexual). In other cases, I wonder if it could be extended to having urges but there being some kind of...... limitation.... to them, such as for instance not wanting to act on them in certain actual situations. Or it could be a mix of both a (relative) lack of urges combined with not preferring to act on them in certain situations, with one factor informing the other. Now I'm just rabbiting on. I'm not asexual, or should I say I'm largely sexual, or somewhere near the middle of the bell curve shall we say, so I'm only guessing what it or they might be like, and not assuming it's your preferred self-label in any case.
One rather personal question also springs to mind. Luckily there's anonymity here (and no intent to judge, on my part). Have you ever, do you ever or would you ever visit a prostitute? I only ask because it might serve to untangle some of the intertwining strands which are 'sex' on the one hand and 'relationship' (with all the extra baggage as it were) on the other.
One final question, do you recall ever feeling differently when you were younger, in terms of being more attracted to other people, male or female, or more inclined to want to act on that?
Nosey bastard, aren't I?
Ruby,
I know I would not use asexual to describe my situation or even how it was before my more recent choice in remaining celibate. I considered it for a time but there are still "urges" for a lack of a better term. I do still use porn and/or masturbation at times, though rare.
And funnily enough I did engage the services of a prostitute once, along with a boyfriend I had at the time. Although I participated out of curiosity, something that the lady said was rare as apparently women if involved tall will only watch not engage in sex acts at all, it was still just meh.
At most its maybe 3/4 to an hour of sweat, some pleasure, then orgasm if it occurs at all in a way that wasn't by me, and in terms of adding to a relationship it just doesn't do it for me.
The first guy was pretty awesome at it, though, and it was fine that it was mostly sex, some friendship on the side.
Now, in relation to my attractions, they haven't really altered in that it was always guys, to answer that question. The one foray I had with a chick out of curiosity, to see if it was different in some way, maybe more appealing, turned out be just that, a one-off. I can say in recent years I've developed a new curiosity in trying to learn what sex and everything else in life is to a guy, versus to a lady's perspective. But I've not had much luck cuz guys seem so off-put by questions on sex unless they're gonna have it soon after. Of course this is new for me, so maybe my questions need work too.
To Rousseau
There are no fulfilling relationships for me, never have been, never will be. Not everyone can have that, just like not everybody gets to eat each day, or has shelter in winter an during rain. This isn't pessimism either, but experience with the world and people in traveling, living, and working with them. It's taken a while to come to terms with it in understanding that most people would rather be shit-talkers, thieves, advantage talkers, rapists or abusive little shits, and then move on, but I have.
I recently was ill, had a long-time "friend' I'd known for years who was helpful and decent and not irrational except in believing in aliens go to the local convenience store for cigs and cough syrup cuz I was coughing so bad, doubled up, I couldn't breathe well enough to go. He's done it many times over the last few years before and gotten only what I asked for, and I verified that in my account too and with receipts. This time, turns out he stole from me, and kept the info on my account and kept at it, then tried a flimsy lie of "it wasn't me".
Not that this matters to anything else in the world, cuz I get it, I understand how people are and that compassion is just a concept most people will say they have because it sounds good, makes them look like good people. Ok. It's simply to illustrate that, barring slipping back into being suicidal I have absolutely no compulsion to learn about anybody unless it is online.
I'm in a hole I'll never get out of intellectually, financially, and physically almost given my health issues and lack of mobility, and that's actually fine, because many of my own actions put me here and I know it will limit my lifespan, even if it seem it won't actually end it when I want.
The point is more that even if I were curious enough to go through the hundreds of guys who are shit to try and find the one that's not then it would still be a bad idea on both our parts. Nobody has any love left for someone in my situation, with my life experiences, and my innate inability to put up with unfounded bullshit or stupidity or abuse, and that's fine too.
Right now just trying to stay away from my medicine cabinet while still smoking the fuck out of my lungs. I sincerely wish they would succumb to the crap I put into them soon. Do you know though, this conversation has me dealing with an epiphany of sorts. My awful mother and all ilk like her, so negative, abusive and prone to only what they feel pleasure or derive some meaning from even if it's insanely physically/emotionally harmful to others, or at the very least just plain false, were all very much correct.
It's just me. I'm the reason they're like that because I gave them a chance without assumptions or prejudices, and they saw that and my kindnesses of varying degrees as an easy mark not because police never came when called or helped I anyway when they id arrive but because I totally earned it. I fought that idea for so long, form the time I was very young maybe 5 or 6, kept balking at believing it and trying to use reason and empathy to argue as well as to understand even before I knew there were terms for it and that would mean getting more info related to it, if I just searched hard and far enough. But lying to myself that it was the insane ramblings of a woman clearly suffering from something akin to Histrionics perhaps even full blown HPD, and then moving from that to trying to gain acceptance from the "decent" members of the family only lead the their trying to use my grief over the death of my bio Dad and my mental health diagnosis to strong-arm the funds going to his funeral away.
See there again, it's really me, not strong enough or smart enough to see through it quickly enough and move on.
Yeah this is along rant, sorry for that. I won't feel bad if it gets ignored cuz I know people l have their own shit and their own needs and wants. That matters too, sometimes in ways most people I think fail to wonder about.
I guess, as a summary, sex is just never on the list because when you're broke, half dead from health crap that just wont be kind enough to finish the job, never gonna get anywhere at work cuz even if I had the life span it would fail because it's me trying it. Got a run down house, and a run down life so it seems inconsequential all the way to meaningless to try and fit another person into it all.
Plus I just don't like sex, and the underpinnings of shallowness stemming from it that seem to be present in so many, both women and men too so this is in no way about just one gender cuz I'll find it in each of them.
Ah well, if others find something in it I do not that's at least something to wonder about, right?
