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Things that make you laugh...

My sister had a bit of confusion trying to get somewhere in Atlanta. Construction or something caused some temporary changes to the roadway and she was ticketed for failure to yield.
At traffic court, the woman in front of her started to tell her side, "I was making a left turn and-"
The judge was in a jovial mood and tweaked her a bit. "You were making a left turn? In Atlanta? You never turn left in Atlanta."

The woman did not realize she was being teased. "I had to. That was the only way to get into the shopping center."

"We get people in here EVERY DAY that make a left turn and it screws things up. Never turn left in Atlanta."

They eventually sorted her out, established a fine, moved on. Sister was the next case. They called her. She stepped to the podium. "Tell me what happened."

"I was making a left turn," she stared, then very quickly, "BUT I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!" The judge laughed for five minutes, then let her off.
 
Commander, Submarine Forces, Atlantic, has a little project he's working on, teaching a nuclear weapons culture to the officers and enlisted that operate the big shiny boom things.
We (all the companies supporting Strat Weps) were tasked with introducing the concepts at key points in the curricula. I wrote most of the elements for my company's courses.
The Admiral was not satisfied with another company's efforts, so my boss' boss said, "Here, look at ours!" And showed mine.
COMSUBLANT was so impressed by my efforts he's giving me an award.
Boss told me, in front of my department. I said, "Gosh, i hope fame doesn't change me."
"Shit," two coworkers said. "That's what we were hoping for."
 
Getting gas at the gas station. Guy at the next pump says, "You know, most Americans can't name the first four presidents in order."
I didn't try, but said, "Shit, one time on the sub? I asked everyone who was vice president right then, 85% drew a blank. I mean, it was George Bush, but still..."
He didnt talk again.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A trip to the store. For craft stuff.
Just need a big wooden letter "U" for my boss award. Know right where they are. A quick in-out. No expectations of any big confusing mysteries. Or emotional trauma.


Sliding past the holiday decorations. Aaaaand...


View attachment 35459

I.... i have a question. An URGENT question, please.
Click to expand...

Me too: "Shouldn't one of these be more expensive than the other?"
 
Jayjay said:
Keith&Co. said:
A trip to the store. For craft stuff.
Just need a big wooden letter "U" for my boss award. Know right where they are. A quick in-out. No expectations of any big confusing mysteries. Or emotional trauma.


Sliding past the holiday decorations. Aaaaand...


View attachment 35459

I.... i have a question. An URGENT question, please.
Click to expand...

Me too: "Shouldn't one of these be more expensive than the other?"
Click to expand...

Personally, I’d be insulted. I’d like to think I’d at least fetch four and a quarter.
A spot on an eye level shelf would be nice too but you won’t hear me complain.
 
So, last night, i was visited by three ghosts. I think i pissed off the Ghost Of Halloweens Yet To Come, though. They showed me my future.
poet.jpg

I said, "Cool! My wife, Mom AND Dad delivered Eulogies!"
 
Something new at work.
In addition to our performance reviews, we're being rated on our 'Potential.'
Not potential for productive output, but Potential for Change.
Like, if someone wants to move from worker to Tech Manager to Department Head, they're exhibiting a High Potential.
If someone's satisfied where they're at, with the job they're doing, and have no desire to be promoted to a different job, they have Low Potential. This is me. This describes me exactly.

My boss spent 15 minutes going over the new program with me. About 5 minutes on the new program, about 10 minutes trying to soften the blow of telling me i'm Low Potential, but that there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, he knows it SOUNDS dismissive.
But i caught on pretty quickly that my picture could be used in the definition.

When he briefed me, he called back to a former coworker who retired about 5 years ago. "Susan was Low Potential. Really great at her job, no desire to move out of it."
"Okay. And me."
"Well, you're Low to Mid."
"Shut your whore mouth, Bill, I am NOT Mid-Potential. I am Low."
"And there's nothing wrong with that!"
"Wouldn't matter a damn if there was."


My wife works here, has the same manager. He used Susan as the example for Low when he briefed her.
For EVERYONE ELSE IN THE DEPARTMENT, he used ME as the example.
Jeez, if he's THAT afraid I'm going to take offense (or my wife will on my part), maybe we shouldn't adopt those buzzwords?
 
Keith&Co. said:
Something new at work.
In addition to our performance reviews, we're being rated on our 'Potential.'
Not potential for productive output, but Potential for Change.
Like, if someone wants to move from worker to Tech Manager to Department Head, they're exhibiting a High Potential.
If someone's satisfied where they're at, with the job they're doing, and have no desire to be promoted to a different job, they have Low Potential. This is me. This describes me exactly.

My boss spent 15 minutes going over the new program with me. About 5 minutes on the new program, about 10 minutes trying to soften the blow of telling me i'm Low Potential, but that there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, he knows it SOUNDS dismissive.
But i caught on pretty quickly that my picture could be used in the definition.

When he briefed me, he called back to a former coworker who retired about 5 years ago. "Susan was Low Potential. Really great at her job, no desire to move out of it."
"Okay. And me."
"Well, you're Low to Mid."
"Shut your whore mouth, Bill, I am NOT Mid-Potential. I am Low."
"And there's nothing wrong with that!"
"Wouldn't matter a damn if there was."


My wife works here, has the same manager. He used Susan as the example for Low when he briefed her.
For EVERYONE ELSE IN THE DEPARTMENT, he used ME as the example.
Jeez, if he's THAT afraid I'm going to take offense (or my wife will on my part), maybe we shouldn't adopt those buzzwords?
Click to expand...

They should be rating people on their fit, or their tenacity, or their appropriateness.

If you want to stay in your current role, you gave good fit, great tenacity, and are a highly appropriate employee.

If, on the other hand, you want to do something else - even if that something else is the boss's job, or the boss's boss's job - you have poor fit, low tenacity and are inappropriate to your role. You're also likely to be an ineffective employee who spends too much time kissing arses and worrying about a job you don't have, and not enough time doing your current job to the best of your ability.

I hate the entire system that demands advancement, even at the cost of competence. Nobody likes working with colleagues whose focus is their next promotion, and not the task at hand.
 
bilby said:
If, on the other hand, you want to do something else - even if that something else is the boss's job, or the boss's boss's job - you have poor fit, low tenacity and are inappropriate to your role. You're also likely to be an ineffective employee who spends too much time kissing arses and worrying about a job you don't have, and not enough time doing your current job to the best of your ability.
Click to expand...
This is whst i hated about military advancement. I studied the system i was billeted. People who wanted to be in charge studied command level collateral duties to get attention. So i often worked for people that really needed me to tell them how our system worked.

But if i asked to not be recommended gor sdvancement, i'd hve slso nit been recommended for retention.
 
Pizza tonight. No contact delivery.
I appended a message to our order: Money will be on a darling little table inside the garage. Leave the food there. Tip included, change is neither desired or required.

Light is on, door is unlocked.
Got an email saying a package was delivered. So, as i go outside, i tell myself not to lock the garage door as is my habit.
Don't lock garage door.
Get outside.
Don't lock garage door.
Check the delivery box. There's no goddamned delivery.
Don't lock garage door.
Fedex hack walked past it to put the envelope on the porch in direct contradiction of the box instructions.
Don't lock garage door.
Gather the envelope.
Come inside.
Say out loud, "Don't lock garage door."
I Don't lock garage door! Yay!
Five steps later, the kitchen door is locked.
I don't have my keys.
Back outside to ring the doorbell.
Son stands next to front door, shouts, "The money's in the garage!"

I am well aware.
"Open the god damned door!"
Neighbor shouts, 'Watch the language!'
"My son locked me out!"
"I did not!" he protests, inadvertently admitting he knew who was knocking... "I mean, um. I'll get the door!"
So helpful....
 
My sister in law died a while back. She named a friend as her executor, who's still working thru the inheritance and estate.
We've been to Philly a couple of times helping with stuff, finding, sorting, clsiming, tossing... Been out to dinner a couple times, a few long drives looking for storage lockers or safe deposits.

Friend is about a generation older than us. Very friendly, polite, generous... And she keeps interrupting conversations to reassure my wife.

She'll tell a SIL anecdote. Which reminds me of 'This one time on my (1st, 3rd, 6th) command...' During these sea stories my wife will have the 'why has no one shot you?' expression. I am familiar with this face.
Friend will misinterpret the look and rush to say, "Oh, it's funny, but he never really told a Navy Chaplain to shut his piehole.'"

This is funny because my wife is well aware of what i am capable of saying. She was also at one of the commands and heard independent renditions of a couple of my stories thru one or more grapevines. If anything, i toned the stories DOWN for polite company.

So, you know, it's nice that you have this high opinion of me, dear, but do you really think after 30 years my WIFE needs the bowlderized version?
 
Coworker went to visit his parents last week. Just emailed that they wanted to go to church. He hasn't been since hd left home, but knew his wife would say, 'let's just get along.' So they went.
Pastor met them at the door, asked if he read to his kids from The Good Book.
Wow. This was just like that facebook meme! So he said, 'Yes.'
In the meme, the Pastor asks 'what's their favorite part.' His parents' pastor asked, 'Do they get excited?'
Close enough. He cheekily repeats the meme, "At the part where Frodo destroys the Ring!"
Pastor immediately looks pissed. "Frodo didn't destroy the Ring! Gollum did! Who's telling them it was Frodo?!"
"Poser," his wife said.

I think i am going to call him mundane on Monday....
 
I've discovered and enjoy Inka Peruvian Corn snacks. Like Corn Nuts, but bigger kernels. A little lighter, crisp but not as tough to chew.
Ordered some last week. Vendor warned me there were supply issues, they may not be able to fill the order.
Found another source. Ordered some. Supply issues, may not be able to fill the order right away.
Found another, same story.

So, three orders in, expect delays. Worst case, the snacks are staggered across the calendar with random deliveries. Or, one fills the order, i can cancel the others.
I opened my email Monday, three messages thanking me for my patience, the order has shipped.
Wife found me today, building Fort Peru out of cases of corn snacks...
We're prepared to face off conquistadors, now. These things in a slingshot will behead an Inquisitor, i think.
 
Cub Scouts, 1969, my Dad has volunteered to be the incoming Scout Master. All the main Den activities are done by the Den Mothers. The only real activity of the Scout Master was to organize the annual fund raiser. Unlike the Girl Scouts with their traditional cookie sales, each year the Cub Scouts have to come up with a new thing to sell. The out going Scout Master has delivered unto my Dad a hand typed list of the all the sales done over the past decade, and a list of phone numbers / company names that support / provide the "stuff" that can be sold for low expense and "big profit." Of course this is pre-internet days, so my Dad starts making calls in which the reps for these companies describe what they have that is new(!). All of these companies in those days would consider the Scouts "good for it" and advance all of the stuff, expecting to be paid by the Scouts afterward, with the pack keeping any profits. My Dad reached an agreement with one company thinking that what he was to receive was one sample box (remember, he hasn't seen them) of "Americas Greeting Cards" (featuring fabulous photos of American landscapes during different seasons). Two weeks later a semi-truck drives down our little suburban Maryland street to deliver unto my Dad 144 cases (each case 12" x 12" x 12" and containing 12 boxes of 24 cards), of Americas Greeting Cards . . .

Fortunately the photos were indeed fabulous and the boxes practically sold themselves.
 
hyzer said:
Cub Scouts, 1969, my Dad has volunteered to be the incoming Scout Master. All the main Den activities are done by the Den Mothers. The only real activity of the Scout Master was to organize the annual fund raiser. Unlike the Girl Scouts with their traditional cookie sales, each year the Cub Scouts have to come up with a new thing to sell. The out going Scout Master has delivered unto my Dad a hand typed list of the all the sales done over the past decade, and a list of phone numbers / company names that support / provide the "stuff" that can be sold for low expense and "big profit." Of course this is pre-internet days, so my Dad starts making calls in which the reps for these companies describe what they have that is new(!). All of these companies in those days would consider the Scouts "good for it" and advance all of the stuff, expecting to be paid by the Scouts afterward, with the pack keeping any profits. My Dad reached an agreement with one company thinking that what he was to receive was one sample box (remember, he hasn't seen them) of "Americas Greeting Cards" (featuring fabulous photos of American landscapes during different seasons). Two weeks later a semi-truck drives down our little suburban Maryland street to deliver unto my Dad 144 cases (each case 12" x 12" x 12" and containing 12 boxes of 24 cards), of Americas Greeting Cards . . .

Fortunately the photos were indeed fabulous and the boxes practically sold themselves.
Click to expand...
OOPS. hehe
 
So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.

LS: Trainee will perform a representative sample of Fire Control diagnostic procedures to gain familiarity with the test station, the procedures, and pass/fail criteria.

My reply: What the fuck is wrong with you? Part I of the lesson plan is the Introduction. Thst's between the instructor and the students. Not part of the LS.
Part II is the lab prep. They aren't supposed to be in the lab during the prep, it's a safety violation, so no learning CAN happen, so strategy applies.
III is Safety Brief. This is a Navy requirement for instruction. For operating the lab and knowing what to do in case of danger (mainly: leave.). The instructor doesn't even refer to my LP for this part, but a locally generated brief unique to the lab,
IV-Security Brief. As above, but a different local brief.
V. Direct Trainee to perform the Fire Control diagnostic procedures listed below. Ensure Trainee gains familiarity with the test station, the procedures, and pass/fail criteria. Ensure Traimnee understands this is not all the diagnostics, but a sample. I hope to god in all her glory that this is the part you felt was covered by my learning strategy. I pretty much quoted it to MAKE the learning strategy. I'd ask, but i might not be able to handle it if you answer wrong.
VI. Critique. This is the part where they summarize what was done in the lab, including any violations of Safety and Security. It is after the god damned learning, thus beyond the scope of any learnification strategizing, nu?
VII. Terminate lab. They undo the Part II steps, again without any participation from the students who are not qualified to safely assist these steps. As above, no leaning possible.

Boss heard me pounding the keys as i replied and worried about my professionalism. She was working remote today, and my mic picked up the plastic chipping off the keys. 'Send me the reply before you...No. Send me the reply, I'll post it.'

She posted a WAY smaller version. Like, "Yes, that's right." Or some such...
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.
Click to expand...
Experts at toy battleships in the bathtub, perhaps?
 
Loren Pechtel said:
Keith&Co. said:
So, i submitted a lesson plan for approval.
A chain of Subject Matter Experts and Instructional Design people reviewed it and offered helpful observations.
Joy.
One SME felt a need to point out that my Learning Strategy only covered six of the seven parts of the lesson. Huh. Let me see.
Click to expand...
Experts at toy battleships in the bathtub, perhaps?
Click to expand...
So No, he knows or is experienced with the real weapon system, under the waters and everything, and should comment on technical content. He knows doo piddly squat about the chosen method for packaging the content. He should not draw so VERY much attention to this fact.
 
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