Joke gallery

What kind of fish is made up of two sodium ions?

What prehistoric creature is quiet when urinating?

I'm out of grade A jokes right now, but try these:

Why is there no treatment for a stoner who gets addicted to brake fluid?
Because he can stop whenever he wants.

"Did you hear about that movie star who stabbed her husband? Reese...(wave your hand)...what's her name?"
"Witherspoon?"
"Nah. With a butcher knife."

Donald and Daisy Duck are in a motel but Donald forgot to pack rubbers. He shouts, "Aw, Phooey!" and calls down to the main desk. He says, "Say, can you send a wubbah up to Room 310?"
"Yes, sir," the clerk says. "Do you want me to put this on your bill?"
Donald says, "Are you kwazy? I'd thuffocate!"

What do you call a javelin thrower with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare

Quasimodo finishes his bell ringing for the day, goes home, and walks into the kitchen. There's his mom, and she's unboxing a big, shiny, new wok. Quasimodo beams and says, "Wok good!! Quasimodo like chop suey!"
His mom says, "I'm not making chop suey, you jackass. I needed a place to iron your shirts."

What do I know about Bonsai Trees?

Very little.

f there's a War on Christmas, then Christmas is the aggressor.

Thanksgiving has already fallen, and Halloween is barely holding the line.

Labor Day has rushed to open negotiations to join the League of Holidays.

These jokes are old and tired and disappointing, but so is Christmas.

A West Virginia farmer walks into the den and finds his daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "Goddammit!" he says. "I was gonna eat that tonight. Now it's gonna taste like cucumber!"

A woman visits her husband in jail. On the way out, she collars the guard and says, "You guys need to lay off my husband. You're working him to death."
The guard says, "You've got to be kidding. All he does is eat and sleep and stay in his cell."
The wife says, "Bullshit! He told me he's been digging a tunnel for the last six months."

Merry Christmas, everyone. (I had a gross joke about Tarzan and Jane, but this is a holy season.)

It's way past midnight. A trucker calls his dispatcher. He says, "I'm out on a county road and I just ran over a bear. What do you want me to do?"
The dispatcher says, "Well, is there anyone else on the road?" The trucker says, "No."
The dispatcher says, "Well, you got a shovel in that truck. Bury it, and get the hell out of there."
Forty-five minutes later the trucker calls back. He says, "I buried him. What should I do with his car?"