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Joke gallery

 
 
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer pulls over a Harley rider for speeding and asks for his name.

“Fred,” the old biker replies.

“Fred what?” the officer inquires.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

In a good mood and thinking about letting the biker off with a warning, the officer presses, “Come on, what’s your last name?”

The old man sighs and says, “I used to have a last name, but I lost it.”

The officer, now curious and a bit amused, decides to play along. “Okay, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker leans back and begins his tale. “Well, it’s a long story. I was born Fred Johnson. Worked hard in school, got good grades, and decided to become a doctor. After years of study, I earned my degree and became Fred Johnson, MD.

“But after a while, being a doctor got dull, so I went back to school and became a dentist. Now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

“Things were fine until I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

“The ADA found out about the VD and took away my DDS, so I was just Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

“Then the AMA heard about it, and they took away my MD, so I was just Fred Johnson with VD.

“Finally, the VD took away my Johnson, and that’s how I became… Just Fred.”
 

A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.​


God greets the three and asks each what they believe in.

First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, What am I doing?

I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused.

Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 
Little Arlo asks his mom how he was born.
She takes a deep breath, sits down beside him, and says, "Well, son, your daddy and I took a little seed and we planted it in the ground. And soon a little tiny plant came up, and we watered it and took care of it. And the plant grew strong in the sunshine and it grew leaves and got so big and tall. And finally it grew a sweet little bud. And honey, we carefully plucked that little bud and smoked it and got so goddamn high that we fucked without a rubber. And that's how you were born, Arlo."
 
A priest and a friend are out playing golf.

The friend misses a putt and shouts 'God damn it I missed!'. The priest cautions his friend not to swear with god's name.

A few holes later the friend again shouts 'God damn it I missed' and again the friend is cautioned.

On the last hole the friend again shouts 'God damn it I missed' and a bolt of lightning comes down burning the priest to a crisp.

A loud booming voice is heard 'Damn it I missed'.
 
A nun dies. In heaven, the admitting angel sizes her up for wings, a robe, and a halo. He says off-handedly, "You were very faithful on earth, so you get a size 12 halo."
The nun says, "These things are sized based on your faith?"
The angel says, "Yes, they are!"
An hour later she comes back and says, "Look, I'm not one to judge, but Princess Diana's halo is much bigger than the one Lord Jesus has."
The angel says, "That's not her halo. That's the steering wheel."
 
ideologyhunter said:
A nun dies. In heaven, the admitting angel sizes her up for wings, a robe, and a halo. He says off-handedly, "You were very faithful on earth, so you get a size 12 halo."
The nun says, "These things are sized based on your faith?"
The angel says, "Yes, they are!"
An hour later she comes back and says, "Look, I'm not one to judge, but Princess Diana's halo is much bigger than the one Lord Jesus has."
The angel says, "That's not her halo. That's the steering wheel."
Click to expand...
Groan

:hysterical:
 
unapologetic said:
People who look past misspellings and understand what is being said, are more intelligent, Have more flexible minds.
Click to expand...
And people who understand, but choose to build humour out of such misunderstandings have even more flexible minds.

There's a reason they are called wisecracks. ;)
 
ideologyhunter said:
A nun dies. In heaven, the admitting angel sizes her up for wings, a robe, and a halo. He says off-handedly, "You were very faithful on earth, so you get a size 12 halo."
The nun says, "These things are sized based on your faith?"
The angel says, "Yes, they are!"
An hour later she comes back and says, "Look, I'm not one to judge, but Princess Diana's halo is much bigger than the one Lord Jesus has."
The angel says, "That's not her halo. That's the steering wheel."
Click to expand...
??
 
Loren Pechtel said:
ideologyhunter said:
A nun dies. In heaven, the admitting angel sizes her up for wings, a robe, and a halo. He says off-handedly, "You were very faithful on earth, so you get a size 12 halo."
The nun says, "These things are sized based on your faith?"
The angel says, "Yes, they are!"
An hour later she comes back and says, "Look, I'm not one to judge, but Princess Diana's halo is much bigger than the one Lord Jesus has."
The angel says, "That's not her halo. That's the steering wheel."
Click to expand...
??
Click to expand...
She died in a car crash.
 
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