Joke gallery

What kind of fish is made up of two sodium ions?

What prehistoric creature is quiet when urinating?

I'm out of grade A jokes right now, but try these:

Why is there no treatment for a stoner who gets addicted to brake fluid?
Because he can stop whenever he wants.

"Did you hear about that movie star who stabbed her husband? Reese...(wave your hand)...what's her name?"
"Witherspoon?"
"Nah. With a butcher knife."

Donald and Daisy Duck are in a motel but Donald forgot to pack rubbers. He shouts, "Aw, Phooey!" and calls down to the main desk. He says, "Say, can you send a wubbah up to Room 310?"
"Yes, sir," the clerk says. "Do you want me to put this on your bill?"
Donald says, "Are you kwazy? I'd thuffocate!"

What do you call a javelin thrower with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare

Quasimodo finishes his bell ringing for the day, goes home, and walks into the kitchen. There's his mom, and she's unboxing a big, shiny, new wok. Quasimodo beams and says, "Wok good!! Quasimodo like chop suey!"
His mom says, "I'm not making chop suey, you jackass. I needed a place to iron your shirts."

What do I know about Bonsai Trees?

Very little.

f there's a War on Christmas, then Christmas is the aggressor.

Thanksgiving has already fallen, and Halloween is barely holding the line.

Labor Day has rushed to open negotiations to join the League of Holidays.

These jokes are old and tired and disappointing, but so is Christmas.

A West Virginia farmer walks into the den and finds his daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "Goddammit!" he says. "I was gonna eat that tonight. Now it's gonna taste like cucumber!"

A woman visits her husband in jail. On the way out, she collars the guard and says, "You guys need to lay off my husband. You're working him to death."
The guard says, "You've got to be kidding. All he does is eat and sleep and stay in his cell."
The wife says, "Bullshit! He told me he's been digging a tunnel for the last six months."

Merry Christmas, everyone. (I had a gross joke about Tarzan and Jane, but this is a holy season.)

It's way past midnight. A trucker calls his dispatcher. He says, "I'm out on a county road and I just ran over a bear. What do you want me to do?"
The dispatcher says, "Well, is there anyone else on the road?" The trucker says, "No."
The dispatcher says, "Well, you got a shovel in that truck. Bury it, and get the hell out of there."
Forty-five minutes later the trucker calls back. He says, "I buried him. What should I do with his car?"

I was going to tell a vegan joke but it is so tasteless.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a giant blunt. He's so high he starts to giggle. A little lizard from higher up in the tree climbs down and says, "What you doin'?"
The monkey says, "I'm smokin this fatty and I'm high as fuck. Here, take a hit."
The lizard takes five or six little hits and says, "That's so strong it's makin' my mouth dry. I'm gonna get a drink. I'll be right back." The lizard wobbles down the tree trunk, walks over to a creek, and falls in. A friendly crocodile picks him up gently and sets him on the bank. The crocodile says, "It's okay, bro, I won't eat you this time. What happened to you?"
The lizard says, "There's a monkey up in that tree smokin reefer, and he's handing it out to everyone."
The crocodile skedaddles over to the tree, looks up and says, "Give me a hit of that shit!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Shiiiiiit, dude, how much did you drink?"

I forgot that I had a Christmas-appropriate joke. Here goes.

Four generations of prostitutes are enjoying their Christmas dinner together. The youngest says, "You wouldn't believe men these days -- complaining because a blowjob costs a hundred bucks!"
Her mother, who worked the streets in the 80s, says, "Oh, cry me a river, bitch! I was lucky to get $25 for a blowjob."
Grandma puts down her eggnog and says, "Both you whores should shut the fuck up. In the fifties we got $5 for a blowie, and we took it, and we were glad to get it."
Grandma stubs out her cigarette and says, "You're all a bunch o' gol-darned spoiled sluts. Why, in the Great Depression, we were thankful just to get something warm in our stomachs."

Happy Holidays and Pray for World Peace.

Do you know why divorce is so expensive?