As Search For Sub Gone Missing, Writers At The Onion Struggle For Decency

[Jimmy Higgins]

That is awesome!

 

[SLD]

Well, it was a fast end at least. Just read the news finally.

One thing about subs that people don't understand, is that as you go down, the hull actually gets compressed. You can tie a string tight across the hull and as you go down it will sag. If you tight it tight across when you're down under and go up, it will actually break a strong rope. The pressure is huge, and we didn't go nearly as deep as this sub did. The problem is that you can only do this so many times before something really gives. In our subs it wasn't a problem - you could do it for decades without an issue. But subs designed to go down to 13,000 feet or more have very limited lives. They generally don't go down to their original depth a second time. That is each time, they go shallower and shallower due to this problem. This sub was a supposedly novel design, but it was never fully tested. It was made of carbon fibers as well as titanium. I'm not sure exactly, but I read where it was made in layers and wraps. I suspect strongly that the design was flawed from the beginning - it just couldn't go down as far as it did that many times. It flexed too much and kaboom. At least it would have been a quick death. The implosion likely heated the air to maybe a thousand degrees instantly. Not sure. The change in pressure would have destroyed them instantly regardless. I hope that they recover a piece of the wreckage to determine the cause.

 

[SLD]

And the zinger's just keep coming from the Onion!

They're just pouring them out!

Critics Say Submersible Should’ve Been Tested With Poorer Passengers First

WASHINGTON—Analyzing the mistakes OceanGate made that led to the vessel’s disappearance, critics told reporters Thursday that the submersible should have been tested with poorer passengers first. “The company skipped the very crucial step of sending five lower-class people to the bottom of the...

www.theonion.com

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Titan FAQ:

What is 375 atm of pressure equivalent to?

62,525 vinyl single copies of Billy Joel's hit song Pressure

Or

16,665 vinyl copies of Billy Joel album Nylon Curtain which contains the hit single Pressure

Or

984 copies of the acclaimed Box Set release of Nylon Curtain which contains the hit single Pressure as well as a demo, two live cuts, and a remix.

All applied to one square inch of the hull.

 

[Elixir]

Someone supposedly did the math for the entire hull, and it came to one Empire State Building made of lead.
Once again, anything but metric.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

5510 psi

I get 10,800,000,000 lbs or roughly 5,000,000,000 kg. Roughly 34 billion vinyl copies of Nylon Curtain.

 

[WAB]

5510 psi

I get 10,800,000,000 lbs or roughly 5,000,000,000 kg. Roughly 34 billion vinyl copies of Nylon Curtain.

Yeah but is that with or without the cover and sleeve? And are the lyrics included? I know he wasn't a poetical genius, but sometimes his lyrics could be pretty heavy.

 

[Thomas II]

 

[Ford]

How dare you try to humanize these people while their families are finally able to let go of overwhelming anxiety agonizing over the fate of their loved ones and desperately trying to find some solace in the fact that they probably died a painless, instant trip to oblivion. What kind of monster are you?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

5510 psi

I get 10,800,000,000 lbs or roughly 5,000,000,000 kg. Roughly 34 billion vinyl copies of Nylon Curtain.

Yeah but is that with or without the cover and sleeve? And are the lyrics included? I know he wasn't a poetical genius, but sometimes his lyrics could be pretty heavy.

I think it is just the record.

 

[SLD]

What they saw as the sub imploded:

Titanic - Ending Scene - 1080pHD on Make a GIF

_premium

makeagif.com

 

[WAB]

Shipwreck, one grieves to say, retains its vogue.

- Tom Kettle

 

[blastula]

Pornhub Releases Graphic Illustrating Depth Of Submersible Compared With 10-Inch Cock

MONTREAL—Posting the helpful explainer to their social media to educate the online public, Pornhub released a graphic Thursday illustrating the depth of the OceanGate submersible compared to a 10-inch cock. “The OceanGate submersible was designed to make it 152,790 inches deeper than this veiny...

www.theonion.com

"Even the most rock-hard of monster dongs would be unable to withstand the pressure of the ocean at that depth"

hahaha

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I loved that one. I had made the observation to myself about how all the news sites had their own depth chart and how that seemed a bit silly. So why not PornHub.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

What good is life if you can’t laugh?

View attachment 43562

NM

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

The issue on the sub would be the people and their natural ability to manage stress (not good). The regret and acceptance would be one thing, but the anger and denial, panic, and all the people going through it in different ways, creating an absolute mess, in quarters that are too damn small to die in a group. Hungry, cold, depressed, angry, probably in the dark.

And here I am, wishing it was the Trump family, everyone but Barron. I mean how suitable would that have been!

Trump’s fat ass wouldn’t fit through the hatch.

 

[Cheerful Charlie]

Going 3 kilometers deep in the ocean in a known unsafe submarine. Is that a Darwin award level activity?

 

[Elixir]

The issue on the sub would be the people and their natural ability to manage stress (not good). The regret and acceptance would be one thing, but the anger and denial, panic, and all the people going through it in different ways, creating an absolute mess, in quarters that are too damn small to die in a group. Hungry, cold, depressed, angry, probably in the dark.

And here I am, wishing it was the Trump family, everyone but Barron. I mean how suitable would that have been!

Trump’s fat ass wouldn’t fit through the hatch.

The issue mentioned never arose. There was likely less than one second between the first sign of failure and the crew ceasing to exist.

 

[blastula]

It also meant we didn't get to see which billionaire murdered the other ones for the oxygen.

 

[Elixir]

It also meant we didn't get to see which billionaire murdered the other ones for the oxygen.

^ Good reason to require “black boxes” on any future such cans of people.