C_Mucius_Scaevola
Veteran Member
Fucking weirdness magnets, how do they work?
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confessions of a weirdness magnet
- Thread starter tantric
- Start date
Valjean
Veteran Member
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2009
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- 1,349
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- Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA
- Basic Beliefs
- Vedanta. Many worlds physics, Environmentalism, Socialism.
Magnetic monopoles.
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2007
- Messages
- 34,074
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- He/Him
- Basic Beliefs
- Strong Atheist
Good for keeping the kids entertained on long car rides.
Tried regular monopoles once, but every time you hit a bump, there are chance cards and little plastic hotels everywhere.
tantric
Member
'weirdness magnet' is a disadvantage in the tabletop RPG GURPS - it means your character is constantly annoyed by weird shit, like frogs falling from the sky (not yet, i carry an umbrella)
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 12
how dopamine killed the dinosaurs
most people who use drugs know jack shit about drugs. you need to have some idea of the structure and pharmokinetics of the shit you're trippin on. now i'm gone school y'all, in the name of harm reduction. listen, you can call drugs by their structure, their effect on your behavior or what neurotransmitters (NTs) they affect. meth and coke are stimulants, both simulate/increase dopamine, but coke also works norepinephrine. once you're addicted to certain opiates, their dopamine effect makes them partial stimulants. benzos and alcohol are sedatives, but also are dopaminergic, like all drugs that cause hardcore addiction.
serotonergic drugs are such as mushrooms, LSD, DMT, etc. you feel joyous instead of pleasurable and hallucinate. MDMA is a mixed dopaminergic/ serotonergic drug at some magic ratio that is its own thing. dissociative drugs are the other hallucinogens - PCP, ketamine, MXE, DXM, ibogaine etc. They work on NDMA (just say the letters) and less so on dopamine and serotonin. ibogaine is famous for interrupting and curing, long term, addictions, but the others work to various degrees, too. pot, THC and all the cannabinoids are on a different circuit altogether, one that's poorly understood.
the mammalian mind possesses an inherent capacity for addiction. logically, the addiction mechanism evolved for a reason, that is, at one time the capacity for addiction was a prosurvival trait. when one examines the actual process of addiction, it's origin becomes clear. the mammalian mind has a feedback loop that makes prosurvival behavior, such as eating high fat/protein foods or copulating, pleasurable. not only do we enjoy such activities, but once we get used to engaging in them, it is unpleasant to stop. the neurochemical involved seems to be dopamine, which is related to pleasure/pain.
this bit of information helps us understand the minds of birds and reptiles in that we can see that this trait/capacity is not present. ever tried to raise a baby bird? it will starve sitting in front of food. you offer birds food that is fun to play with, not food that tastes good. it is not that birds don't enjoy eating, but that they don't enjoy eating (or screwing) one thing any more than any other thing, and they stop eating when they are no longer hungry.
mammals, on the other hand, eat and reproduce to excess, not because they have to,but because they want to. and when push came to climatic shove, the extra fat and babies let mammals survive the extinction that killed the dinosaurs. this is the first part of the riddle of addiction: how dopamine killed the dinosaurs.
okay, now, let's use this theory to look at our own behavior. ever wanted something to eat, stood in front of a full pantry, and still found no satisfaction? we must understand that there is a very big difference between foodcraving and hunger. very few americans ever experience real hunger. foodcraving is a very different feeling - it is feeding the monkey, the addiction, and has nothing to do with whether or not your body needs nourishment. likewise, it seems that the sex-based process is expressed in modern society through pornography. it may very well be that males and females relate to sex differently, and that it is mostly males that become addicted to porn.
this theory also puts a different spin on the idea of drug addiction. for one, we can divide drugs into those that work on dopamine: ethanol, nicotine, cocaine, amphetamines, ghb, opiates, etc, and those that don't: THC, caffeine, LSD, tryptamines, etc. Those that don't work on dopamine are either nonaddictive, or addictive in a wholly different manner. And when it comes to dopamine drugs, there is only one addiction: the addiction to dopamine. how you go about adjusting your dopamine balance is largely irrelevant. the truth of this is demonstrated by the phenomenon of addiction transference. quit drinking, and take up smoking. quit smoking and take up junk food. go to a narcotics anon meeting, and the room will be dense with cigarette smoke and self-delusion. to be free of a dopamine addiction, you must give it all up: the drugs, the foods and (if applicable) the pornsex.
now for some deep theory. in buddhist philosophy, souls return again and again to this world because they are addicted to sensation. the evidence of our senses, watching a sunrise or smelling a flower, provides a spark of pleasure. this pleasure soon fades and leaves an emptiness that can only be filled by more and more intense sensation. joy, which comes from spirituality and is defined as an absence of suffering, is entirely different from pleasure in that it is not ephemeral or transient. in order to attain enlightenment, a being must give up its addiction to pleasure and seek out spiritual joy.
so, we now see that dealing with a dopamine/drug addiction is spiritual practice for the bigger task of dealing with an addiction to sensual reality. as is the creed of AA, addiction is a spiritual disease that requires a spiritual cure. furthermore, becoming an addict and recovering is the perfect kind of suffering: that which leads to personal growth. in buddhism, the purpose of suffering is to make growth possible. pain is the only real teacher. we can infer that there is a higher purpose in the evolution of the addictive mechanism - because we have the capability of being addicted to drugs or dopamine, we also have the capacity to break the overall addiction to reality.
on to dopamine again. pleasure/dopamine rush is the carrot, but where is the stick? it seems that when the brain notices an abrupt shift in dopamine levels, it produces an enzyme which breaks down MAO, another enzyme that breaks down neurochemicals. this is logical: you are used to high amounts of dopamine and suddenly you aren't getting it anymore. to conserve, the brain stops breaking down existing dopamine, making it seem to go further. unfortunately, this places hell with neurochemistry in general, and the experience is subjectively very unpleasant. the full implication is that being in a state of addictive withdrawal is equivalent to taking a MAO-Inhibitor, and any drug that you take while in withdrawal will seem much more powerful. the MAO-I effect of withdrawal has been experimental verified, though it has never been linked to an overall metatheory of addiction.
anyway, that's how dopamine killed the dinosaurs, and why dopamine is going to kill the usgov. oh, yeah, and why buddhism is the best religion ;-) your mileage may vary.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 12
how dopamine killed the dinosaurs
most people who use drugs know jack shit about drugs. you need to have some idea of the structure and pharmokinetics of the shit you're trippin on. now i'm gone school y'all, in the name of harm reduction. listen, you can call drugs by their structure, their effect on your behavior or what neurotransmitters (NTs) they affect. meth and coke are stimulants, both simulate/increase dopamine, but coke also works norepinephrine. once you're addicted to certain opiates, their dopamine effect makes them partial stimulants. benzos and alcohol are sedatives, but also are dopaminergic, like all drugs that cause hardcore addiction.
serotonergic drugs are such as mushrooms, LSD, DMT, etc. you feel joyous instead of pleasurable and hallucinate. MDMA is a mixed dopaminergic/ serotonergic drug at some magic ratio that is its own thing. dissociative drugs are the other hallucinogens - PCP, ketamine, MXE, DXM, ibogaine etc. They work on NDMA (just say the letters) and less so on dopamine and serotonin. ibogaine is famous for interrupting and curing, long term, addictions, but the others work to various degrees, too. pot, THC and all the cannabinoids are on a different circuit altogether, one that's poorly understood.
the mammalian mind possesses an inherent capacity for addiction. logically, the addiction mechanism evolved for a reason, that is, at one time the capacity for addiction was a prosurvival trait. when one examines the actual process of addiction, it's origin becomes clear. the mammalian mind has a feedback loop that makes prosurvival behavior, such as eating high fat/protein foods or copulating, pleasurable. not only do we enjoy such activities, but once we get used to engaging in them, it is unpleasant to stop. the neurochemical involved seems to be dopamine, which is related to pleasure/pain.
this bit of information helps us understand the minds of birds and reptiles in that we can see that this trait/capacity is not present. ever tried to raise a baby bird? it will starve sitting in front of food. you offer birds food that is fun to play with, not food that tastes good. it is not that birds don't enjoy eating, but that they don't enjoy eating (or screwing) one thing any more than any other thing, and they stop eating when they are no longer hungry.
mammals, on the other hand, eat and reproduce to excess, not because they have to,but because they want to. and when push came to climatic shove, the extra fat and babies let mammals survive the extinction that killed the dinosaurs. this is the first part of the riddle of addiction: how dopamine killed the dinosaurs.
okay, now, let's use this theory to look at our own behavior. ever wanted something to eat, stood in front of a full pantry, and still found no satisfaction? we must understand that there is a very big difference between foodcraving and hunger. very few americans ever experience real hunger. foodcraving is a very different feeling - it is feeding the monkey, the addiction, and has nothing to do with whether or not your body needs nourishment. likewise, it seems that the sex-based process is expressed in modern society through pornography. it may very well be that males and females relate to sex differently, and that it is mostly males that become addicted to porn.
this theory also puts a different spin on the idea of drug addiction. for one, we can divide drugs into those that work on dopamine: ethanol, nicotine, cocaine, amphetamines, ghb, opiates, etc, and those that don't: THC, caffeine, LSD, tryptamines, etc. Those that don't work on dopamine are either nonaddictive, or addictive in a wholly different manner. And when it comes to dopamine drugs, there is only one addiction: the addiction to dopamine. how you go about adjusting your dopamine balance is largely irrelevant. the truth of this is demonstrated by the phenomenon of addiction transference. quit drinking, and take up smoking. quit smoking and take up junk food. go to a narcotics anon meeting, and the room will be dense with cigarette smoke and self-delusion. to be free of a dopamine addiction, you must give it all up: the drugs, the foods and (if applicable) the pornsex.
now for some deep theory. in buddhist philosophy, souls return again and again to this world because they are addicted to sensation. the evidence of our senses, watching a sunrise or smelling a flower, provides a spark of pleasure. this pleasure soon fades and leaves an emptiness that can only be filled by more and more intense sensation. joy, which comes from spirituality and is defined as an absence of suffering, is entirely different from pleasure in that it is not ephemeral or transient. in order to attain enlightenment, a being must give up its addiction to pleasure and seek out spiritual joy.
so, we now see that dealing with a dopamine/drug addiction is spiritual practice for the bigger task of dealing with an addiction to sensual reality. as is the creed of AA, addiction is a spiritual disease that requires a spiritual cure. furthermore, becoming an addict and recovering is the perfect kind of suffering: that which leads to personal growth. in buddhism, the purpose of suffering is to make growth possible. pain is the only real teacher. we can infer that there is a higher purpose in the evolution of the addictive mechanism - because we have the capability of being addicted to drugs or dopamine, we also have the capacity to break the overall addiction to reality.
on to dopamine again. pleasure/dopamine rush is the carrot, but where is the stick? it seems that when the brain notices an abrupt shift in dopamine levels, it produces an enzyme which breaks down MAO, another enzyme that breaks down neurochemicals. this is logical: you are used to high amounts of dopamine and suddenly you aren't getting it anymore. to conserve, the brain stops breaking down existing dopamine, making it seem to go further. unfortunately, this places hell with neurochemistry in general, and the experience is subjectively very unpleasant. the full implication is that being in a state of addictive withdrawal is equivalent to taking a MAO-Inhibitor, and any drug that you take while in withdrawal will seem much more powerful. the MAO-I effect of withdrawal has been experimental verified, though it has never been linked to an overall metatheory of addiction.
anyway, that's how dopamine killed the dinosaurs, and why dopamine is going to kill the usgov. oh, yeah, and why buddhism is the best religion ;-) your mileage may vary.
thebeave
Veteran Member
When you say you are a weirdness magnet, I assume you mean that you're like a North Pole and everyone else is also a North Pole?
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 13
son of a preacher man
i am confessing here, so that includes bad shit i did. this is about the man i loved more that anyone, and how i fucked it up. i met jay at the local gay bar, sitting and drinking alone, odd cause he's fucking beautiful - pale skin, black hair and puppy eyes. so i order a drink (i hate drinking, but you pretty much have to drink to tolerate drunk people) and talk to him. the man is getting plastered with determination. i suggest we go back to my place and get stoned, we go and do so - he has a bottle of vodka with him. he drinks and sucks my dick until he passes out, when i wake up, he's gone. that, for most men, counts as a very successful night, so i'm good, but i liked and would have rather he stayed. so, next friday night, about 9pm, my doorbell rings, and there's the sumbitch with a fifth of tequila (my drink) and a fifth of vodka and a shit eating grin, and i'm all, hmmm, early xmas, come on in mf. we talk more - both at the university working. he was the high school quarterback and king of the prom and at that point, i know i'm gonna fuck him, cause, hell yeah. but the night goes as the last one, even the morning with him running out the door, but i'm cool with it. and the next week - but i have tooth shit done earlier that day, and i'm on narcotics. hydrocodone makes me hyper and irritable and horny as a mf. jay arrives, no appointment needed. we sit down and smoke and i tell him, if you're gonna spend the night here, it's in my bed and i'm gonna fuck you. he says, i kid you not, no, you wouldn't do that, i thought we were friends and turns up the vodka bottle and chugs. i'm mf nonplussed. i start again, if you get drunk here tonight, i'm going to fuck you in the ass. reply: why you saying that? i just wanna hang out....and drinks from the bottle again. alright, it's on. he gets sloppy and starts eyeing my dick and i get some head, then i pick him up and guide him into my room and literally fuck the cum out of him, every way possible, including spread against the wall and with his hands pinned behind him. he LOVES it. fine. when we're done, we lay down and i snuggle him - and the mf says, thank you, that's what i needed, don't ever leave me. oh, FUCK ME. my heart melts like butter on a skillet - i mean i had a moment like the grinch in the movie. the next morning, he remembers, but all he does is say next week, thanks, man, and leave.
wtf am i suppossed to do? he'd never been fucked and i flat out raped him. and the mf liked it - and now i'm utterly, hopeless in love with him, which serves me right, doing something like that, but it ain't like i didn't warn the mf. so it goes on. now sometimes he calls me and stops by after work to blow me, and he is in heaven doing it. but if we meet for lunch, i have to act totally straight, like we're just buds, while my nuts are just singing to bend him over the table in front of god and everybody. if i mess up, no joy for me. the mf *rules* me six days out of seven, then he gets his for fucking with me. it's so smokin hot i don't know how to live with it. we're waiting in line for the bar one night and he starts in on me, which i love, and i say, but baby (gay club, okay to be out) i love you, and he responds, you don't love me, you don't know nothin about love, you just use me, you fuck me like dawg (cause he's real country, too). i tell him, but baby, i fuck you like a dawg cause i love you. shut him up.
one day, about a month in, i see him at kroger with this five foot tall south asian woman buying grocers and i don't think shit about, cause this is a college town. i go and talk to him, just whats up, cause we're in public, and mf introduces me to his WIFE. oh, man. at the time, i had more morals that i do now, and that shit bothered me. this went on for *years* and i love him like the spring loves the sun, but the wife shit was eating me up. he stayed with me while i was locked up for a month, local, cause me being a criminal got him hot. then, one day his wife reads his bills, including the credit card with hotel rooms and his phone bill and *calls me*. she asks me, in that malaysian muslim accent, if i'm fucking her husband. and i cracked and said yes. she hung up, and it's like jay vanished off the face of the earth. i didn't go to his apartment for over a month, out of shame, and they were gone. she may have killed him. that was ten years ago, and i still love that man, but it's like he doesn't exist - or more like is as computer crafty as i remember and doesn't want me to find him. i snitched on the man i loved and lost him, but i won't fuckin do it again. karma, dammit.
son of a preacher man
i am confessing here, so that includes bad shit i did. this is about the man i loved more that anyone, and how i fucked it up. i met jay at the local gay bar, sitting and drinking alone, odd cause he's fucking beautiful - pale skin, black hair and puppy eyes. so i order a drink (i hate drinking, but you pretty much have to drink to tolerate drunk people) and talk to him. the man is getting plastered with determination. i suggest we go back to my place and get stoned, we go and do so - he has a bottle of vodka with him. he drinks and sucks my dick until he passes out, when i wake up, he's gone. that, for most men, counts as a very successful night, so i'm good, but i liked and would have rather he stayed. so, next friday night, about 9pm, my doorbell rings, and there's the sumbitch with a fifth of tequila (my drink) and a fifth of vodka and a shit eating grin, and i'm all, hmmm, early xmas, come on in mf. we talk more - both at the university working. he was the high school quarterback and king of the prom and at that point, i know i'm gonna fuck him, cause, hell yeah. but the night goes as the last one, even the morning with him running out the door, but i'm cool with it. and the next week - but i have tooth shit done earlier that day, and i'm on narcotics. hydrocodone makes me hyper and irritable and horny as a mf. jay arrives, no appointment needed. we sit down and smoke and i tell him, if you're gonna spend the night here, it's in my bed and i'm gonna fuck you. he says, i kid you not, no, you wouldn't do that, i thought we were friends and turns up the vodka bottle and chugs. i'm mf nonplussed. i start again, if you get drunk here tonight, i'm going to fuck you in the ass. reply: why you saying that? i just wanna hang out....and drinks from the bottle again. alright, it's on. he gets sloppy and starts eyeing my dick and i get some head, then i pick him up and guide him into my room and literally fuck the cum out of him, every way possible, including spread against the wall and with his hands pinned behind him. he LOVES it. fine. when we're done, we lay down and i snuggle him - and the mf says, thank you, that's what i needed, don't ever leave me. oh, FUCK ME. my heart melts like butter on a skillet - i mean i had a moment like the grinch in the movie. the next morning, he remembers, but all he does is say next week, thanks, man, and leave.
wtf am i suppossed to do? he'd never been fucked and i flat out raped him. and the mf liked it - and now i'm utterly, hopeless in love with him, which serves me right, doing something like that, but it ain't like i didn't warn the mf. so it goes on. now sometimes he calls me and stops by after work to blow me, and he is in heaven doing it. but if we meet for lunch, i have to act totally straight, like we're just buds, while my nuts are just singing to bend him over the table in front of god and everybody. if i mess up, no joy for me. the mf *rules* me six days out of seven, then he gets his for fucking with me. it's so smokin hot i don't know how to live with it. we're waiting in line for the bar one night and he starts in on me, which i love, and i say, but baby (gay club, okay to be out) i love you, and he responds, you don't love me, you don't know nothin about love, you just use me, you fuck me like dawg (cause he's real country, too). i tell him, but baby, i fuck you like a dawg cause i love you. shut him up.
one day, about a month in, i see him at kroger with this five foot tall south asian woman buying grocers and i don't think shit about, cause this is a college town. i go and talk to him, just whats up, cause we're in public, and mf introduces me to his WIFE. oh, man. at the time, i had more morals that i do now, and that shit bothered me. this went on for *years* and i love him like the spring loves the sun, but the wife shit was eating me up. he stayed with me while i was locked up for a month, local, cause me being a criminal got him hot. then, one day his wife reads his bills, including the credit card with hotel rooms and his phone bill and *calls me*. she asks me, in that malaysian muslim accent, if i'm fucking her husband. and i cracked and said yes. she hung up, and it's like jay vanished off the face of the earth. i didn't go to his apartment for over a month, out of shame, and they were gone. she may have killed him. that was ten years ago, and i still love that man, but it's like he doesn't exist - or more like is as computer crafty as i remember and doesn't want me to find him. i snitched on the man i loved and lost him, but i won't fuckin do it again. karma, dammit.
Last edited:
tantric
Member
i need some input, y'all - go on or stop. the next bit would be really heavy. is this worthwhile? BTW, guy who said i'm channelling Burroughs, about to go give you a point. made my fucking day.
I don't see any reason to stop unless you want to.
tantric
Member
okay, i started this on my roleplaying forum, under a thread called 'real life weirdness' and got a 30 day ban (not pg13). i want to continue, but i do kinda want to be read. or some snappy comments? i may move to bluelight or somewhere. but i do like it here....
It doesn't appear that you're bothering anyone or breaking rules, and you can see from the comments here that there's at least a few people reading. If you want specific feedback, that might be harder to tease out of us. Keep in mind that this is a board made up of mainly cats. We like watching, but you haven't yet done anything to make us to move out of our nappy spots and get actively engaged.
tantric
Member
well, then, let's get real
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 16
go directly to jail
i lost my shit in grad school when my ferret, Ahimsa Dharma, got cancer. i got into grad school on a lark - i took the gre, didn't like my results and decided to kick its ass. i did, i got a scholarship for $1200 a month for two years, even though i was not technically qualified for it for residence reasons (you have to be outside the college for undergrad). fuck yeah - when i was a kid, my favorite book was the Amateur Naturalist - it has a section at the end about growing slime and mounting mouse skeletons and hell, i'm the 'i like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with sticks' guy. but as an undergrad, i took bio one, which was all biochem and hated it and majored in something random and easy (my mom had just died). yes, dipshits, japanese is an easy BA. then i got a job, ten years later, building a database for a lab in the ecology dept. talk about coming fuckin home. there are living vivariums in the lobby. i build killer vivariums and aquariums, more fun to watch than the nature channel. so instead of building a dippy database and putting it online, i grok it and make it *much* more than what they're paying me, and get into the lab meeting and presentations and shit. so i take some classes - the interesting undergrad science end math stuff. turns out i can rock the hell out of calculus. i always hated math, but calculus is art. stats, on the other paw, can suck my dick. yeah, i learned it. R and the idiot SAS shit. then gre and boom, i'm a grad student. uh, little unprepared.
so, my childhood dream came true. no shit. it was off the fuckin chain cool. i did it for two years until ahimsa got cancer and then i got shingles. okay, i loved my ferret like a child,and she was highly socialized. but ferrets die, and badly, around 5 years. i got her while there was some doubt as to whether i had lung cancer or something else, and it turned out to be something else, so i knew she was going to die and just loved her more. i paid twice my monthly income, saved by eating beans, rice and at a soup kitchin, to have her surgery, but after they tested the tumors, said they were malignant and she wouldn't live six more months. yeah, that was bad.
then, at the very end of the semester, i got shingles and had to stay home for two weeks (with ahimsa). no one called me or visited or wrote at all. of all the people i interact with at work, no one actually cared - i was sick two weeks. i had lived my life with joy and vision, and got my dream, but there was no one to share it with. i was about to have to start trying to make my science 'sexy' and sell it for grants, which is an ass stupid way to run your society's basic research, btw, and really hated that. so i took a semester off (forever), went and bought a shitload of morphine and decided i'd be a writer. right. it worked - i can write fiction on opiates, good stuff that impresses me when i read it sober. weird and filled with typos, but okay.
but, of course, that didn't last. i ran out of money before expected and had to couch surf then move in with my father and sister. i was hurt, sick with dispair and about to loose my only friend, and i needed a place to heal. they treated me like some diseased cur that had crawled up on their porch. they wouldn't let Ahimsa stay with me - she had to be in a cage, 50m from me, outside - she'd never been in a cage before except when she was being punished, now my baby thought she was being punished for being sick. every time i went to see her, my family made me strip to my underwear outside so the smell of 'that filthy rat' wouldn't get in the house. didn't matter, cause Ahimsa couldn't pee anymore, meaning she was dying, but i was penniless, and no way on earth my dad would pay to have her taken to a vet to be put down. on my farm, if you best dog gets down, you shoot him. so i did it myself. i gave her a shot of lots of ativan and narcotics til she was still. then i took all the rest of the pills, injected two whole vials of insulin and went looking for a rifle. see, in the afterlife, buddhist go through a tunnel, the bardo, and ferrets LOVE tunnels, so i knew she'd be there. i went to the porch with the rifle, and nodded out from insulin shock. i woke, tried to put the barrel of the .22 under my chin and pull the trigger and failed - it shot a hole in the porch ceiling. i looked up and saw a man standing there, so i handed him the rifle and asked him to reload it for me. two other cops tazed me, i woke up the hospital, then straight to jail, four counts of felony assault on a police officer.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 16
go directly to jail
i lost my shit in grad school when my ferret, Ahimsa Dharma, got cancer. i got into grad school on a lark - i took the gre, didn't like my results and decided to kick its ass. i did, i got a scholarship for $1200 a month for two years, even though i was not technically qualified for it for residence reasons (you have to be outside the college for undergrad). fuck yeah - when i was a kid, my favorite book was the Amateur Naturalist - it has a section at the end about growing slime and mounting mouse skeletons and hell, i'm the 'i like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with sticks' guy. but as an undergrad, i took bio one, which was all biochem and hated it and majored in something random and easy (my mom had just died). yes, dipshits, japanese is an easy BA. then i got a job, ten years later, building a database for a lab in the ecology dept. talk about coming fuckin home. there are living vivariums in the lobby. i build killer vivariums and aquariums, more fun to watch than the nature channel. so instead of building a dippy database and putting it online, i grok it and make it *much* more than what they're paying me, and get into the lab meeting and presentations and shit. so i take some classes - the interesting undergrad science end math stuff. turns out i can rock the hell out of calculus. i always hated math, but calculus is art. stats, on the other paw, can suck my dick. yeah, i learned it. R and the idiot SAS shit. then gre and boom, i'm a grad student. uh, little unprepared.
so, my childhood dream came true. no shit. it was off the fuckin chain cool. i did it for two years until ahimsa got cancer and then i got shingles. okay, i loved my ferret like a child,and she was highly socialized. but ferrets die, and badly, around 5 years. i got her while there was some doubt as to whether i had lung cancer or something else, and it turned out to be something else, so i knew she was going to die and just loved her more. i paid twice my monthly income, saved by eating beans, rice and at a soup kitchin, to have her surgery, but after they tested the tumors, said they were malignant and she wouldn't live six more months. yeah, that was bad.
then, at the very end of the semester, i got shingles and had to stay home for two weeks (with ahimsa). no one called me or visited or wrote at all. of all the people i interact with at work, no one actually cared - i was sick two weeks. i had lived my life with joy and vision, and got my dream, but there was no one to share it with. i was about to have to start trying to make my science 'sexy' and sell it for grants, which is an ass stupid way to run your society's basic research, btw, and really hated that. so i took a semester off (forever), went and bought a shitload of morphine and decided i'd be a writer. right. it worked - i can write fiction on opiates, good stuff that impresses me when i read it sober. weird and filled with typos, but okay.
but, of course, that didn't last. i ran out of money before expected and had to couch surf then move in with my father and sister. i was hurt, sick with dispair and about to loose my only friend, and i needed a place to heal. they treated me like some diseased cur that had crawled up on their porch. they wouldn't let Ahimsa stay with me - she had to be in a cage, 50m from me, outside - she'd never been in a cage before except when she was being punished, now my baby thought she was being punished for being sick. every time i went to see her, my family made me strip to my underwear outside so the smell of 'that filthy rat' wouldn't get in the house. didn't matter, cause Ahimsa couldn't pee anymore, meaning she was dying, but i was penniless, and no way on earth my dad would pay to have her taken to a vet to be put down. on my farm, if you best dog gets down, you shoot him. so i did it myself. i gave her a shot of lots of ativan and narcotics til she was still. then i took all the rest of the pills, injected two whole vials of insulin and went looking for a rifle. see, in the afterlife, buddhist go through a tunnel, the bardo, and ferrets LOVE tunnels, so i knew she'd be there. i went to the porch with the rifle, and nodded out from insulin shock. i woke, tried to put the barrel of the .22 under my chin and pull the trigger and failed - it shot a hole in the porch ceiling. i looked up and saw a man standing there, so i handed him the rifle and asked him to reload it for me. two other cops tazed me, i woke up the hospital, then straight to jail, four counts of felony assault on a police officer.
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 17
pig games
i'm on probation and like most such folks, i'm required to pay off my court fees, which amounted to about 2.5K. there are two ways to pay - electronically, which costs a $10 fee and mailing in a money order to a PO box. when you mail it in, you get no receipt of any acknowledgement. my dad insisted i use his back account and get money orders from there, which i did, sending them $200/month til it was done. no reply to that either - i assume if i miss a payment, cops will come and tell me. all good until i get a letter telling me that i haven't paid and that i must pay in full by the end of the week or be arrested, appoint to talk to probabtion officer included. so, mf. i got my carbons (which only prove i sent the money off, not that it got there) and go to the bank. it takes HOURS but they finally give me a statement of all my MO's being cashed. bitches. i call the PO and tell him, he says, you got the wrong letter, i just need you to come in and sign something. hmmmm. so i go to the group meeting. every guy there got the same letter, only they used gas-n-go MO's and can't prove shit. right, so they pay again or go to jail. i stuck with the group when the PO comes out and starts explaining how fucked we are ... but i hold up my phone on record. he stops and says, what are you doing? i reply, recording, i don't want to forget anything important. he responds, aren't you the guy i already talked to? this doesn't apply to you, go in and wait. i left. it's not like the other niggas didn't have cells, and if i stick my neck out any further, they'll chop it off.
pig games
i'm on probation and like most such folks, i'm required to pay off my court fees, which amounted to about 2.5K. there are two ways to pay - electronically, which costs a $10 fee and mailing in a money order to a PO box. when you mail it in, you get no receipt of any acknowledgement. my dad insisted i use his back account and get money orders from there, which i did, sending them $200/month til it was done. no reply to that either - i assume if i miss a payment, cops will come and tell me. all good until i get a letter telling me that i haven't paid and that i must pay in full by the end of the week or be arrested, appoint to talk to probabtion officer included. so, mf. i got my carbons (which only prove i sent the money off, not that it got there) and go to the bank. it takes HOURS but they finally give me a statement of all my MO's being cashed. bitches. i call the PO and tell him, he says, you got the wrong letter, i just need you to come in and sign something. hmmmm. so i go to the group meeting. every guy there got the same letter, only they used gas-n-go MO's and can't prove shit. right, so they pay again or go to jail. i stuck with the group when the PO comes out and starts explaining how fucked we are ... but i hold up my phone on record. he stops and says, what are you doing? i reply, recording, i don't want to forget anything important. he responds, aren't you the guy i already talked to? this doesn't apply to you, go in and wait. i left. it's not like the other niggas didn't have cells, and if i stick my neck out any further, they'll chop it off.
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 18
pay attention
that's the first Noble Truth - the nature of the human condition is suffering. as we know, suffering comes from attachment, which is the second. we spend our lives running from goal to goal, new cars, money, whatever, and each one is just another fix, after we're empty and only care about the next. but you can be attached to ideas, too - like 'who i am' and 'my homeland' and such. but everything is in change, so it never works. the third Noble Truth - there is a cure for this kind of suffering, which is the magic bit, then the fourth: live a simple, good life, with a focused mind, and your life will be joy instead of suffering (the Eight-Fold Path).
i love my brother christians, muslims and jews, but god doesn't save you from addiction - he just dangles the bait and that's not freedom. this stuff, the above, is the fundamental core of buddhism. it's what the buddha found - that you don't need gods or spirits to live a blissful life, it's living like a monk that makes you happy. duh? pretty scientific.
pay attention
Phungushead said:
that's the first Noble Truth - the nature of the human condition is suffering. as we know, suffering comes from attachment, which is the second. we spend our lives running from goal to goal, new cars, money, whatever, and each one is just another fix, after we're empty and only care about the next. but you can be attached to ideas, too - like 'who i am' and 'my homeland' and such. but everything is in change, so it never works. the third Noble Truth - there is a cure for this kind of suffering, which is the magic bit, then the fourth: live a simple, good life, with a focused mind, and your life will be joy instead of suffering (the Eight-Fold Path).
i love my brother christians, muslims and jews, but god doesn't save you from addiction - he just dangles the bait and that's not freedom. this stuff, the above, is the fundamental core of buddhism. it's what the buddha found - that you don't need gods or spirits to live a blissful life, it's living like a monk that makes you happy. duh? pretty scientific.
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 19
re: the maitreya buddha
the next buddha will have skin the color of dirt, six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. oh, yeah, and a freakin' righteous 'fro. and sunglasses - 'cause you gotta wear your sunglasses, so you can feel cool.
after he encounters nirvana, he will be tested. the MAN, lord of addiction and greed, will rise up before him and offer him all the moneys of the world. the buddha will look up and say "they are but dirt and ashes to my eyes, " and the money will burn and the gold will rust into dirt.
then the MAN will threaten with all the armies of the oppressors. guns will be aimed, missiles will be armed, bombs will lock on target. the MAN will push his button and the weapons of hell will fly. then the buddha will look upon them and smile, and they will turn to flower petals and tabs of LSD and rain down upon the peoples.
at last, the MAN, knowing he has lost, will challenge "you are alone, who will know your accomplishment?" and the buddha will look towards the camera and smile, "the world is my witness".
i keep telling people this, and they just laugh - "wow, what an imagination", as if i'm kidding.
re: the maitreya buddha
the next buddha will have skin the color of dirt, six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. oh, yeah, and a freakin' righteous 'fro. and sunglasses - 'cause you gotta wear your sunglasses, so you can feel cool.
after he encounters nirvana, he will be tested. the MAN, lord of addiction and greed, will rise up before him and offer him all the moneys of the world. the buddha will look up and say "they are but dirt and ashes to my eyes, " and the money will burn and the gold will rust into dirt.
then the MAN will threaten with all the armies of the oppressors. guns will be aimed, missiles will be armed, bombs will lock on target. the MAN will push his button and the weapons of hell will fly. then the buddha will look upon them and smile, and they will turn to flower petals and tabs of LSD and rain down upon the peoples.
at last, the MAN, knowing he has lost, will challenge "you are alone, who will know your accomplishment?" and the buddha will look towards the camera and smile, "the world is my witness".
i keep telling people this, and they just laugh - "wow, what an imagination", as if i'm kidding.
NobleSavage
Veteran Member
Dude, what the fuck are you on? My first though is I gotta try some of that shit. Second though, nooooooo it might be permanent or something.
tantric
Member
look, y'all, read the DXM FAQ by will white, AKA maxtussin. it's NOT illegal, nor is it permanent. quit the diet, the pure vegan low fat/low protein deal, and you go back to being addicted to life, and suffering or at least disatisfaction. you don't have to keep taking it after you kick the suffering habit, but it helps in rough patches. don't follow buddhism, or something like it, and wander into nuttiness or fall off the wagon.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 20
america
i'm not sure if i can vote. in my state, felons whose crimes involve 'moral turpitude' are not allowed to vote, and i don't know how 'assaulting a peace officer' qualifies. they are our national heroes, after all. i have this idea that, as an american, citizen or not, i have this extraconstitutional right to punch a guy in his shit when he tells me i can't vote. isn't that who we are? i can just see it, and i'm not falling for it. after i sat in jail for a year and half, being denied bail on bullshit charges, until i agreed to admit to being a felon and go home or rot until they let me have a trial? i have anger issues that come close to ptsd. to paraphrase blackalicious, 'i pledge alligiance to the heart and mind of america, and to the republic, kiss my ass. i use my mind before my fist, but don't push it, wake up, refuse and resist.'
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 20
america
i'm not sure if i can vote. in my state, felons whose crimes involve 'moral turpitude' are not allowed to vote, and i don't know how 'assaulting a peace officer' qualifies. they are our national heroes, after all. i have this idea that, as an american, citizen or not, i have this extraconstitutional right to punch a guy in his shit when he tells me i can't vote. isn't that who we are? i can just see it, and i'm not falling for it. after i sat in jail for a year and half, being denied bail on bullshit charges, until i agreed to admit to being a felon and go home or rot until they let me have a trial? i have anger issues that come close to ptsd. to paraphrase blackalicious, 'i pledge alligiance to the heart and mind of america, and to the republic, kiss my ass. i use my mind before my fist, but don't push it, wake up, refuse and resist.'
NobleSavage
Veteran Member
Robitussin. *Yawn* I was hoping for something exotic.
tantric
Member
you're not paying attention - this is not a drug you take, it's a process you live. let me be clear:
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 21
the neurochemical vehicle
addiction is the normal state of life - it is the root of suffering. if you are wondering, you're probably are an addict, even if its just to your massively unhealthy diet. or greed or ideals. DXM, dextromethrophan, AKA robotussin, is an OTC drug that inhibits addictions, like all other NMDA antagonists: ketamine and ibogaine in particular. you have to take it as you are withdrawing - 24 hours of rice, fruit juice and patience. by then you'll be craving at least. take about 150mg of DXM. it's good to have a trip sitter, but make sure you have alone space to go to. hear that? your gods are coming, and they want to have a serious talk with you. the combination of acute withdrawal and DXM results in a profound religious experience, which can be disorienting, to say the least, but it also CURES YOUR FUCKING ADDICTION. all of them. period. you don't have to keep taking the drug after that, you probably shouldn't. but you must eat low fat/low protein foods, peasant foods, like beans and rice, plantains, sweet potatoes, etc. this isn't hard, as you can taste food again, and it's *FANTASTIC*. you feel great, all the time. if you don't have a philosophy to attach to this experience, like the one i'm offering, it can be very strange and you might even act a bit nutty. YMMV.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 21
the neurochemical vehicle
addiction is the normal state of life - it is the root of suffering. if you are wondering, you're probably are an addict, even if its just to your massively unhealthy diet. or greed or ideals. DXM, dextromethrophan, AKA robotussin, is an OTC drug that inhibits addictions, like all other NMDA antagonists: ketamine and ibogaine in particular. you have to take it as you are withdrawing - 24 hours of rice, fruit juice and patience. by then you'll be craving at least. take about 150mg of DXM. it's good to have a trip sitter, but make sure you have alone space to go to. hear that? your gods are coming, and they want to have a serious talk with you. the combination of acute withdrawal and DXM results in a profound religious experience, which can be disorienting, to say the least, but it also CURES YOUR FUCKING ADDICTION. all of them. period. you don't have to keep taking the drug after that, you probably shouldn't. but you must eat low fat/low protein foods, peasant foods, like beans and rice, plantains, sweet potatoes, etc. this isn't hard, as you can taste food again, and it's *FANTASTIC*. you feel great, all the time. if you don't have a philosophy to attach to this experience, like the one i'm offering, it can be very strange and you might even act a bit nutty. YMMV.
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 22
nacho chips, nacho messiah, neither
i was offered the messiah position, by coincidence control central, in the mid 90s. i gave it a spin and said, thanks, no. i did, however, manage to nick some stuff while we were touring the office. i saw god's final message to his creation, not as douglas adams would have it, bless him, but the real thing: GROW UP OR DIE. as in clean up your messes, or drown in your own shit - that's the message they wanted me to deliver. these guys nail people to posts for telling them to be nice to each other. so, no, not your messiah. the neurochemical vehicle is meant to be one of the flowers of scientific buddhism, hopefully. it works - until i started this, three weeks ago, i used meth and/or opiates every day for two years. got tired of it and quit, but i didn't know the orange DXM HBr is twice as concentrated as the vomit cherry DXM HBr and went a bit far into tussin space. if you do enough to go into a k-hole, or equivalent, you might see the giant pulsating brain at the center of the ultraverse, with all these jellyfish butterfly angels singing and dancing and damn, it's got a *beat* - that's the map of where you need to go, not the place. you know that - if you were really there, you'd be an angel, not watching them. but that is NOT advised for begginers. but today, i got stung by a bumblebee, because although i am mf jedi and can catch them, i need glasses. i let the bee go, of course, her right to sting me. it hurt, then it REALLY hurt, so i took a pain pill from my left overs. yeah, i have left over narcotics and don't use them. i sucked on it for a minute (the pill) and the pain vanished entirely, then i felt kinda thick in the head. i won't take any more, or binge. i'm *cured* of the addiction, not prolonging it, that shit has no hold on me.
nacho chips, nacho messiah, neither
i was offered the messiah position, by coincidence control central, in the mid 90s. i gave it a spin and said, thanks, no. i did, however, manage to nick some stuff while we were touring the office. i saw god's final message to his creation, not as douglas adams would have it, bless him, but the real thing: GROW UP OR DIE. as in clean up your messes, or drown in your own shit - that's the message they wanted me to deliver. these guys nail people to posts for telling them to be nice to each other. so, no, not your messiah. the neurochemical vehicle is meant to be one of the flowers of scientific buddhism, hopefully. it works - until i started this, three weeks ago, i used meth and/or opiates every day for two years. got tired of it and quit, but i didn't know the orange DXM HBr is twice as concentrated as the vomit cherry DXM HBr and went a bit far into tussin space. if you do enough to go into a k-hole, or equivalent, you might see the giant pulsating brain at the center of the ultraverse, with all these jellyfish butterfly angels singing and dancing and damn, it's got a *beat* - that's the map of where you need to go, not the place. you know that - if you were really there, you'd be an angel, not watching them. but that is NOT advised for begginers. but today, i got stung by a bumblebee, because although i am mf jedi and can catch them, i need glasses. i let the bee go, of course, her right to sting me. it hurt, then it REALLY hurt, so i took a pain pill from my left overs. yeah, i have left over narcotics and don't use them. i sucked on it for a minute (the pill) and the pain vanished entirely, then i felt kinda thick in the head. i won't take any more, or binge. i'm *cured* of the addiction, not prolonging it, that shit has no hold on me.
tantric
Member
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 23
scavenger is the highest state
i done told y'all, we are rats in the walls of the houses of men. in a world where the dominant species is converting resources to gargabe at an exponential rate, scavenger is the winning strategy. recycle, reuse, reanimate. create as little waste as possible - waste is inefficiency, just like heat. reuse everything you can. at the end of the day, if you need something, really need it, and some fat addict corporate person (corporations are NOT people and should not be treated as such in any way) has it, take their shit. you are a RAT. run when you can, but when you're cornered, fight like a cornered rat, dammit. show those mf what happens when you push a gd jedi to violence. love your children, and never, ever lie to them.
this is a bit of math, bit of a thought experiment, called the hawk dove game. there is an island, bird island, where there are only two types of beings, hawks and doves, and only one food, a giant root that it takes two men to harvest. doves always share the root, hawks always fight, winner take all, and hawks just steal from doves. in this simple set up, depending on how violent the hawk's combat is, there will still be doves, but not many. so, new people come - crows, who share with doves and fight with hawks, and jays, who steal from doves and run from everyone else. it stabilizes again, with more doves, but the jays suck. at this point, in order to maintain the altruistic system of doves/crows, the ability of the individual to recognize who he is dealing with becomes critical. if you know whether you can trust a person before you invest resources with them, the system flourishes. intelligence maintains it. but the jays still suck - all the people on the island are smart, and some jays can trick you. thus, spite - crows have to pursue and attack jays even when its to their individual detriment, to support the system that support their children.
conflicted? cognitive dissonance is like a fine wine to a developed mind. you're welcome, figure it out.
scavenger is the highest state
i done told y'all, we are rats in the walls of the houses of men. in a world where the dominant species is converting resources to gargabe at an exponential rate, scavenger is the winning strategy. recycle, reuse, reanimate. create as little waste as possible - waste is inefficiency, just like heat. reuse everything you can. at the end of the day, if you need something, really need it, and some fat addict corporate person (corporations are NOT people and should not be treated as such in any way) has it, take their shit. you are a RAT. run when you can, but when you're cornered, fight like a cornered rat, dammit. show those mf what happens when you push a gd jedi to violence. love your children, and never, ever lie to them.
this is a bit of math, bit of a thought experiment, called the hawk dove game. there is an island, bird island, where there are only two types of beings, hawks and doves, and only one food, a giant root that it takes two men to harvest. doves always share the root, hawks always fight, winner take all, and hawks just steal from doves. in this simple set up, depending on how violent the hawk's combat is, there will still be doves, but not many. so, new people come - crows, who share with doves and fight with hawks, and jays, who steal from doves and run from everyone else. it stabilizes again, with more doves, but the jays suck. at this point, in order to maintain the altruistic system of doves/crows, the ability of the individual to recognize who he is dealing with becomes critical. if you know whether you can trust a person before you invest resources with them, the system flourishes. intelligence maintains it. but the jays still suck - all the people on the island are smart, and some jays can trick you. thus, spite - crows have to pursue and attack jays even when its to their individual detriment, to support the system that support their children.
conflicted? cognitive dissonance is like a fine wine to a developed mind. you're welcome, figure it out.