Having Friends

[laughing dog]

Can dogs count as friends?

 

[rousseau]

My most long term friend, and one of my closest friends I’ve known since 2nd grade. Our friendship has had holes in it—times when our paths diverged and re-converged after many years. My other very close friend has been my friend since she moved to my town when we were 13. Part of the closeness is the longevity: we know where the bodies are buried, so to speak or less colorfully, we know each other’s early traumas, histories, family structures and all of the major events of our lives. Either of them would be there—have been there for me in a heartbeat, and I have tried to do the same for them. My oldest son describes friendships of different levels: the ones you meet out for drinks, the ones who will help you move house, the ones you hang with watching/playing a game or listening to music—and the ones you bury bodies for. Those two friends?

I have three of those, we all grew up on the same street. One of them, my earliest male friendship goes back so far that I don't know when it actually started. At one point we were playing with each other as young kids, then we turned our heads and were immature adolescents, then teenagers, then getting drunk together during our college years. I still remember his childhood phone number.

He dropped out of college, became a drug dealer, and now lives on the east coast where he manages a restaurant and runs a DJ business. We couldn't be more different now, but he's quite literally the only male I still speak with from my youth. There are a few others that are almost as close, but not quite, so we've lost touch.

The other two were girls, one of them I lost touch with because she's busy with kids, the other is a lesbian living in London, UK who still makes a point to speak with me occasionally.

These days I've pretty much moved on from my past and am making more of an effort to build a new community where I currently live. Almost all of the people we actually see live in this area, and are either people I met in college, or who my wife met through work.

 

[Gospel]

I presume that having no friends is healthier than having bad friends? currently I'm without any close friends, as the only two individuals I truly considered friends have passed away, and others I've met have been acquaintances, never forming deeper connections. My wife doesn't count because we're more than just friends.

Edit: I do call and treat my acquaintances like friends though.

What, in your mind, differentiates between friends and acquaintances?

I check on them and they never check on me.

Edit for clarification: Friends check on me.

 

[southernhybrid]

I could be wrong, but it often seems to me that men have a harder time making close friendships compared to most women. My husband is still close friends with a friend that he's known since he was two years old. His friend lives in Florida, but I always know when Sonny calls because they are on the phone for at least an hour and I can hear him laughing. Sonny sends us a huge box of Arabic pastries every holiday season, since he and my husband are both dependents of grandparents who came to the states from Lebanon or Syria. Otherwise, we both have the same friends for the most part. We can't eat all of them, so I bring them to the senior center to share. Mr. Sohy even went to the Black church with me because he also loves my dear friend who asked us to come and celebrate her parent's 60th wedding anniversary. I've already discussed that in the lounge.

I've never kept any friends from childhood, although oddly enough, once when visiting New Jersey, I started a conversation with a man who was sitting next to us and discovered that he was the older brother of a boy who was my closest childhood friend. I was only 2 or 3, and being free range children, we wondered the neighborhood, as long as we didn't cross the street, as that was forbidden by our parents. That was an unexpected meeting and a lot of fun.

And, I think of many of you as friends too. We might just be cyber friends, but I still feel as if I know you all and care about you, just like I do any friend who I know in real life.

 

[rousseau]

I could be wrong, but it often seems to me that men have a harder time making close friendships compared to most women.

My experience has been that the men I know are less emotionally available than women, and less interested in conversation for the sake of conversation. This is true in my workplace, my family, and among my college friends. I don't think it's universal among men, but it's likely true that women are more social than us, on average.

Women also mature faster, I don't think a lot of men really open up emotionally until their forties or fifties, or when they become a parent.

 

[Gospel]

I don't think a lot of men really open up emotionally until their forties or fifties, or when they become a parent.

Or when life starts getting really really bad for them.

 

[James Brown]

Three Things No One Ever Told You About Making Friends in Adulthood

 

[southernhybrid]

Three Things No One Ever Told You About Making Friends in Adulthood

That's a pretty good article and I have to say that I agree on its main points. I'm sort of the host type although right now, our little atheist group h as two other host types. Our delightful gay ladies have opened their home to the group a couple of times, and another woman has had several parties at her family's home. This Sunday, Mr. Sohy and I are again playing hosts to a little gathering of the cats, probably between 6 and 8 will show up. It's a planned out pot luck as I'm trying to get us to have a fairly balanced meal. We can call it a Solstice or a Festivus for the rest of us party, if you were a fan of the Seinfeld show, you know about Festivus. We always have a lot of fun with these friends, but every group I've been a member of, has sort of faded away over time, but those who are coming on Sunday are really friends, most who I've known for over 10 years.

My local senior center gives us many opportunities to make new friends. That is how I met two women who I'm now very close to. I saw one of them this morning and we chatted for almost an hour after exercises. We met about 14 years ago. We love to discuss politics as well as other things, but the news was so sad today that I had to find something good. I found an article in Wa Po about a man who adopted older and disabled dogs, after his heart was broken due to the loss of his own dog. I'll try to post it later in the all things dogs, as it has lots of lovely photos and the story gives you a little boost for the day. Anyway....love discussing this topic with all you friendly people.

 

[Toni]

I presume that having no friends is healthier than having bad friends? currently I'm without any close friends, as the only two individuals I truly considered friends have passed away, and others I've met have been acquaintances, never forming deeper connections. My wife doesn't count because we're more than just friends.

Edit: I do call and treat my acquaintances like friends though.

What, in your mind, differentiates between friends and acquaintances?

I check on them and they never check on me.

Edit for clarification: Friends check on me.

Ah. I get that. I’ve also noticed that in friendships, there are those people who always do the checking in ….and those who don’t. I try not to make any judgements about that. A couple of my friends are ( jaw dropping beautiful, intelligent, fantastic human beings ) introverts who never thought anyone gave them a second thought when the reality was that everybody always assumed they were busy.

It could be that your acquaintances just assume you are too busy. Or they could simply be people who are never the initiators.

 

[Gospel]

I guess that makes me a social hybrid. I'm often initiate gatherings at my house and making the effort to check in on acquaintances or just spend time at their places. Despite having shared moments of personal difficulty, follow-up inquiries about my situation just don't happen. I've even faced extreme situations, like dealing with a troubled teen who posed a threat to my safety, yet never received questions like, "How did that situation turn out?" I've ended my community involvement & lately, I've been keeping my social circle confined, involving just few colleagues (some old some new) and family, without the expectation of empathy.

 

[Toni]

I could be wrong, but it often seems to me that men have a harder time making close friendships compared to most women.

My experience has been that the men I know are less emotionally available than women, and less interested in conversation for the sake of conversation. This is true in my workplace, my family, and among my college friends. I don't think it's universal among men, but it's likely true that women are more social than us, on average.

Women also mature faster, I don't think a lot of men really open up emotionally until their forties or fifties, or when they become a parent.

Yes, and I think men tend to form relationships through shared work or through shared arranged activities( sports—participation or watching) or things like fishing or helping each other with projects. I spent many many Saturdays in a small boat with my father from Sun up to just before dark and we might not have spoken 2 dozen words to each other all day.

 

[Gospel]

Ah. I get that. I’ve also noticed that in friendships, there are those people who always do the checking in ….and those who don’t. I try not to make any judgements about that

I wouldn't describe it as judgment, rather, it's an acknowledgment that certain relationships don't evolve into deeper friendships due to the absence of key elements like emotional support and honesty. This is especially noticeable in relationships where open and regular communication is lacking, and not all topics are comfortably discussed. As a result, these connections tend to remain at the level of acquaintances rather than developing into closer friendships.

 

[rousseau]

I guess that makes me a social hybrid. I'm often initiate gatherings at my house and making the effort to check in on acquaintances or just spend time at their places. Despite having shared moments of personal difficulty, follow-up inquiries about my situation just don't happen. I've even faced extreme situations, like dealing with a troubled teen who posed a threat to my safety, yet never received questions like, "How did that situation turn out?" I've ended my community involvement & lately, I've been keeping my social circle confined, involving just few colleagues (some old some new) and family, without the expectation of empathy.

My take is that quite a few people out there are reasonably self-involved, and just don't have much genuine curiosity about other people. It ends up being jarring and confusing for someone like you, when the reality is that you're likely just more sensitive to the needs of others and less self-involved, so you notice and ask about these things.

Years ago I used to get angsty about it, now I take pride in being the person who reaches out, or asks how someone is doing. Somebody's got to be the one actually caring about and noticing others.

 

[Gospel]

My take is that quite a few people out there are reasonably self-involved, and just don't have much genuine curiosity about other people. It ends up being jarring and confusing for someone like you,

I don't find it jarring or confusing in the slightest. Rather, it's challenging for me to feel a genuine connection with someone when our conversations don't delve into meaningful topics. The discussions I have with acquaintances are superficial, and can seamlessly blend with ones I have with complete strangers. After experiencing the depth of two genuine friendships, to me these surface-level interactions just don't qualify as friendships.

 

[Gospel]

Of course, this excludes the instances where conversations do turn to their personal troubles, which are indeed far from superficial. However, the one-sided nature of these exchanges leaves a notable gap. It's like having a piece missing from the pie – there's a sense of incompleteness in the relationship due to the lack of reciprocal sharing and depth.

 

[bilby]

Can dogs count as friends?

I often suspect that dogs are the only people who count as friends.

 

[rousseau]

My take is that quite a few people out there are reasonably self-involved, and just don't have much genuine curiosity about other people. It ends up being jarring and confusing for someone like you,

I don't find it jarring or confusing in the slightest. Rather, it's challenging for me to feel a genuine connection with someone when our conversations don't delve into meaningful topics. The discussions I have with acquaintances are superficial, and can seamlessly blend with ones I have with complete strangers. After experiencing the depth of two genuine friendships, to me these surface-level interactions just don't qualify as friendships.

I'd define an acquaintance as someone who I'm friendly with, but where life circumstances haven't let us cross the barrier into a deeper friendship. People at work I'm genuinely amiable with, those I met at college who I speak with but from a distance.

In many cases these relationships haven't gotten deeper because there's no circumstance that's allowed that yet. We don't spend holidays together, we've never lived together, we've never really worked together. A lot of times the superficiality is a product of the limitations of language - hard to ask about their religious or political beliefs when you're standing at a water cooler for five minutes.

The people I work with who show absolutely no interest in me, they're just co-workers, neither acquaintances or friends.

 

[southernhybrid]

Can dogs count as friends?

I often suspect that dogs are the only people who count as friends.

I had no idea that you knew my neighbor. My dogs are my very close friends, but I also have some human friends. They are also friends of my dogs.

Would y'all believe that Jobar stopped by about an hour ago because he had to come to our town to buy a part for something? He and his partner will be joining our little gathering of the cats on Sunday. Nothing against cats, but I do wish atheists were more like dogs, as dogs usually socialize better than cats. Some cats are very friendly and social but you really can't expect that from all cats.

It's hard to keep in touch with work friends after you change jobs or retire, regardless of how close you were while working together. If you live in the same place your entire life, and you're not a strong introvert, you're more likely to have at least a few lifelong friends. I've lived in 8 different states.