Having Friends

[Rhea]

Some research done on whther having good friends is healthy. (Spoiler; yes)


NPR article on having friends as health benefit

But my first wonder was how do they define “good friend”? They never say.

Still, an interesting thing to ponder how many good friends does one have, does one need, can one maintain?

 

[James Brown]

It gets more difficult as I get older.

In college, I had three very close friends, and I look back on our times together with painful nostalgia. I miss them so much.

As a working adult, I can only make friends with co-workers, because that's who I spend the most time with. But inevitably our careers take us in different directions, we lose touch, and the friendship is dissolved. I've tried to re-connect with old co-worker friends with an eye toward rekindling the friendship, and the LOE involved is always too high. We're too physically distant, too busy, we have nothing in common anymore now that we don't work together.

Now I work from home, so I don't even have daily face time with people to have work-friends.

 

[Harry Bosch]

It gets more difficult as I get older.

In college, I had three very close friends, and I look back on our times together with painful nostalgia. I miss them so much.

As a working adult, I can only make friends with co-workers, because that's who I spend the most time with. But inevitably our careers take us in different directions, we lose touch, and the friendship is dissolved. I've tried to re-connect with old co-worker friends with an eye toward rekindling the friendship, and the LOE involved is always too high. We're too physically distant, too busy, we have nothing in common anymore now that we don't work together.

Now I work from home, so I don't even have daily face time with people to have work-friends.

What kind of hobbies do you have? My favorites are skiing and fishing. I have a lot of ski buddies and fish buddies.

 

[rousseau]

It gets more difficult as I get older.

In college, I had three very close friends, and I look back on our times together with painful nostalgia. I miss them so much.

As a working adult, I can only make friends with co-workers, because that's who I spend the most time with. But inevitably our careers take us in different directions, we lose touch, and the friendship is dissolved. I've tried to re-connect with old co-worker friends with an eye toward rekindling the friendship, and the LOE involved is always too high. We're too physically distant, too busy, we have nothing in common anymore now that we don't work together.

Now I work from home, so I don't even have daily face time with people to have work-friends.

I've been looking into this issue for some time and your experience is common, maybe even the usual scenario. Our friends peak in college, take a dive when we have kids, and things get even worse when our family starts passing away.

I have a limited number of acquaintances, and none of my family around me, which makes my wife my most important friend. The people I feel really bad for are the unpartnered, that can be a real problem.

There was a time recently where I wanted to escape social media, but I've realized that it really is the de facto way for family and friends to communicate, sans physical proximity.

 

[Elixir]

I find that as I age, I have become more tolerant and empathic; maybe even more friendly toward people in general. But MUCH less likely to develop close friendships. People in general just plain ain’t that great. They’re not horrible; most are centered around some kernel of “goodness”, but that value is developed in the relative vacuum of their subjective experience, and usually has gaping holes in it. So over time I have been shocked by the revelation of individuals’ character - and rarely pleasantly surprised. Closeness takes years, lots of years and no guarantees. Family still has primacy - I’ve known them all my life, through thick and thin and there are no surprises.

 

[James Brown]

It gets more difficult as I get older.

In college, I had three very close friends, and I look back on our times together with painful nostalgia. I miss them so much.

As a working adult, I can only make friends with co-workers, because that's who I spend the most time with. But inevitably our careers take us in different directions, we lose touch, and the friendship is dissolved. I've tried to re-connect with old co-worker friends with an eye toward rekindling the friendship, and the LOE involved is always too high. We're too physically distant, too busy, we have nothing in common anymore now that we don't work together.

Now I work from home, so I don't even have daily face time with people to have work-friends.

What kind of hobbies do you have? My favorites are skiing and fishing. I have a lot of ski buddies and fish buddies.

Good point. One hobby of mine is community theater, and for the brief time I'm in a show, I make some tentative friendships with my fellow actors. But like work friends, when the show is over, we all go separate ways things, so sometimes I feel like I'm back to square one.

And on the flip side, other hobbies might be so involved that it's possible to make close friendships through them, but at the expense of spending quality time with family. When choosing between friends and family, I choose family. And most of the time, that's enough. But only most of the time.

 

[James Brown]

I find that as I age, I have become more tolerant and empathic; maybe even more friendly toward people in general. But MUCH less likely to develop close friendships. People in general just plain ain’t that great. They’re not horrible; most are centered around some kernel of “goodness”, but that value is developed in the relative vacuum of their subjective experience, and usually has gaping holes in it. So over time I have been shocked by the revelation of individuals’ character - and rarely pleasantly surprised. Closeness takes years, lots of years and no guarantees. Family still has primacy - I’ve known them all my life, through thick and thin and there are no surprises.

Truth. I've had old friends with whom I've lost contact. Then I reach out to them on Facebook and discover, to my dismay, that they've drunk the political kool-aid. Then it becomes clear re-kindling friendship with them would be unpleasant at best., a disaster at worst.

 

[rousseau]

I find that as I age, I have become more tolerant and empathic; maybe even more friendly toward people in general. But MUCH less likely to develop close friendships. People in general just plain ain’t that great. They’re not horrible; most are centered around some kernel of “goodness”, but that value is developed in the relative vacuum of their subjective experience, and usually has gaping holes in it. So over time I have been shocked by the revelation of individuals’ character - and rarely pleasantly surprised. Closeness takes years, lots of years and no guarantees. Family still has primacy - I’ve known them all my life, through thick and thin and there are no surprises.

This is one of the challenges I have as well. At 37 I've had a huge array of life experiences, and many of those in my peer group aren't people I'm interested in spending time with. To date, most of the people I've become acquainted with are those with a similar level of curiosity and intensity as me, but these kinds of people are few and far between.

At work many of my best friends are 45+. At home I spend most of my time on the internet having conversation with senior citizens.

 

[Elixir]

At home I spend most of my time on the internet having conversation with senior citizens.

Hey, I resemble that!
At about twice your age, I too have had an array of experiences. And they all go toward reinforcing the rarity and surpassing value of true friends/family.

 

[rousseau]

At home I spend most of my time on the internet having conversation with senior citizens.

Hey, I resemble that!
At about twice your age, I too have had an array of experiences. And they all go toward reinforcing the rarity and surpassing value of true friends/family.

I can still recall a comment from fromderinside a few years back along the lines of 'work friends are like diamonds'. That's definitely been the case for me over the years, and why I've been complaining so much since my employer went remote.

The workplace is the closest thing that post-college adults are going to get to a consistent community. I've been lucky that my employer offers a pension plan, as the friends I have made tend to stick around to accrue more years.

 

[Toni]

I have a couple of friendships that go back more than 50 years, with people I have kept in touch with ( with some periods of losing touch which was easy to do/hard to avoid in our days of youth and life changes and frequent changes of address and phone numbers, prior to the internet. And some friendships going back to high school, mostly now conducted through Facebook. I think I’ve kept in any kind of touch at all with exactly one person from our DC days, and with one person from our Michigan days, although I had a number of friendships I considered very close. But again: that was pre-internet times and easy to lose people hundreds of miles away, when life was very hectic with young children and phone calls cost money and letters took so much time to write. Here, in my current town, I have friends but they have tended to center mostly on shared activities and once someone leaves that activity, the friendship really wanes. I found that to be very disturbing and sad. Same thing with work friends. I keep somewhat in touch with a handful of work friends. But mostly that’s just FB exchanges. With other high school friends, it’s a casual Facebook type of connection. With most of my Facebook friends and most of my family outside of my siblings, we are politically polar opposites. They are very conservative. That said, that fact gives me some hope for the future. They are basically decent people—who mostly have lived in the same county their entire lives.

With one of my old friends, we talk explicitly about how important it is to maintain friendships for health and well being and I know that is a component of our relationship. Sure, here’s lots of nostalgia but we know each other’s family members and relevant dysfunction and can talk about old patterns, old wounds and old ties without any need to explain backstory or history. She and another friend are people I would unquestionably give whatever aid they requested if it were in my power to do so—and would move Heaven and earth to make it possible to do just that. And I know they would do the same fir me. They have, in fact.

Unfortunately they live a days travel by plane or car from me. We’ve talked about how nice it would be to live close enough to wander over next door for tea or wine but we are t really likely to actually move close to one another. We are staying near our adult kids and they are staying near theirs. But we do get together when we can.

But yes: it requires effort and sometimes patience when one really wants to talk and hang out and the other is busy with stuff. We’re fortunate that our spouses have formed friendships as well. Otherwise, those week long get together could be…tense.

 

[Rhea]

o. Our friends peak in college, take a dive when we have kids,

Since your kids are Very Young, you haven’t hit that friendship zone yet, but the parents of your kids’ friends is a rich source of post-college friendship beginnings. I have several permanent friends that were made as co-volunteers at school events, morphed into hosting each other’s kids, landed on empty nesters still hanging out, 20 years later.

 

[Tharmas]

I have two close friends I’ve known since we were four years old – one from nursery school and one who lived up the block. I have another friend from high school and one from college that I still keep in touch with. I don’t spend enough time with any of them, although phone calls and email work well, especially for the two who have moved away.

I made one close friend at work, who I remained close to even after I switched jobs. He lost his job and wasn’t able to find another before his insurance, and funds, ran out and he had to go to the public hospital for indigents, where the main goal of the staff seemed to be to shame the patients and make them wait (24 hours to see a doctor the first time he went in).

Mike didn’t take to shaming very well and after putting up with substandard care for a couple of months he committed suicide. I found his body. This was 18 or 19 years ago and I still miss him. I chalk his death up to the atrocious health care situation we have.

I agree about the importance of friendships for health and well-being, but I tend to isolate, especially with the advent of Covid, so I have to make a point of reaching out to friends, getting together for lunch, or whatever.

 

[Politesse]

If by friends you mean people you socialize with regularly and voluntarily, I do kind of miss having that, but haven't since my student years. And it was also very stressful and expensive, trying to maintain those kinds of relationships. Maybe when I retire. I am amiable as a colleague by all reports, but not the kind of person you'd invite over or whatever.

 

[southernhybrid]

I just noticed this thread, since I guess I don't spend that much time here anymore. I think having at least a couple of friends is a positive thing. I've moved so many times that I've found it very difficult to keep long distance friendships. I currently have two very close friends and a lot of casual friends and acquaintances. One of my close friends is exactly my age. We met at our senior center over ten years ago. By close friend, I mean, we can talk about just about anything. We are open about our different beliefs when it comes to religion, but we don't judge each other due to it. My two close friends are Christians, one is a Black Christian who loves her church. The other is a White Christian who hates organized religion, so she never goes to church. She is 20 years younger than I am. We met about 15 years ago, when she had a job helping a former neighbor who needed help with her IADLs. We now refer to each other as sisters. We think alike.

The weird thing to me is that my closest Black friend has turned down invitations to have lunch together and she also turned down an invitation to stay with me when she lost her power for over two weeks. They had heat, but she missed watching tv during the day, but refused to come to my house, even though I told her she could watch whatever she wanted. We mostly talk at the senior center or on the phone. My other friend comes to my house about once a week. She is sometimes our dinner guest too.

Former poster, Jobar used to be a very close friend and while we are still good friends, the relationship has changed a bit, since he now has a partner. We don't see him nearly as often as we did in the past. I've found that when my single friends get married or get into a serious relationship, the nature of the friendship tends to change a bit. My husband and I have lots of casual friends. Our car salesman took us out to lunch yesterday. We like him a lot and enjoy popping into the deanship to visit him every few weeks. Again, he's a Black guy. that we have a lot in common with. I also have several friends who are members of our little atheist group. They are mostly white and female, of various ages. There is also a very fun gay female couple in the group. I love the diversity of my community and my little atheist group. We took one member out to lunch last week. She is dealing with lots of problems right now. Most of my friends have a lot less money than we do, so we are the ones who usually treat them to lunch etc. And, to be honest, I find poor and middle class people to be a lot more fun and interesting compared to most wealthy people. My bro in law is wealthy and his friends always bored me when we used to attend his parties when he was still married. All they talked about was money.

I live in a small Black majority city, so I have more in common with Black folks here then I do with most White folks because most of them are conservative Christians and/or Trump supporters. So, it's hard to find things in common with them. I'm friendly when I see them at our senior center, but that's about it.

I also have a very poor, very dear Black female friend who I love buying little gifts for, as well as buying educational materials for her granddaughter. She thinks of us as family, but I've never told her that we are atheists, as it might be hard for her to understand. She is a joy to be around, but she's not at all intellectual. She's just a kind, loving person, who never complains. I've been to her modest home a few times, but she hasn't been to mine yet. She is always very busy helping her parents, and/or caring for her two grandchildren. I met her at our senior center too. We have a wonderful senior center, so that's a good place to meet new people and get involved with activities or exercise.

I have a neighbor who I see quite often, but she's more like my patient then my friend. She can be a tremendous burden. She complains a lot. Yesterday she called me screaming because her elderly dog had a seizure. The dog has a seizure disorder. I'll leave it at that. I don't want to abandon her, but I've never in my life met anyone like her. Sometimes it's better not to be friendly to a neighbor because you never know what you might be getting into. I think she may be in the early stages of dementia and her family rarely contacts her, so I'm all she has for emotional support and favors. She is divorced and complains about being lonely all the time. She doesn't realize that nobody wants to be around someone who constantly complains. It's sad.

I get what some of you said about work friends. I did keep in touch with a few over the years, but eventually, since we moved, the friendships faded away. One used to visit me or meet me in ATL for lunch about 25 years ago, but that eventually ended. I used to visit another one who lived near ATL but we also drifted apart. We will probably move closer to my son in the next 5 years or so, assuming we live that long. Then we will have to start meeting new people all over again.

But, my husband is my best fiend. We are probably too dependent on each other. We are like Jimmy and Rosalyn were, always holding hands, kissing, and doing most things together. When one of us dies, the other one will feel a tremendous loss. That's the bad thing about being in a long and happy relationship for decades.

I guess it's a good thing to join an organization, or do volunteer work if you want to make new friends. Atheist groups are lots of fun, but it's hard to keep us going, imo. So many of our groups die out after a few years. We have the best senior center here that I've ever seen and you only have to be 50 to join. That's where I've met lots of friendly people. I'm even very friendly with the one who tried to "save" me several months ago. Now we get along very well, and she no longer tries to convince me to come to Jesus.

 

[Gospel]

I presume that having no friends is healthier than having bad friends? currently I'm without any close friends, as the only two individuals I truly considered friends have passed away, and others I've met have been acquaintances, never forming deeper connections. My wife doesn't count because we're more than just friends.

Edit: I do call and treat my acquaintances like friends though.

 

[Elixir]

I am down to family and an old HS girlfriend two, as far as people I trust to know where I’m coming from. Sometimes I wonder why I keep people at arm’s length. Then they remind me.

 

[ZiprHead]

I have no friends. They're all dead.

 

[Toni]

I presume that having no friends is healthier than having bad friends? currently I'm without any close friends, as the only two individuals I truly considered friends have passed away, and others I've met have been acquaintances, never forming deeper connections. My wife doesn't count because we're more than just friends.

Edit: I do call and treat my acquaintances like friends though.

What, in your mind, differentiates between friends and acquaintances?

 

[Toni]

My most long term friend, and one of my closest friends I’ve known since 2nd grade. Our friendship has had holes in it—times when our paths diverged and re-converged after many years. My other very close friend has been my friend since she moved to my town when we were 13. Part of the closeness is the longevity: we know where the bodies are buried, so to speak or less colorfully, we know each other’s early traumas, histories, family structures and all of the major events of our lives. Either of them would be there—have been there for me in a heartbeat, and I have tried to do the same for them. My oldest son describes friendships of different levels: the ones you meet out for drinks, the ones who will help you move house, the ones you hang with watching/playing a game or listening to music—and the ones you bury bodies for. Those two friends?

. And I have a few other friends who are perhaps less close but whom I’ve known at least since high school. When I say less close: they have not, generally speaking, seen me and had to put up with me at my lowest points. We know each other’s histories but I’ve kept my worst traumas to myself—partly to protect them. By which I hope everyone understands I was very young. Nothing that terrible or extraordinary has happened to me. Those two long term friend close friends just happened to be present during some terrible times—no hiding what a mess I was. And they did not judge me.

Like many people here, I grew into adulthood, married and started my family before the advent of the internet. Each move meant changing not only address but phone numbers. Phone calls cost money unless you lived very nearby. Being young, there was no money. And like many/most of my closer friends as a kid, I moved states several times. It was easy to lose track of each other.

College friendships didn’t really stick. Friendships I made as a young parent I had assumed would last the rest of our lives but except for one, they did not survive multiple cross country moves. I could reach out via Facebook —but haven’t. I’m not certain why.

I find it much more difficult to form friendships in the town where I live now. Many/most people have family going back several generations upon whom they rely in times of need as well as much socialization. Socialization seems to be family, church or bar related, and I strike out in all 3 counts.

For years I did a ton of volunteer work at the local schools and sadly found that when I gradually moved into other areas, especially when I went back to school, those ‘friendships’ I thought I had were not really friendships but associations of convenience. No matter how many hours we listened to each other’s childbearing issues, marital or family troubles. My husband says that he notices people around here tend to be very transactional and in that he’s correct. Sadly enough. I got stung badly enough a couple of times that I admit I now tend to hold a lot of people at arms length. Not really my nature but that’s how most people seem to operate.

My husband is my very dear friend, as well as being my spouse, the father of my children and partner in raising them and running our household, plus all the romantic gushy stuff. I know that I can count on him—and he puts up with my shit.