Some of the toy soldiers that will soon be deployed to the Ukraine front.
Putin to Deploy Toy Soldiers to Make Ukraine War More ‘Economical’
Lauds ‘Tovarishch Barbos’ for ‘Wise Counsel’ in Ongoing Catastrophic Victory Over Ukraine
IIDB (Loony-Tunes News Service) — President Putin announced on Sunday that he would deploy “tens of thousands of toy soldiers” to the Ukraine front in an effort to make the war “even more economical than it already is.”
Speaking from an underground bunker in the Urals that was reconstructed to look like the interior of the Kremlin, the president, in a televised address, conceded that Russian forces could “easily overrun” all of Ukraine in a few days, but said “that would cost too much money.”
“At the start of the war, you will recall that we sent huge columns of tanks to flatten and occupy Kyiv,” the president recalled. “But then we decided to stop and turn around, because of the price of diesel fuel. Do you people have any idea how much diesel costs these days?”
To further economize on Russia’s “ongoing victory” over Ukraine, Putin said Russia would replace front-line conscripts with toy soldiers.
“Toy soldiers don’t need to be fed or resupplied with weapons,” Putin pointed out. “Although, come to think of it, we don’t feed or resupply our flesh-and-blood soldiers, either.”
Put singled out “tovarishch Barbos,” a rando on the internet, for his wise counsel and support in the ongoing victory over Ukraine that has cost Russia well over 100,000 casualties, destroyed its economy and made it an international pariah.
“I hang on every post Barbos makes,” Putin says. “He knows his shit.”
In his Potemkin lair, the president addressed the nation from the head of an empty table, with his top generals seated unsmilingly behind him like so many stuffed gargoyles weighed down with too many medals. Putin occasionally slumped in his chair and spasmodically tapped a foot. One eye blinked non-stop, and the left side of his face sagged from apparent paralysis.
Parts of the speech were slurred and incoherent, including periodic utterances of “rosebud,” “covfefe,” and “Trump pee tape.”
In the middle of his speech, Putin turned to face his generals and yelled at them: “If you don’t eat yer meat, you can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding, if you don’t eat yer meat?” The generals did not respond.