Occultists cast Jericho spell in last ditch effort to magically change election results

[Angry Floof]

Christians Plan to Walk in Circles Seven Times to Overturn the Election Results

So all the casting out of Satan and other holy rituals to weaken the liberal enemy have not worked. The impatient occultists are digging up old, powerful magic this time, the Spell of the Seven Circles of Jericho.

They’re literally going to walk in circles to undo the election results because this is what their faith teaches them will change the past. And also because these are not smart people.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Omigod -- I followed that link and it looks real. WTF??!!! This is what I've missed by not joining the faith community and having a purpose-driven life. However, I do not see that they're going to have a ram's horn accompaniment. Also, where did they find all the swords they need? The story ends with God's people slicing up "men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and asses." I beseech them: spare the dachshunds and labradoodles -- nevertheless, if this is God's will...
Also, I have some humble suggestions to make it all more Biblical. And newsworthy.
1) Do it naked, to emphasize you are as pure in your intentions as the uncorrupted Adam & Eve.
2) Invite Trump to watch, with magic sticks in his hands. When he raises his arms, the believers will prevail. When he lowers them, not so much. (Or is it the other way around. I forget.)
3) Have snakes to handle as you walk. Not necessarily to help your cause, but to add interest. Eat manna. Manna smoothies will be permissible.
4) Decide how to divide up the booty (if any) and if virgins will be spared from among the infidels (assuming you find any.) Otherwise make plans for the fellas to spill their seed on the ground -- props to Onan.
5) That covers it. Don't forget to be naked. That alone will get you on Fox and Friends.

 

[Politesse]

In the context of the original story... is that a genocidal threat?

 

[GenesisNemesis]

Are they physically acting out their circular reasoning?

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

Are they physically acting out their circular reasoning?

Is that the same as asking if they are all circumcised?

 

[Gun Nut]

I am circumspect about this

 

[funinspace]

Well that won't work alone, you have to bring trumpets on the seventh day...

 

[Swammerdami]

Don't they need to carry the Ark of the Covenant seven times around the circle to make the ceremony official?

According to the 1981 documentary with Harrison Ford, the Ark is now hidden somewhere in a giant warehouse operated by the Deep State. I hope government warehouses in the D.C. area are hiring extra guards.

In other news, The Onion has filed for bankruptcy. It is no longer able to compete with reality.

 

[ideologyhunter]

If that's true about the Ark, someone tell Trump that there's a Big Mac inside it.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Jericho spell? Won't that take out the Mexican wall??

 

[ideologyhunter]

No. For that you need the Holy Ghost to issue you a sanctified pinata and then you stuff it with Santeria chicken cutlets. Smack it with a stick. If the stick changes into a snake, you are fucked.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Jericho spell? Won't that take out the Mexican wall??

No. For that you need the Holy Ghost to issue you a sanctified pinata and then you stuff it with Santeria chicken cutlets. Smack it with a stick. If the stick changes into a snake, you are fucked.

What's that got to do with walls?

 

[ideologyhunter]

Jericho spell? Won't that take out the Mexican wall??

No. For that you need the Holy Ghost to issue you a sanctified pinata and then you stuff it with Santeria chicken cutlets. Smack it with a stick. If the stick changes into a snake, you are fucked.

What's that got to do with walls?

The same thing blowing on ram's horns and shouting have to do with walls. The holy shock waves from the erupting pinata will knock down Clownstick's wall. Pray on it.

 

[Elixir]

No. For that you need the Holy Ghost to issue you a sanctified pinata and then you stuff it with Santeria chicken cutlets. Smack it with a stick. If the stick changes into a snake, you are fucked.