Parenting Megathread

[rousseau]

I used to be a bit leery about the idea of giving kids meds, but on second thought - if we're mainly preparing them for the modern workforce, and many adults take medications that allow them to participate in that workforce, giving them to kids isn't that far afield.

The speech thing is something I'm keeping a close eye on in our son too. My wife had language issues growing up, while my verbal skills were on the other side of the spectrum. But we've also found that our son had some mild hearing loss due to fluid in his ears, so I'm keeping an eye on how that's affecting things. He'll be a year on the 21st and currently says mama - that seems roughly normal, so who knows.

Good luck with your daughter, I guess you can only really prepare her to be the best version of herself.

My oldest son had an issue with fluid in his ears from the only ear infection he ever had. I actually had taken him to the doc right away when he was mildly feverish and tugged at his ear--something that is also present in teething. The doc found nothing, advised teething and he was really fine----and then a couple of weeks later, I realized he couldn't hear me when I was behind him, speaking softly. Since normally he had phenomenal hearing, I took him back to the doc and saw the other partner in the practice who said yes, fluid behind his ears to the extent that his hearing was compromised severely. It was cleared up by meds and I later discovered that my animus against the first doc was unwarranted as very early ear infections in young children often do not show in exam but are only apparent later.

This kid went on to the the boy who the teacher sat in the hall because he was so chatty and social and finally sat him next to a child with significant hearing impairment--which did not quiet him down but definitely helped bring the other child out of her shell.

He's extremely verbal, and verbally very witty and indeed, I am pretty sure his dream job would be stand up comedian. He's a lawyer instead.

It's good that the fluid was identified so early and likely it will cause zero issues down the road.

Oh, that son's favorite memories of his childhood are that we always read him books and that there was always music playing--sometimes classical but more often jazz and most often rock--but at decent levels. No loud stuff.

And yeah, I'm sure that when he's my age, he will regret all the loud concerts he has taken himself to. Note: he does wear some kind of special ear plugs that allow you to hear the music but not too loud.

So we had a bit of an eventful day today. I finally got him into an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist for a follow-up hearing test and diagnosis. His (moderate) hearing loss is still present so we're getting tubes put in next month to clear the fluid build-up. This is really a best case scenario as I thought we were going to be waiting until November or December. I had also fretted that Covid had us miss his newborn hearing screening and that we were maybe behind the curve, but I learned today that intervention via surgery typically doesn't happen until around now anyway.

I've done a bit of research on his diagnosis and we seem to be getting this done at the right time. Expressive wise he is likely a touch behind now, but not too far, and hopefully his hearing will be completely cleared up before he starts in the toddler room at daycare (when kids really start speaking).

On another note I had a good time with him at the hospital. This was the first time it's been me bringing him to an appointment and not my wife, and it was a bit of an obstacle course. Time in the lobby, reception area, hearing test, speaking with the doctor. A bit of a challenge, but fun.

 

[Toni]

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Thanks, one thing I definitely don't think we did enough of with our first was skin-to-skin, often it just slipped my mind so I'll have to remember that this go around.

With him we did use a lactation consultant, actually a few of them. We consulted one in the hospital who gave us advice and got us started (and before that even took a breastfeeding class), and then when things were rocky in the first month or so we talked to another consultant. My wife's issue (and her mother had the same problem) seems to be sensitive skin. Her nipples just couldn't handle the constant feeding. Eventually she bled on one side, we switched to the other, got bad advice and ended up with Mastitis. A whole mess really.

Luckily you also gave us a pretty good pump suggestion , and that worked well for us up until about a month or two ago. It might be worth trying again, though, because who knows.

I actually had mastitis twice--both times with kids who nursed well. I was/am still convinced that it was a reaction to getting ready to move across a few states, with young children, including a nursing baby and frankly not getting much/any help from hubby who was deeply embroiled in school and work stuff in both cases. Antibiotics plus continuing breast feeding did the trick.

My mother breastfed all of us but with my youngest sibling, she began to use formula because she had problems with her nipples getting sore/cracked/bleeding. I was fortunate that I never had that problem, even with the kid who wanted to do nothing but nurse, to the point that I broke my promise to myself and got him a pacifier and saved both our lives. I'm joking about the life saving aspect. Probably. Sleep deprivation is seriously bad for me.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Daughter is back to the same ole behavior. Not listening, do stupid things. The school is stepping up their reactions to her. What makes matters worse is she easily made honor roll and the stuff she is doing is relatively harmless to inappropriate, for the most part, but can be a gateway to not so harmless. My wife is more reactive than proactive, and sometimes bordering on clueless with some of these things, which makes my job all the more difficult (and frustrating). Based on how my wife's Dad acted, she defaults to nearly unreactive at times to our daughter's behavior. And now all of the times she has been like 'what's the big deal' have accumulated into this snowball. Granted, this is hardly on her as her fault, but it hasn't helped.

I talked with the VP, and it was clear that there were children at the school with much more pressing issues than my daughter, but with how litigious things are these days, they get their backs against the wall so easily.

In my daughter's world, there is her inner voice as the top 9 important things to pay attention to, and then everything else. The impact of this can be benign like her ignoring answers to the questions she asks. And then to the frustrating when she just doesn't ingest a word spoken to her, as if no one is talking to her at all. Made with a bump in her meds, hoping that helps with the needless impulsive stuff.

 

[none]

so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.

No trauma. Narcissism is a trait in my wife's family (father side), and my Sister has some issues with inward only understandings of the world, so my family's genes aren't in the clear.

My daughter has a history of not easily looking at people while talking to them. She also needs to be the center of attention... more so than average for kids her age. And she has a historical issue with answering questions. She is also hyperactive, well in excess for her age. Meanwhile her maturity is closer to that of a five year old (I'll lay that one on my wife as she always let her play with the smaller kids, because her peers were less interested in playing because she is too erratic... so instead of trying to get her to calm down, she let Cordi play around with the lesser mature or easily controlled (and this was observed by staff when she was in the early learning program), and to hell my opinion on the matter... why is that so important).

Her intelligence and capacity are in excess of average. She is capable of sitting still and reading an easy 100 page book (as in content... I tried having her read a Jennifer Holm book, but that content didn't stick). So Math, English, Reading, Geography, Technical Skills... great! Her handwriting sucks... like mine did. And her behavior is unpredictable and impulsive, to the point she was suspended for one day, to send a message.

 

[none]

so her genetics are fucked and the solution is to medicate.... heck.. THAT sounds reasonable..../sarcasm.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

so her genetics are fucked and the solution is to medicate.... heck.. THAT sounds reasonable..../sarcasm.

Medicate was my last resort. Positive reinforcement, negative punishment provided no change in behavior. It is random and impulsive. She reflects several issues with ADHD. Also, child psychiatrist involved. Pharmacy stopped letting me write prescriptions when they figured out Dr. Ewe bin Haad wasn't a legitimate alias.

 

[Toni]

so she's smarter than the average and there is some trauma that needs medication.

No trauma. Narcissism is a trait in my wife's family (father side), and my Sister has some issues with inward only understandings of the world, so my family's genes aren't in the clear.

My daughter has a history of not easily looking at people while talking to them. She also needs to be the center of attention... more so than average for kids her age. And she has a historical issue with answering questions. She is also hyperactive, well in excess for her age. Meanwhile her maturity is closer to that of a five year old (I'll lay that one on my wife as she always let her play with the smaller kids, because her peers were less interested in playing because she is too erratic... so instead of trying to get her to calm down, she let Cordi play around with the lesser mature or easily controlled (and this was observed by staff when she was in the early learning program), and to hell my opinion on the matter... why is that so important).

Her intelligence and capacity are in excess of average. She is capable of sitting still and reading an easy 100 page book (as in content... I tried having her read a Jennifer Holm book, but that content didn't stick). So Math, English, Reading, Geography, Technical Skills... great! Her handwriting sucks... like mine did. And her behavior is unpredictable and impulsive, to the point she was suspended for one day, to send a message.

She sounds a little like one of my kids who is most likely on the very high functioning autism/Asperger’s spectrum. Super bright, low on social skills as a child. Tended to much prefer reading fact based materials rather than say, fairy takes and folk tales hus sibling loved.

We were fortunate I think that no one suggested evaluating him—he was an adult before I heard of Asperger syndrome. No suggestions that he needed meds-but he had tolerant teachers who knew how handle an overly excited super bright child who would correct the student teacher’s definition of gravity (first grade) and corrected his second grade teacher about whether or not one could subtract 8 from 4, with some discourse on negative numbers. With the wrong teacher, this would have been…a nightmare. In middle school, it was a nightmare. A few years later, he likely would have been recommended meds, probably, and that would have been another set of fights with the schools. We had enough of those trying to get him appropriate classes.

His ability to learn so many things so quickly made him seem—and be—fairly arrogant. Some if his teachers were really rubbed the wrong way. A lot of kids his age were also rubbed the wrong way.

But we were also fortunate that, given the number of younger siblings, I couldn’t afford to work and pay day care—we were a single income family which was fortunate, as it turns out. I had extra time to devote to the kids, and this one, in particular. I know just how fortunate we were.

And fortunate to have Richard Scarry books when he was a toddler and reading one book was a natural primer on emotions as they correlate to facial expressions. Unknowingly I picked up a lot of coaching skills, and expressly taught him things my other kids knew by ….osmosis, it seemed in comparison. Things like: taking turns, how sometimes people’s feelings get hurt if we say certain things or don’t pay attention to their faces as well as their words….

I’ve obviously never met you or your kid but a couple of things you’ve written about your daughter remind me of my son at that age who also often did better with younger kids at that age, abs had a few miserable years in middle school but in high school, added to his small group of friends from ejenentary school abs now has a great group of done if the nicest people you’d ever meet who are wonderfully supportive of one another. If you met him, you’d recognize him as that geeky nerdy kid but you’d probably not notice social awkwardness.

 

[rousseau]

Daughter is back to the same ole behavior. Not listening, do stupid things. The school is stepping up their reactions to her. What makes matters worse is she easily made honor roll and the stuff she is doing is relatively harmless to inappropriate, for the most part, but can be a gateway to not so harmless. My wife is more reactive than proactive, and sometimes bordering on clueless with some of these things, which makes my job all the more difficult (and frustrating). Based on how my wife's Dad acted, she defaults to nearly unreactive at times to our daughter's behavior. And now all of the times she has been like 'what's the big deal' have accumulated into this snowball. Granted, this is hardly on her as her fault, but it hasn't helped.

I talked with the VP, and it was clear that there were children at the school with much more pressing issues than my daughter, but with how litigious things are these days, they get their backs against the wall so easily.

In my daughter's world, there is her inner voice as the top 9 important things to pay attention to, and then everything else. The impact of this can be benign like her ignoring answers to the questions she asks. And then to the frustrating when she just doesn't ingest a word spoken to her, as if no one is talking to her at all. Made with a bump in her meds, hoping that helps with the needless impulsive stuff.

This might sound a bit trite, but could this be a situation where you put some focus on your own perception of what's happening? Instagram can be riddled with terrible advice, but this one rings a bell: 'in all the effort to make a good kid, don't forget that you already have a good kid'. Or.. 'you can't make a monkey into a fish, but you can make a monkey a very good monkey'.

IOW, try not to let minor issues affect this period of your lives, your enjoyment of your daughter, and your chance to just be with her at this stage of her life. Up to now you've likely been a phenomenal parent, in the future you will likely continue to be a good parent, and the reality is there are some things that are just out of our control. So.. observe, do what you can, but try not to let the stress and anxiety ruin the relationship and time you have with your daughter.

This was a big lesson for me when we learned that our son had hearing loss. In the beginning I found myself constantly scheming about how to ensure he was learning language, but eventually I realized that in all the commotion I was missing moments along the way.

 

[none]

"gee, dad how's is going?"
shut up you narcissist...

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Meanwhile in the following episode of My Daughter...

She did the 5k Girls on the Run race. There were dozens of people along the 5k course with signs of girl empowerment, which I thought was getting a bit corny... but darn... if those things didn't get her sprinting up again. She ran nearly the entire distance (and it was cold), with only short slowdowns of walking of which I got her to get her jogging legs back. 5k is a long distance for a very soon to be 9 year old. I didn't run that distance until a Freshmen in high school (first practice in Cross Country... 6 mile run, OI!), and I liked to run. She has hiked a lot including Ricketts Glen and Niagara Gorge so I know she has stamina, but hiking and running are two different things. So I was very impressed with her ability, with me pushing her and the volunteers along the trail encouraging her. She seems to like running. Must have got that from me.

Her pacing was awful (seemed to be a theme for most of the people in the event...) it seemed the coaching aimed more towards empowerment than running. Hopefully they add the program back to her local school and I'll try to get into volunteering to deal with running skills, assuming male coaches are allowed, I'm told they are. I was confused why the simple stuff wasn't taught... mainly form and pacing. Yes, they are only children, but children aren't dumb. Don't need to run fast, but in control. But then again, most of the kids in her pod weren't runners to begin with and were taking this for whatever other reason. The two actual runners were the two youngest kids.

 

[Toni]

Meanwhile in the following episode of My Daughter...

She did the 5k Girls on the Run race. There were dozens of people along the 5k course with signs of girl empowerment, which I thought was getting a bit corny... but darn... if those things didn't get her sprinting up again. She ran nearly the entire distance (and it was cold), with only short slowdowns of walking of which I got her to get her jogging legs back. 5k is a long distance for a very soon to be 9 year old. I didn't run that distance until a Freshmen in high school (first practice in Cross Country... 6 mile run, OI!), and I liked to run. She has hiked a lot including Ricketts Glen and Niagara Gorge so I know she has stamina, but hiking and running are two different things. So I was very impressed with her ability, with me pushing her and the volunteers along the trail encouraging her. She seems to like running. Must have got that from me.

Her pacing was awful (seemed to be a theme for most of the people in the event...) it seemed the coaching aimed more towards empowerment than running. Hopefully they add the program back to her local school and I'll try to get into volunteering to deal with running skills, assuming male coaches are allowed, I'm told they are. I was confused why the simple stuff wasn't taught... mainly form and pacing. Yes, they are only children, but children aren't dumb. Don't need to run fast, but in control. But then again, most of the kids in her pod weren't runners to begin with and were taking this for whatever other reason. The two actual runners were the two youngest kids.

I'm not a runner and frankly, girls were not allowed to do real sports when I was a girl so this is just from observing my kids play soccer: Most kids don't really have much....concept of the need for form or discipline or strategy until age 10 or 11. The fact that she completed her 5K is really terrific! Not just for the physical stamina but also for the focus, endurance, and so on. My husband ran track but always hated distance because he got bored--as a high schooler. So kudos to your kid!

 

[rousseau]

This is mainly aimed at Toni, but if anyone else wants to chime in feel free.

Wondering at what point you saw consistency with your kids sleeping through the night? I assume it varied, but wondering when that tended to happen for you?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I figure that'll vary wildly by child. My daughter could sleep a long time for most of her life, at home. But the first three or so years, getting her to fall asleep... that was a pain in the butt.

 

[rousseau]

That's what I figure too. My wife and I are trying to nudge our son in this direction before our youngest comes. We've had a few pretty good weeks already, but we get the feeling that we've been so responsive so far that he'll ask for food absolutely any time he's a little bit hungry, including at night. So we're trying to get him used to sleeping through without being given much or any milk.

 

[Toni]

This is mainly aimed at Toni, but if anyone else wants to chime in feel free.

Wondering at what point you saw consistency with your kids sleeping through the night? I assume it varied, but wondering when that tended to happen for you?

My first ( dream child) slept through the night right before I had to go back to work—before 7 weeks of age. The only times after he did not sleep through the night were if he was sick or maybe teething.

The second one slept through the night when he was almost 3 years old, fortunately before the third one arrived. That was also the time he began to reliably nap.

#3 mostly slept through the night by about 7-8 weeks but wasn’t 100% except when sick until maybe 3 months. Pretty good/reliable but not 100%. He also had a fussy period every afternoon, just as I wanted to prepare dinner. This lasted for 4-6 weeks. It could be altered a little, by adjusting his nap time but he just seemed to be a child who…needed to release his stress of the day by crying. It really hurt my heart but firtnsteky he grew out of that relatively quickly.

The youngest slept through the night mostly by one month and reliably by 6 or 7 weeks. Napped well, was a happy, easy baby.

I was really really lucky. Only one had significant sleep problems. He just didn’t need much sleep and was easily wakened from sleep. He also had a lot of ear infections, which meant no sleep, plus teething= no sleep. But he was a beautiful kid, happy, really smart, got on well with siblings. From what he tells me now as an adult, he still sometimes deals with insomnia. I think he’d do better if he stayed off devices fir a couple of hours before bed but what do I know???? (Linking articles was not helpful)

 

[Rhea]

My first child slept through the night immediately - and was losing weight in an unhealthy way because of it. So we had to start waking him up to eat. That and a few more tricks on getting him to eat enough and he started waking up on his own like a typical baby at about 4 weeks. From 4 weeks until about 3-4 months, he woke up usually once or twice. My husband and I had a plan - I pump and go to bed at 10pm. If baby wakes up before 2 am, hubby takes care of it. If he wakes up after 2am, that’s my job. So we got into a routine where we both got a guilt-free uninterrrupted 4 hours of sleep every night. After about 3 months, I think, he would sleep through the night most nights and wake up at 5-6am for the day.

Second child slept through the night slightly sooner (and none of the failure-to-thrive terror of the first one!)

One thing we did with both is try to make night wakings not scary so they could fall back asleep, hopefull before even waking us. When it was time for bed, we would sit in the dark, and put the baby in bed in he dark, and continue to sit for a while in the dark. This way, when baby woke up, everything was the same as when they went to sleep, so it was presumably less scary, and they could return to sleep. They woke, it seemed the same as when mom or dad was still in the room, they nodded off again.

Another thing we did was have three sets of sheets and sleep suits. One on the baby, one in our bed, one in the laundry. Switching frequently but with a set always spending a day or two in our bed before being put in crib. So that when they woke, they smelled us becuase they were swathed in things that had been in our bed the night before. They seemed very soothed by that.

 

[rousseau]

We were a bit concerned a few months ago, but my wife mapped out a weaning from night feeds and it seems to have worked. We weren't really comfortable with sleep training, and I'd always assumed that if the baby is hungry they're hungry. But a few co-workers of my wife who'd already been through it mentioned that over time they become accustomed to night feeds. Basically, their body expects milk at night. So my wife gradually cut down the amount of milk she was feeding him at night, then eventually eliminated it all together and just held him / put him back down when he cried. He seemed to adjust fine, and now just eats more solids during the day.

We're not too worried about waking for the (smaller) baby, but both of them waking might have been a task.

@Rhea, thanks for the tips, we'll try some of that.

 

[Toni]

My two youngest were 2 years apart, almost exactly. I didn't really have any issue with one waking the other at night. We kept the baby with us in our room as long as they were waking to feed at night, so there's that. But it wasn't a huge house.

My next youngest sibling and I are 19 months apart. We did not keep each other awake at night but we did keep each other awake when we were supposed to be napping when we were about 2 and 3 years old. I actually remember one instance. I blame my mom for not putting us down in different rooms....

 

[bigfield]

We have a four-month old boy who has been sleeping through the night for about a month, now. I'm not sure if there was anything in particular we did that started it, but it was a welcome if unexpected change.

The long sleeps coincided with cluster feeding; the baby had several closely-spaced feeds before bedtime, as opposed to the evenly-spaced feeding timetable that we followed in the first few weeks. I don't even know what started the cluster feeding: we just gave him a bottle whenever it seemed like he was hungry (or rather, hangry) and he just drank more often at the end of the day. My partner had anticipated the change in sleep pattern, and there was probably some subtle changes in how we responded to his crying (i.e. we tried the bottle first instead of assuming he was sore).

We've recently encountered the four-month sleep regression, where the baby wakes up in the night in distress. We (i.e my partner) seem to have nipped this in the bud my changing his bedtime routine: we identify when he is tired of an evening, put him in bed, tirn out the lights and comfort him until he stops grizzling. We place a hand on his chest and tap with one finger at about one beat per second, which supposedly calms him down. It takes a while sometimes but seems to work. I used to pick the baby up and rock him back to sleep when he cried, but that just ensured he would wake up in distress later.