Parenting Megathread

[rousseau]

My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.

Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!

Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.

 

[Keith&Co.]

My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.

Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!

Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe.

First off, it was a joke.
Second, sounds like you just defined resentment.
Third, still joking.

Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three),

Hey! WE wanted two, too! The second one just came out twice (Have you checked for twins, yet?). Two of my three supervisors have three kids, single and twins separated by 5 years.
It's nothing in the water, we were in different states when this occurred.

 

[rousseau]

Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe.

First off, it was a joke.
Second, sounds like you just defined resentment.
Third, still joking.

Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three),

Hey! WE wanted two, too! The second one just came out twice (Have you checked for twins, yet?). Two of my three supervisors have three kids, single and twins separated by 5 years.
It's nothing in the water, we were in different states when this occurred.

That happened to a friend of mine around the time our first was born. Except it was number three and four. They ended up diverting plans to move to the east coast, settled here, and are.. very tired. Our first step is making sure there's only one in there .

Oma had five singles so here's hoping.

 

[Tharmas]

First of all, congratulations!

My daughter’s two (girl then boy) are nineteen months apart, and my daughter and her husband have survived. The kids are close enough to play with each other and are very well bonded. Now that the kids are a bit older (five and six turning seven soon) the biggest problem is scheduling. However, assuming they can attend school in person in the coming year, they will both be heading to the same school for the first time, which is a major win for the parents.

They have one set of grandparents nearby. My daughter works a well-paying job and her husband is a freelance artist, which actually pays, but not so much. Of course he is able to work from home.

It helps that they both love children, as you and your wife seem to.

 

[Shadowy Man]

My kids are five grade years apart so this week they start the one and only year they will attend the same school. Sigh…

 

[rousseau]

First of all, congratulations!

My daughter’s two (girl then boy) are nineteen months apart, and my daughter and her husband have survived. The kids are close enough to play with each other and are very well bonded. Now that the kids are a bit older (five and six turning seven soon) the biggest problem is scheduling. However, assuming they can attend school in person in the coming year, they will both be heading to the same school for the first time, which is a major win for the parents.

They have one set of grandparents nearby. My daughter works a well-paying job and her husband is a freelance artist, which actually pays, but not so much. Of course he is able to work from home.

It helps that they both love children, as you and your wife seem to.

We really do. For so many years before we had our first all I'd heard were horror stories about parenting and how hard it is, to the point that it made me a bit anxious. But after actually having our son I know it was what I was meant to do. I love it, and love being with him. It's hard work but I find what we have now a pretty good balance. Busy days, then a few quiet hours at night. That's enough for me, I'm not sure how we'd cope if we were childless.

With a second in tow I'm starting to re-consider how to be more efficient with my time and energy, it's really forcing me to think about what's actually important to us.

 

[Old Woman in Purple]

Congrats! You & Wife are involved and supportive enough to each other & to your offspring that everything will work out just fine. Don't sweat the small stuff!

 

[Toni]

My wife has had mixed emotions and one of her first comments was: I wish you could get a turn at being pregnant.

Resentment? Well, everything's proceeding nicely, i see.
Congrats!

Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! And I totally understand what your wife is feeling/going through. Having a second child is much easier in many ways but also harder in some unexpected ways. You have better handle on what having a child entails which is good and bad. And in some small ways, you feel like maybe you are taking something away from #1 by making them 1 of 2. Somehow, you adjust anyway.

BUT:

Cough cough: there's nothing quite like having a second child to knock all illusions of perfect motherhood right out of you. At least in my experience.

For us, our first child was extremely easy, which was fortunate because we were idiots. Idiotic enough to believe that our first was an easy child because (get this) we were such good parents. Nope: he just made us look good. The second child was much harder: colic, didn't sleep much, very clingy as a young child, lots of ear infections. Kid turned out to be super smart and a delightful child and person but the first year was not easy, in part because of the lack of sleep/colic and also because hubby's schedule was absolutely killer and because, as it happened, friends who were our major support circle moved out of our neighborhood and further away, making that all more difficult. And then we moved, as well to an entirely new area.

But that is no guarantee or even reasonable predictor that your second child will not be a terrifically easy delight. I do know that I was a very easy infant and toddler. My parents (i.e. mother) started to see me as more problematic when it turned out that I was not a carbon copy of my older sibling and (you might find this surprising) had my own ideas. That came later, though. Even though I was seen as a rebel, I was the kind of rebel who never broke curfew, rarely talked back, got perfect grades and was a neighborhood favorite. Still rarely isn't never, though, is it? My older sibling was a never talked back kid. Impossible to live up to that.

But honestly, we laugh now about #2's infancy and toddlerhood. Out of 4 kids, that one was the only one that was not a very easy child, sleeping and eating well and on schedule, easily socialized with other kids/adults, yadda yadda yadda. I do think that part of the struggles with #2 in the early years is because otherwise, our life was pretty stressful for a couple of years, one of which saw us moving half way across the country (and me looking for a place to live with a one year old and a 4 year old in tow, in a city I'd never been, with no car, relying on the kindness of the sister of a dear friend who lived in the area. Fun times. Thank god I was so young. If I tried it now, it would kill me.). He was easier at one than as a younger child, and easier at 2 than at 1 and easier at 3 than at 2 and so on, each year becoming easier, even as other children were added to the mix.

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.


Just remember: being a perfect parent implies that your children are perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Or yourself but most mothers find it easier to recognize when something is unfair to their kids than unfair to themselves.

 

[Old Woman in Purple]

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Sounds like my sister & I growing up, born 13 months + 11 days apart. When I [being daughter#2] was born, people commented, "Oh, they'll be such good friends as they grow up!". ... Eh... more like, we were a relatively even match for slug-fests and arguments, as well as board games.

 

[Toni]

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Sounds like my sister & I growing up, born 13 months + 11 days apart. When I [being daughter#2] was born, people commented, "Oh, they'll be such good friends as they grow up!". ... Eh... more like, we were a relatively even match for slug-fests and arguments, as well as board games.

My next younger sibling is 19 months younger than I am. My mother seemed to hold two competing ideas at the same time: we were Soooooo close in age that we must want to do the same things and of course I was going to be thrilled to take her with me wherever I went ( and my friends would be equally thrilled). AND I was sooo much older and more mature and I needed to set a good example—and let her win at games so she wouldn’t feel bad and cry. If she cried, it was my fault and I got into trouble. I lost track of the number of fights I got into with friends who were fed up with her but blood will out, I suppose.

We are not close.

 

[rousseau]

Not resentment so much as that she just got a small taste of freedom and now it's starting over again, a bit annoyed/fearful maybe. She's one of the on the fence women. She was absolutely thrilled about our first, but she's not the I want 6 kids type. Two has been our plan for a while (she actually wanted three), but now that it's a reality we actually have to face it.

I think one of her issues is perfectionism, she feels like she has to be perfect, turbo mom 100% of the time, and she beats herself up and gets imposter syndrome over every mistake. I used to have a bit of that, but have more or less taught myself to relax and enjoy the ride. So it seems she's a bit more stressed than I am.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!! And I totally understand what your wife is feeling/going through. Having a second child is much easier in many ways but also harder in some unexpected ways. You have better handle on what having a child entails which is good and bad. And in some small ways, you feel like maybe you are taking something away from #1 by making them 1 of 2. Somehow, you adjust anyway.

BUT:

Cough cough: there's nothing quite like having a second child to knock all illusions of perfect motherhood right out of you. At least in my experience.

For us, our first child was extremely easy, which was fortunate because we were idiots. Idiotic enough to believe that our first was an easy child because (get this) we were such good parents. Nope: he just made us look good. The second child was much harder: colic, didn't sleep much, very clingy as a young child, lots of ear infections. Kid turned out to be super smart and a delightful child and person but the first year was not easy, in part because of the lack of sleep/colic and also because hubby's schedule was absolutely killer and because, as it happened, friends who were our major support circle moved out of our neighborhood and further away, making that all more difficult. And then we moved, as well to an entirely new area.

But that is no guarantee or even reasonable predictor that your second child will not be a terrifically easy delight. I do know that I was a very easy infant and toddler. My parents (i.e. mother) started to see me as more problematic when it turned out that I was not a carbon copy of my older sibling and (you might find this surprising) had my own ideas. That came later, though. Even though I was seen as a rebel, I was the kind of rebel who never broke curfew, rarely talked back, got perfect grades and was a neighborhood favorite. Still rarely isn't never, though, is it? My older sibling was a never talked back kid. Impossible to live up to that.

But honestly, we laugh now about #2's infancy and toddlerhood. Out of 4 kids, that one was the only one that was not a very easy child, sleeping and eating well and on schedule, easily socialized with other kids/adults, yadda yadda yadda. I do think that part of the struggles with #2 in the early years is because otherwise, our life was pretty stressful for a couple of years, one of which saw us moving half way across the country (and me looking for a place to live with a one year old and a 4 year old in tow, in a city I'd never been, with no car, relying on the kindness of the sister of a dear friend who lived in the area. Fun times. Thank god I was so young. If I tried it now, it would kill me.). He was easier at one than as a younger child, and easier at 2 than at 1 and easier at 3 than at 2 and so on, each year becoming easier, even as other children were added to the mix.

Two of ours were just about 2 years apart and they were either best buddies or direst of enemies, switching daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Now, all of my children remain good friends, for which I am extremely grateful.

Just remember: being a perfect parent implies that your children are perfect. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Or yourself but most mothers find it easier to recognize when something is unfair to their kids than unfair to themselves.

This is a good point, thanks.

Before our son was born I spent (no joke) about two years reading about parenting, books, online articles, Q&A sites. Not out of any particular need, but because I didn't have much else to do. I read so much that I likely do have a larger perspective than average. Two helpful books that come to mind were The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik, and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen (which is a classic on discipline). The latter, specifically, is my bible on how to interact with our son.

My wife is a bit more laissez-faire and not as much of a planner so on her end there's been more figuring it out as she goes. She's excellent at the physical side of parenting, but some of the approaches I've learned seem to work better in some situations. And she is starting to notice, our son is a bit better behaved around me than her. So it's been an interesting line to tread for me lately as I try to relay some of these ideas to her while also giving her the autonomy to parent in her own way, and additionally not cause conflict between us.

My biggest learning in the past few months is that kids are resilient and that even if we get emotional from time to time it's not that big of a deal. So I'm much more likely to just go with the flow now, regardless of what's happening, do my best to serve all parties, and carry on. Not stress out too much over how 'good' we're parenting. This approach seems to be working, my wife is picking up on some of the things I'm doing, and things are improving.

When it comes to adding a second to the mix my biggest fear is that my wife is going to be exhausted to the point of misery, which I think all I can really do is anticipate our needs and contribute as much as I can.

 

[Rhea]

Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

 

[rousseau]

Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.

 

[Toni]

Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.

When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.

 

[rousseau]

Congratulations! Wonderful news.

My two are 28 months apart. One of the most useful things I did was whenever I sat down to nurse the baby, I told the toddler that because his sister needed to be fed, I was available to read him a book. He LOVED HIS SISTER because she made it so he got read to multplie times a day. He would hear her start making hungry noises and he would run and get a book and my nursing pillow and sit on the coach waiting. He thought she was so nice to make this happen for him.

Another thing we did to help me as a tired mom was that any child problem that happened between 10pm and 2am was Dad’s problem. I was sleeping. (I would pump just before bed and he’d be able to feed). Anything that happened after 2am was my problem. But the split meant that when we each slept, it was guilt free. For me, that made a HUGE difference. 4 solid hours of sleep, guaranteed.

Also making a difference was when hubby came home from work at night while I was at home during my leave, and immediately took the baby. I was “touched out.” He got that. His “day at work” was a break.

We loved how the kids interacted with each other. Usually they got along great, so they entertained each other pretty well.

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

Something I noticed with our first was that we both got used to a certain pattern, my wife got used to the early morning feeds / pumping, and after a while I had a harder time taking those ones. If I get up past 3 am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if this time I commit to a certain period my body will adjust.

When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.

One benefit we have this round is that we know we'll likely be pumping / bottle feeding from the get go. My mother-in-law struggled to feed directly from breast, and my wife ended up having the same problem before we switched to a bottle. So we have any pretense of trying out of the way and can go straight to a bottle.

We also had the experience of the days being a bit more dynamic. In the beginning I took anything after 6 am, but then there was a period where he wasn't waking up until it was time to pump. Eventually it often depended on how we were feeling and what we needed on any given day. Partner continued to take early morning feeds because she was adjusted to them, but if she was hitting a wall at any time of day I'd step in, and vice versa.

 

[Toni]

When my children were born, breast pumps were not as good as they are today and were expensive—out of our budget. What we did was: hubby got up, changed baby and brought baby to me to feed. I returned baby after feeding and…slept like a log until the next feeding. For 3 of them, they made it through the night by 6-7 weeks. Hubby didn’t always get up for the baby—a lot depended on what kind of day he had and was heading into.

One benefit we have this round is that we know we'll likely be pumping / bottle feeding from the get go. My mother-in-law struggled to feed directly from breast, and my wife ended up having the same problem before we switched to a bottle. So we have any pretense of trying out of the way and can go straight to a bottle.

We also had the experience of the days being a bit more dynamic. In the beginning I took anything after 6 am, but then there was a period where he wasn't waking up until it was time to pump. Eventually it often depended on how we were feeling and what we needed on any given day. Partner continued to take early morning feeds because she was adjusted to them, but if she was hitting a wall at any time of day I'd step in, and vice versa.

Yeah, for us, it was mostly that way: whoever was about to hit a wall got the break.

I know that I was really fortunate that I grew up with a breast feeding mother and it came very easy for me. My husband was less sure and my mother in law was....shocked. For her, giving birth in a big city hospital, they immediately injected new mothers with hormones to dry up their breast milk. I was born in a little country hospital where such things were not heard of. Anyway, for me, it was easy: just stick the kid up my shirt. But It's not always that easy for everyone. AND one of the kids refused ANYTHING but breast. That was difficult as he was the difficult child anyway: picky eater, no sleeper, colicky, clingy. But he turned out just great. We still joke that if he had been our first, he would have been our last. Now I think of him as a good less on in parental humility. Our first wasn't easy because we were such good parents. He was easy because he was easy and we got incredibly lucky. Seriously: it was pure luck. He wasn't planned, we had no money, just a lot of youthful optimism and confidence that we could do anything. Now I look back and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. And I think our parents must have been dying.....It may have been a good thing that we lived in tiny rented apartments and my mother in law could not move in with us. I loved her very, very much but we might not have gotten along so well if we had lived together.



And....suddenly a memory flashed: The cranky colicky no sleep baby? Well years after, when he was in school, one of my friends (we had moved states so this was a newer friend) and I were talking about our kids' early years and I talked about this kid's difficulties as an infant and toddler. She just looked at me, listened to me describe his nursing and said: You should have called a lactation consultant. This is what it sounds to me like what his problem was: and described it more than I had and also solutions that sounded as though they would have worked just fine.....if I had called a lactation consultant. My friend was a huge proponent of La Leche so please, if your wife has any concerns, don't be the idiot that I was: CALL A LACTATION SPECIALIST!!!!!

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

We were fortunate to live in a time when Mom could stay home and be with the children. It wasn't easy but that's what we did for 11 years. The kids could not have been more different in their nursing. The first one took to it like he'd been practicing for months. The second treated the nipple like a lollipop and it took a while before he learned to latch on. But there were no bottles ever, could not have been easier. We were very familiar with Natural childbirth and Le Leche.

Another memory is of diapers. We only ever used disposables when we traveled. Otherwise it was a swish in the toilet and into the diaper pail for laundering later. Saved a lot of money that way.

 

[Rhea]

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

 

[Toni]

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Excellent suggestions!

 

[rousseau]

Those are some great ideas. I believe you suggested something similar when our first was on the way and we actually made use of it. In the early days I took until 11 pm, and the first morning feed past 6 am. That went on for about seven weeks until I went back to work and we shifted things around a bit.

So glad that worked for you. The sleep-fatigue thing is so real and so debilitating that I alsways mention that, even if I might be repeating myself.

I expect you will become accustomed to whichever you chose onn this go-around. I found my body to be very Pavlovian. Make a routine, the body helps keep the routine, especially in overwhelming situations.


As for the breastfeeding - I second the suggestion of getting a lactation consultant - and I’ll give reasons why…

Pumping and bottle feeding is wonderful for delivering the natural maternal antibodies and the flavor variation that are good for baby’s health and palate respectively. So if that’s the way you go - it’s a win; I don’t want to minimize that.

And I recommend that when you feed with a bottle, you take off your shirt and the baby’s onesie and give the baby skin-to-skin contact (both parents). It is so soothing for them and a soothed baby makes a happy home!

Breastfeeding as part of the plan adds an incredible flexibility and spontaneity that is so monumentally needed by new parents. To be able to just stuff a diaper in your back pocket and go - priceless. If you are interested in trying again, I’ve got some of my experiences below. I mention this because for me, nursing in person saved me a LOT of headache in fussy time, extra work, and inflexibility in shopping and travel, even though I also pumped. And it made me one-hand-free to read to the older child while I lay the baby on my boppy pillow, cuddled in one arm and holdinng a book, with the other arm around older brother.


I had a very difficult time in the first weeks nursing my older child. He would start crying in the middle of nursing, getting terribly frustrated, OR he would fall asleep after one swallow and not get enough. He was losing weight and scaring us all. I was able to get a consultant through work who had so many workable ideas, and I also found a breastfeeding support forum that was so important to me.

For us the solution was two things: swaddling him very tightly including his arms so that he could feel pressure all over and not touch his own face, triggering the rooting reflex that turned him away from me and toward his own (unsatisfying) hand; and working to keep him awake long enough to get enough nutrition. I would hold him and nurse at night and my husband would tickle his feet and put ice cloths on his head. It was a rough couple of weeks, but the kid finally figured it out in about week 3 or 4, and after that it was a relatively easy hybrid of pumping and nursing. Critical to get on a schedule because the woman’s body is very very responsive to a feeding schedule. Further tips on how to get through growth spurts where the baby needs extra nutrition, etc if you want them.

At any rate - if any of that is useful - take what you can.

Thanks, one thing I definitely don't think we did enough of with our first was skin-to-skin, often it just slipped my mind so I'll have to remember that this go around.

With him we did use a lactation consultant, actually a few of them. We consulted one in the hospital who gave us advice and got us started (and before that even took a breastfeeding class), and then when things were rocky in the first month or so we talked to another consultant. My wife's issue (and her mother had the same problem) seems to be sensitive skin. Her nipples just couldn't handle the constant feeding. Eventually she bled on one side, we switched to the other, got bad advice and ended up with Mastitis. A whole mess really.

Luckily you also gave us a pretty good pump suggestion , and that worked well for us up until about a month or two ago. It might be worth trying again, though, because who knows.