Parenting Megathread

[Toni]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

What's going on in music class?

Could be related to a kid in the class, or the teacher or the subject. Or the teacher's perception of the kid's behavior or another kids' behavior.

I had at least one kid who was seen as a wonderful, brilliant, positive member of a class by one teacher and as Satan's right hand by another. For exactly the same behavior.

She seems to have more issues outside of class. But she is completely unpredictable. Sometimes she views herself as the executor of the rules and will be the enforcer. Other times she just acts out, have a great day and then she’ll snap.

Strong sense of or need for order? Trying to work through her sense of right and wrong/justice? Does she tend to be hard on herself?

 

[rousseau]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

Could it just be that she's intelligent and doesn't conform to the normal order of the class?

In risk of sounding naive as I'm yet to have kids, maybe it's just something that's not really worth worrying about until she's putting other kids in emotional or physical danger. All you can really do is continue to guide her about appropriate, socially adjusted behavior, no?

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

Tough to figure. It will all become clear when she's about 30. Six years is too early I think for a conclusive evaluation by a professional. Likely if she's just the queen of drama queens she sounds like maybe she has her dad's gift for meaningful communication, eh Jimmy?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

She seems to have more issues outside of class. But she is completely unpredictable. Sometimes she views herself as the executor of the rules and will be the enforcer. Other times she just acts out, have a great day and then she’ll snap.

Strong sense of or need for order? Trying to work through her sense of right and wrong/justice? Does she tend to be hard on herself?

Not that I'm aware of. She is almost completely unhard on herself. Is it normal to be empathetic... and narcissistic?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

Could it just be that she's intelligent and doesn't conform to the normal order of the class?

It is possible that she is too far above the class, though this school works on trying to manage several levels of intelligence in one class. But I don't want to go the "She is too smart" angle too easily.

My daughter has many strengths, but a few weaknesses (patience, listening), not that this isn't typical of a young child.

 

[rousseau]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

Could it just be that she's intelligent and doesn't conform to the normal order of the class?

It is possible that she is too far above the class, though this school works on trying to manage several levels of intelligence in one class. But I don't want to go the "She is too smart" angle too easily.

My daughter has many strengths, but a few weaknesses (patience, listening), not that this isn't typical of a young child.

Yea it might not be that. But on the other hand the bad behavior might not be due to intelligence as much as presence without a filter.

Where other kids are quietly following along your daughter might have a stronger frame of mind, resulting in a bit more of an exaggerated role in the classroom.

I guess the idea would be that this energy and awareness will eventually be channeled with her self control. Personally I'd ask yourself what you and your wife are like - you seem like a bright guy - so this explanation doesn't seem like a big stretch.

But then I know basically nothing about your daughter or the behavior so this could all be nonsense.

 

[Toni]

She seems to have more issues outside of class. But she is completely unpredictable. Sometimes she views herself as the executor of the rules and will be the enforcer. Other times she just acts out, have a great day and then she’ll snap.

Strong sense of or need for order? Trying to work through her sense of right and wrong/justice? Does she tend to be hard on herself?

Not that I'm aware of. She is almost completely unhard on herself. Is it normal to be empathetic... and narcissistic?

She's 6. She's gonna be a bit self centered. Even for kids who have been through daycare and preschool and kindergarten, first grade can be a totally different experience where for the first time, you are expected to be exactly on the same page/place/problem number as everyone else in the class.

I've known a number of perfectly nice children who came home from first grade a hot mess on a daily basis.

On the other hand, if this is a change in behavior compared with last week, last month, last semester, maybe think about what is changing or has changed for her. In terms of her class, her classmates, how she goes to/from school, etc.

Like rousseau, I was going to ask if she was ahead of the class in some ways---Does she read or do math at a much higher level? Or a lower level? Or does she know how to do things but is easily distracted by a noisy classmate or situation?

One of my kids was pretty far advanced academically in school but socially not ahead at all. It was fine for him in (most of) elementary school but middle school was a nightmare. The one grade that was rough on him in elementary school is when he had a very rigid and frankly, just bad teacher. I know: I used to volunteer in the the class and graded lots of spelling tests and math tests and heard some of what she had to say. And the kids in general behaved badly. Because that teacher singled out my kid, the other kids picked on my kid as well. It was a relatively small school and these kids were almost all in the class with him the year before and the year after with zero issues. It was the teacher.

I'm not saying it is the teacher in this case. Just that sometimes something that seems small or a shake it off kind of thing to an adult or a slightly older or slightly younger child is a big deal to the kid in ways she may not even realize or understand.

 

[southernhybrid]

I could be wrong, but I vaguely remember that age six is one of those ages when kids drive their parents nuts. Hopefully, Jimmie's daughter's current issues are related to her being six. I think I would give her a little more time before I freaked out about her behavior.

The worst age is usually around puberty. My niece came to visit me once when she was almost 12. She hated her mother, took advantage of everything I offered to do with her etc. Now that she's an adult, she and her mother are extremely close. Almost too close imo, but my opinion is irrelevant when it comes to other people's relationships with their grown children.

 

[rousseau]

Yea, I don't want to sound like I believe genetics are everything, but based on all of the research I've read the major factor contributing to life outcomes seems to boil down to inherited factors, rather than nurture.

Of course nurture is also critically important, but only insofar as you're providing the basics of socialization - don't do this extremely stupid thing - as any parent with common sense would do. Outside of that you're basically keeping them fed, making sure not to neglect them, and ideally providing rich experiences.

So yea, I don't think a little misbehavior at age 6 is a sign of anything outside of being a 6 year old, and probably nothing to worry about unless it starts indicating some type of condition. If Jimmy and Mrs. Jimmy are both successful people, it's reasonable to assume that in the long run their daughter likely will be too. All that can be done in the interim is really patient guidance.

 

[Toni]

Just wanted to throw this out there because it's something that I just remembered.

There was a period of some weeks when I was in first grade when I cried every day on the way to school and after arriving. It didn't happen at the beginning of the year--more in the middle. One day while walking to school with my older sister, I began to cry. I didn't know why. It didn't stop when I got to school, either. My sister was irritated as all older siblings would be with a younger sibling crying for no apparent reason. It didn't stop with that one day but continued for some period of time--weeks, perhaps. I honestly don't remember how long. It was enough that it warranted a visit from the teacher to my house (they did that in those days) to inquire what was wrong. I remember my parents and teachers very concerned and asking me what was wrong, was someone bothering me and why was I crying. I had no idea. I was completely perplexed myself. It went away on its own as best I can remember, as mysteriously as it happened in the first place.

I realize that's not particularly helpful but there it is. Sometimes kids don't know why they do the things they do.

 

[Rhea]

My daughter (6) is driving us nuts at school. Her behavior is all over the place. We have a run of decent days... or a run of bad days... or a run of mostly good days with a but. Go to pick her up and the teacher tells us that our daughter rescued a baby from a burning car in the morning, but then tried to collaborate with ISIS in the afternoon during music class. This kid is the queen of drama queens.

Something we often forget (and in contrast to Toni’s comments where she was asked a lot and didn’t know the answer, which is also true and perhaps related to this but worth asking nevertheless) is to ask the child what they were thinking. When my son got into all kinds of pickles, I learned to stop asking “why did you disrupt them, or, why did you break that thing, or why did you almost hurt so and so” and instead ask
- what were you doing?
- what were you thinking while you were doing that?
- what did it feel like to you?
- What did you expect to happen?

The answers were profoundly useful. And gave a much better communication between us as to what was actually wrong instead of my assumption of what was wrong. And SOOO much more productive to correcting his behavior instrad of saying, “you can’t hurt people,” with him just thinking (accurately when it comes right down to it,) “I wasn’t” and ignoring the correction. Instead I could say, “you have to think through whether that action could end up breaking/hurting/disrupting because if it ends up doing that, even if you didn’t mean it, you will be responsible.” Now he knows to think things through which is reasonable, instead of “not being bad” whih is perplexing and opaque to him. He never actually wanted to break anything or hurt anyone, so once he gained an ear from an adult on what to do to avoid it (in 4-year old terms) he was happy to oblige.

Not perfect, of course, while he did get significantly better at not causing harm, there were still those talks even up through middle school that included, “It doesn’t actually matter how curious you were about what the older boy’s sweat might taste like, it was not acceptable to walk up an lick his arm from wrist to bicep, and he is understandably a little freaked out by the experience. Instead you need to ask an adult and we can arrange for a way for you to taste sweat. (Ew!)”


Anyway, I learned so very much by pausing and asking with no leading questions. Things I never expected were on his mind. And he learned that someone cared about his point of view and, to him, “the truth”. It gave me a lot of insight that was necessary to find a solution.

 

[Tharmas]

I am awestruck by some of the stories and thoughtfulness in these posts, mostly because I don't consider myself to have been a very good parent, and in some ways was no doubt a very bad parent. Of my two kids one turned out fairly well in spite of her childhood. The other has had persistent problems. He seems to be getting on an even keel now finally, at age fifty two.

 

[crazyfingers]

Today was and still is horrible. My daughter was and is fuming all day sending the negativity through the home. Rage in her voice. Talking back. Calling us stupid. Refusing to follow the rules of the home. Her brothers are trying to sleep and she's purposely making threatening sounding noises in her room to scare them. I told her to quiet down. She gets louder. She is outside now at 10:20pm.

She tried to slam her door and I stopped it slamming shut. I told her that's not how to shut a door. She says there is no other way and fumes.

Worst she's scaring her younger brothers. The youngest has PTSD because of her. I'm sure that I would be diagnosed with PTSD from her and them all if I had someone to give me a diagnosis. My wife too.

She is incapable of taking care of herself in this world but if this keeps up we can't have an 18 year old continuing to traumatize us and the boys. She can't be abusive to us and live in our home.

Right now I believe she needs a group home. She actually does too. I hope DMH can arrange it. We can't take this escalation.

I hope tomorrow is better.

 

[crazyfingers]

She is finally in bed. Her sensor on her door is on to wake me up if she comes out of her room. Our youngest boy is sleeping on the bed in the porch. My wife is the second line of defense, sleeping on the couch downstairs.

I had hoped we were done with this. But we have had to spend the night like this for over 10 years.

 

[crazyfingers]

She hates being 18 years old with responsibilities. She wants all privileges of being 18 but won't follow the rules of our home. She is messed up and becomes abusive towards all of us. By psychological definition, when she turned 18 her diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder is redefined simply as sociopath. Emotionally she is more like 7 years old.

Sorry it's been a very hard day dealing with her while trying to keep her younger brothers safe

 

[Rhea]

That’s brutal. I am so sorry you have to struggle with that - and know your younger children suffer from its effects. I hope she can get a space in the group home for her sake as well as the sake of others. My sympathies.

 

[crazyfingers]

Another rage tonight by our daughter. Yelling, banging, swearing at us. I called mental health crisis line to talk to her.she refused to talk. Crisis suggested calling 911 since daughter is 18 they don't come here any more.

Txted her therapeutic mentor even though sunday evening. She called her. She yelled and raged on the phone. Mentor came over and they went out.

She came home and had dinner then she got her blankets saying she was sleeping outside. (In the slush. Still winter in massachusetts) wife talked her out of it and finally she cried and apologized.

The rest of us can't continue to take this.

 

[Rhea]

Listening, hearing. Just - here for you.

 

[Toni]

That sounds really brutal for all of you. I hope things settle down and you are able to help her transition to a different environment.

And mostly that you and the rest of you get the support you need.

 

[southernhybrid]

I too am very sorry for all that your family is dealing with CF, and if it helps you to share your frustrations with others, I hope you will keep venting to us. I can't imagine how I would cope if I were in your situation, but it does sound as if your daughter needs to be in a group home at the very least or some type of facility that could better deal with her behavior. When I worked as a nurse in a personal care home, we had a couple of very emotionally disturbed young folks who lived there for a few years. I don't know what eventually happened to them once they moved out, but they also had a lot of behavior problems that made it difficult for the staff. But, in a facility, at least there are always staff members available 24/7, which must be better than what this young woman's behavior is doing to your family.

I think our mental health system in the US is greatly in need of more resources, I'm sad to say. I hope you can get your daughter placed somewhere soon before her behavior continues to damage the integrity of your family.