Parenting Megathread

[Jimmy Higgins]

That sounds less like Daycare and more like live-in Nanny, and it is a big ask. You are effectively working a job for them.

It'll depend on how comfy you are at their place, how happy the household is when they are back at home (low stress?), how "easy" the child (children?) is/are.

Honestly, one other question they need to ask is are they good with you being there. I assume they don't live in a huge house. The convenience of being able to work will be very helpful for them, but their marital privacy is going to be shot. Not saying you aren't good company, just that certain aspects are going to be different and could cause stress.

If you are not going back and forth daily, I think you can work around the weather related things. But this whole arrangement will require a good deal of sacrifice all around. May work out swimmingly though.

 

[Toni]

That sounds less like Daycare and more like live-in Nanny, and it is a big ask. You are effectively working a job for them.

It'll depend on how comfy you are at their place, how happy the household is when they are back at home (low stress?), how "easy" the child (children?) is/are.

Honestly, one other question they need to ask is are they good with you being there. I assume they don't live in a huge house. The convenience of being able to work will be very helpful for them, but their marital privacy is going to be shot. Not saying you aren't good company, just that certain aspects are going to be different and could cause stress.

If you are not going back and forth daily, I think you can work around the weather related things. But this whole arrangement will require a good deal of sacrifice all around. May work out swimmingly though.

I'd drive up and spend their work week which they think they can arrange for 4 days/week for at least one if not both of them.

They live in a townhouse that is sufficient for the three of them (one small baby plus two parents). Three bedrooms, two baths although the second bath is in the basement and is .....not great but works. Guest room is small but sufficient. I don't need a lot.

I am most concerned about the hit to privacy, especially for them. Because the baby is so young, I am less concerned that I will 'do things wrong' according to the most up to date standards of infant care/their preferences. I'm happy enough to do things their way. I totally get that it's their home and their child. When the baby is older and more mobile and exerts her own will over her environment, there might be some conflicts, potentially. The last time I was up for a couple of days they 'complained' (not really) that I had spoiled the baby by holding her all the time. She was 6 weeks old so no, it is not possible to spoil the baby by holding her. It wasn't really a complaint--they are happy that I am so happy to just hold her, change her, feed her, etc. and hand her over when they want her back.

I'm also a bit concerned unless there are clear expectations for exactly what I will be doing. Do I go grocery shopping? Prepare dinner or other meals? Laundry? Vacuuming? I can clearly do all of those things, albeit less efficiently if I am also caring for a young infant.

Also: what's the back up plan when roads between my house and theirs (120 miles one way) are terrible? I drove back and forth to work no matter what the weather for 15 years before I retired, about 100 miles/day. Towards the end, I confess that I felt it was less and less worth it. But at that point, I was working for money. If I do childcare, it would be a)for no money and b) for my grandchild. I'd happily part with a kidney for that baby. I'm just concerned about a back up if weather were awful. I figure I could just leave some stuff in the guest room to make it easier/lighter to travel back and forth. It isn't luxury accommodations but it's fine. I'm easily entertained and have no problem retreating to curl up with a book. I think they are worried I'll be bored. I'm worried about their privacy.

The relationship is not that old: baby was a surprise. I think we just learned of the mother's existence about a year ago---and by we, I mean the entire family and friends network. I've already mentioned to them that if/when they are ready, we'd take the baby for a weekend or so so that they could get away or even do a staycation kind of thing. Something they had hoped to do before baby arrived but weren't able to manage it. It was a high risk pregnancy so they were reluctant to travel away from her doctors. Very understandably.

My husband and I were in a somewhat similar position when we first got together, with our own surprise pregnancy---not a secret to any of the now adult kids. They know we had nothing, struggled for years financially---and have been pretty happy most of the time. I won't lie and say that the over 40 years together have all been rainbows and bluebirds. They know that, as well. The advantage/disadvantage that we had is that we were young and pretty stupid and that we lived more than 500 miles from our families, so we had to figure things out for ourselves and there was no one around to either help or criticize. They are in their 30's so they are not as young and stupid as we were nor are they as poor. We're closer than any of our family ever was, but hers is quite far away so we're it for local family. She's more outgoing and has a wide circle of friends which is a good thing/bad thing for their relationship. One of her friends was living with them until about a month before the baby was born so they really have not had much time alone to figure out how to be a couple. That said, my observation is that they really do work well together. My son has even mentioned that he realizes that they work together on projects together better than my husband and I do now, after all of these years.

It's a bit premature. I'm heading up for a few days and it may be that there are more talks.

Bottom line: they know I will step in if/when needed, and will fill in gaps in care if needed.

I'd be less like nanny and more....Granny?????

There are other things being discussed but they are longer range. Hubby has been dead set against ever moving but last night mentioned that it is possible that we could move closer to them. Also she'd like to live in our community because it's quieter and there's more nature/less day to day noise and stress around. Of course that would mean both of them changing jobs, selling their home and purchasing another home, with the potential to temporarily live with us if necessary. That's a LOT with a brand new baby. And I'm writing this as someone who has relocated across state lines twice with young kids, twice with a year old baby to places where we knew no one and had no friends/family. Also during the days before there was an internet so it was not fun looking for houses to rent or buy.....but we did it. I think we just never considered not succeeding. Stupid? Lucky? Probably both.

 

[Toni]

Just for some context: This is our first and we are assuming only grandchild.

Both parents are struggling with the idea of leaving the baby with non-relatives, emotionally plus financially, although they might be able to qualify for subsidized child care.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

If you are up to it, it is worth a shot. As you note, boundaries on responsibility need to be established up front and across the board. Not as a Gandalf, none shall pass thing, but more of a 'this is the understanding among us all'. It must also contain the caveat that if any of the parties think it isn't working, it can dissolve and no one gets angry about it. Like I said, it is a big thing to get used to. This is on top of a new child.

If the SO is new, that could become an issue, as you are less familiar with the person and the compatibility. Personally, I figure we could have managed this sort of arrangement with my Dad or my MIL, but not my Mom or my FIL. Compatibility will be a key to this working and that is two-way triangle. Brining up finances could be tricky, but I'd suggest that they need to bank some of the money they are saving.

Again, regarding weather and roads, just be open to the fact you might be staying there for two straight weeks at some point.

 

[Toni]

If you are up to it, it is worth a shot. As you note, boundaries on responsibility need to be established up front and across the board. Not as a Gandalf, none shall pass thing, but more of a 'this is the understanding among us all'. It must also contain the caveat that if any of the parties think it isn't working, it can dissolve and no one gets angry about it. Like I said, it is a big thing to get used to. This is on top of a new child.

If the SO is new, that could become an issue, as you are less familiar with the person and the compatibility. Personally, I figure we could have managed this sort of arrangement with my Dad or my MIL, but not my Mom or my FIL. Compatibility will be a key to this working and that is two-way triangle. Brining up finances could be tricky, but I'd suggest that they need to bank some of the money they are saving.

Again, regarding weather and roads, just be open to the fact you might be staying there for two straight weeks at some point.

Yeah, I figure I could be staying a couple of weeks at a time, which doesn't thrill me that much simply because I've become accustomed to having my own time at my own disposal, at least part of the time.

 

[rousseau]

We've had our first session with the new private clinic. His new speech therapist (the one with 18 years of experience) was fantastic. I actually laughed out loud when she got him to make both the s and z sound within a few minutes of the session starting. She's using a process called cognitive reframing which is teaching him how to make the sounds without telling him that's what we're doing. When we actually prompt with 's' he always does it the wrong way because it's so engrained.

The real relief is that we've found a clinic that can get the job done. So we take him to this clinic until he's done, and I don't have to worry about finding a new therapist.

 

[Toni]

If you are up to it, it is worth a shot. As you note, boundaries on responsibility need to be established up front and across the board. Not as a Gandalf, none shall pass thing, but more of a 'this is the understanding among us all'. It must also contain the caveat that if any of the parties think it isn't working, it can dissolve and no one gets angry about it. Like I said, it is a big thing to get used to. This is on top of a new child.

If the SO is new, that could become an issue, as you are less familiar with the person and the compatibility. Personally, I figure we could have managed this sort of arrangement with my Dad or my MIL, but not my Mom or my FIL. Compatibility will be a key to this working and that is two-way triangle. Brining up finances could be tricky, but I'd suggest that they need to bank some of the money they are saving.

Again, regarding weather and roads, just be open to the fact you might be staying there for two straight weeks at some point.

Yeah, I figure I could be staying a couple of weeks at a time, which doesn't thrill me that much simply because I've become accustomed to having my own time at my own disposal, at least part of the time.

Just to update: The parents have opted for full time daycare. Hopefully they will get through this first year and next year their costs will come down. The choice was part time grandma/part time day care center and they thought a consistent daycare choice was better in the long run.

Hubby is planning to retire within the next year and there are discussions of potentially moving nearer to them--or potentially them moving closer to us. A move within the next 6-12 months is not very likely but possible. For us: we like our house, having spent a lot of money and time and effort addressing electrical and plumbing issues and functionality by renovating kitchen and bathrooms and even adding a bathroom and addressing the aesthetics of some of the choices former owners made in the 70's....I recognize that midcentury modern is a thing now but a)it did not fit this Victorian house and b)having grown up during the mid-century era and having lived with mid-century decor, all I can say is that it wasn't that great. Re-locating nearer to them would mean more money for a smaller house and still would likely need updates. So.....not as appealing plus moving after living in one house for more than 30 years is pretty daunting. Not that we should not move to a smaller home at some point, despite what hubby says. 2 stories plus basement laundry will not be ideal when we are in our 80's. On their side, moving would mean both finding new jobs and selling current home which he bought 4 years ago so not tons of equity and finding a new home they could afford and liked in our area, which is not as cheap as it used to be. So, beyond what they are prepared to tackle with a new child--and who can blame them.

 

[rousseau]

An update on our therapy. He can now make the S and Z sound repeatably after two (!) sessions. So all the planning and precision pulled it off, now we just need to practice a lot until it's natural. We're pretty thrilled as this is hopefully the last piece of his Cleft Palate. When we're finally done speech sessions for good I will be celebrating.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

My daughter is doing well. She was apparently having issues early in the day, but shifting medicine times cleared that up. It is nearly unbelievable the difference the medication has. I messed up today, gave it to her later, and she messed up this morning. Her impulse issues are 7 year plan, but I want to get that worked on now. She has limited mental block on impulses when not medicated. But it isn't all or nothing. It isn't as if she is reckless and without any sense of control.

Got her report card, had highlights, lowlights. She bumped into some adversity in one assignment and just dropped. Unfortunately it was a large assignment, so it effectively cost her a full grade. Need to work on that, but I feel the teacher probably needed to involve the staff member that sees to her support for this case. The teacher isn't seeing Cordi as a special needs student. But the teacher is communicating and fully, which I appreciate and the teacher isn't being unreasonable. Cordi is just a particularly unusual case. The stubbornness which can occur, it is out of the blue and and can be mistaken as normal stubbornness. It isn't normal with her.

 

[gmbteach]

My daughter is doing well. She was apparently having issues early in the day, but shifting medicine times cleared that up. It is nearly unbelievable the difference the medication has. I messed up today, gave it to her later, and she messed up this morning. Her impulse issues are 7 year plan, but I want to get that worked on now. She has limited mental block on impulses when not medicated. But it isn't all or nothing. It isn't as if she is reckless and without any sense of control.

Got her report card, had highlights, lowlights. She bumped into some adversity in one assignment and just dropped. Unfortunately it was a large assignment, so it effectively cost her a full grade. Need to work on that, but I feel the teacher probably needed to involve the staff member that sees to her support for this case. The teacher isn't seeing Cordi as a special needs student. But the teacher is communicating and fully, which I appreciate and the teacher isn't being unreasonable. Cordi is just a particularly unusual case. The stubbornness which can occur, it is out of the blue and and can be mistaken as normal stubbornness. It isn't normal with her.

I’m glad she is doing better.

 

[Toni]

My daughter is doing well. She was apparently having issues early in the day, but shifting medicine times cleared that up. It is nearly unbelievable the difference the medication has. I messed up today, gave it to her later, and she messed up this morning. Her impulse issues are 7 year plan, but I want to get that worked on now. She has limited mental block on impulses when not medicated. But it isn't all or nothing. It isn't as if she is reckless and without any sense of control.

Got her report card, had highlights, lowlights. She bumped into some adversity in one assignment and just dropped. Unfortunately it was a large assignment, so it effectively cost her a full grade. Need to work on that, but I feel the teacher probably needed to involve the staff member that sees to her support for this case. The teacher isn't seeing Cordi as a special needs student. But the teacher is communicating and fully, which I appreciate and the teacher isn't being unreasonable. Cordi is just a particularly unusual case. The stubbornness which can occur, it is out of the blue and and can be mistaken as normal stubbornness. It isn't normal with her.

I know how….impossible it was for my kids’ school to recognize or be willing to address learning disabilities in bright children who seemed happy, came from supportive homes. My oldest almost certainly is dyslexic to a small degree. I cannot say for certain because the school refused to consider having him tested. He was doing well enough in school, but also was a typical adolescent male so they just assumed his inattentive tin to detail, misreading of schedules, tables, etc. was that. But hey he was passing! And they had all sorts of kids with ‘real’ problems, who did not have university professors for parents and doesn’t every parent think their kid is really smart???

He’s probably your age, put himself through law school and…I honestly do not know how he manages to keep track of his schedule.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I wish I was better at it. She need to atone for what she did at school by doing a constructive kit. She gets frustrated and it back builds with me. I'm the adult, the parent, I'm supposed to be the wise calm one. But my Id doesn't want to be calm. It wants to tell her that this is how it will be! I wonder where she gets it from.

I have to tell my Id to shut up, which isn't neurologically pleasing. Yelling would be much more pleasing... but umm... dreadful ineffective and awful. So... stress. I'm glad she has much better resources available to her at this school. But as you say, there can be propensity to take stubbornness a certain way. Heck, it took us years to figure out what was going on. Teachers see so many students, but the outliers, not as many. And some can be quite unique.

And oh... what in the heck is with all the standardized testing?! They are going to be doing it again shortly. The kids are going to graduate high school knowing only how to take a test!

 

[gmbteach]

I have an ADHD/ASD child in my room who, for the first three term, would only get relief from the Chloe’s that was the room when Support Hub staff came and so he equated them arriving with HIM getting the attention and no one else. Umm hello? There are 4 other ‘hun kids’ in the room, you gotta share the love…. It took two weeks of me explaining that others need help as well. He also tends to RUSH his work to get urgent feedback…. Again, it took a couple of weeks of patient ‘training’ to get him to realise that it’s not all about him.

I recognise that this is a classroom setting, however, his mum has said that he isn’t as demanding at home and has calmed down heaps,,,so it is spilling over into his whole life, not just 6 hours at school.

We do a range of assessment items here. This term I have done a math test, a persuasive writing task, a reading comprehension tasks and a mixed assessment HASS task. These are set by our state curriculum body, but can be adapted to suit our students and adjustments are made for those with special needs.

We do standardised testing twice a year - spelling and reading terms 1 and 3, which informs our spelling and reading levels.

Apart from that, we have NAPLAN.. a nationwide test for numeracy, reading, writing and language conventions. This is only done in years 3, 5, 7 and 9.