Statisticians Uncover What Makes For a Stable Marriage

[Jimmy Higgins]

My official analysis of divorce statistics indicate that marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Daughter in law's family sprang for a large room for all three of their daughters' weddings in west Los Angeles. Bands, full meals, appetizers, other entertainment, many changes, all are still married. Daughter looked in parents eyes and opted for a cozy wedding at Gaetano in  Calabasas, Ca near Woodland hills and Beverly Hills then marriage ceremony at our home conducted by one of son-in law's aunts. All are still married, all are happy, all have exactly one child three of whom entered college this fall.

For what it's worth wife and I got married on less than $700. Had a high mass, three hundred guests, buffet, flowers in church and at apartment for buffet and we paid the priests $20 each. Uh, we're still married. Don't see the connection between money, social status or anything else.

When? 1974?

My wife and I got married on "the cheap", about 16 guests, no church (did it in a National Reservation), dress, food for about $2000 to $2500.

Granted, can't say we'll stay married forever, but the last couple years have been real tough and we seem to be maturing with it.

 

[Shadowy Man]

On the other hand, I dated my spouse for a year before we eloped at age 21 and spent all of $150 on our marriage license and the Justice of the Peace. We had no honeymoon at all, and we've been happily married for twenty years now.

Surely there must be some distribution of the data.

 

[fromderinside]

For what it's worth wife and I got married on less than $700. Had a high mass, three hundred guests, buffet, flowers in church and at apartment for buffet and we paid the priests $20 each. Uh, we're still married. Don't see the connection between money, social status or anything else.

When? 1974?

My wife and I got married on "the cheap", about 16 guests, no church (did it in a National Reservation), dress, food for about $2000 to $2500.

Granted, can't say we'll stay married forever, but the last couple years have been real tough and we seem to be maturing with it.

Nope. 1965.

Hang in there maturing is a good thing.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

On the other hand, I dated my spouse for a year before we eloped at age 21 and spent all of $150 on our marriage license and the Justice of the Peace. We had no honeymoon at all, and we've been happily married for twenty years now.

That's just about us. About $300 plus whatever her parents paid for her dress (we never found out), the majority of that was our rings. Justice of the peace, no honeymoon. 26 years now.

 

[Emily Lake]

With no statistics to back this up, I would say that the key to a happy marriage is two-fold:

1) Don't expect the other person to change after you get married. They aren't a home improvement project. You know what they're like now. Don't marry them with some contingent expectation that you'll be able to "fix" whatever you don't like, because that's not going to happen. People are who they are. Either you love them enough to marry them or you don't.

2) Never have more than a framework for any long-term plans that you make. This works well for things outside of marriage, but it definitely cuts down on marital strife. Life happens, and there is randomness in the world. Opportunities arise, and change occurs that will destroy any detailed plans you have for how you're going to move to San Antonio in 3 years, then buy a Plantation style house and have 3 kids (two boys and a girl) and have one black lab and one corgie, and so on. Don't plan in such detail. Leave room to adapt, and be willing to do so.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Emily.

 

[Shadowy Man]

^^^^
This is very reasonable advice.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

With no statistics to back this up, I would say that the key to a happy marriage is two-fold:

1) Don't expect the other person to change after you get married. They aren't a home improvement project. You know what they're like now. Don't marry them with some contingent expectation that you'll be able to "fix" whatever you don't like, because that's not going to happen. People are who they are. Either you love them enough to marry them or you don't.

2) Never have more than a framework for any long-term plans that you make. This works well for things outside of marriage, but it definitely cuts down on marital strife. Life happens, and there is randomness in the world. Opportunities arise, and change occurs that will destroy any detailed plans you have for how you're going to move to San Antonio in 3 years, then buy a Plantation style house and have 3 kids (two boys and a girl) and have one black lab and one corgie, and so on. Don't plan in such detail. Leave room to adapt, and be willing to do so.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Emily.

Both of these are good advice. Life happens, trying to plan too much is a bad idea.

 

[Togo]

2) Never have more than a framework for any long-term plans that you make. This works well for things outside of marriage, but it definitely cuts down on marital strife. Life happens, and there is randomness in the world. Opportunities arise, and change occurs that will destroy any detailed plans you have for how you're going to move to San Antonio in 3 years, then buy a Plantation style house and have 3 kids (two boys and a girl) and have one black lab and one corgie, and so on. Don't plan in such detail. Leave room to adapt, and be willing to do so.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Emily.

Interesting point.

My wife and I work very much better together than we do apart, which helps. She's very much into the planning, and will make long elaborate plans for almost everything. And then I run the plans, and adapt them on the fly, because she tends to fall apart if any detail goes wrong. Which is why she had a seating plan spread sheet sorted out for our wedding 14 months before the ceremony, and why I got everyone seated when several people turned up without actually being invited.

 

[James Brown]

With no statistics to back this up, I would say that the key to a happy marriage is two-fold:

1) Don't expect the other person to change after you get married.

A man marries a woman, hoping she'll never change. But she always does.

A woman marries a man, hoping he'll change. But he never does.

(Old joke)

 

[Speakpigeon]

and the husband caving to the wife.

Yeah, cave man.
EB

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

38 years next year. All happy.

I didn't see anything in the data indicating how long the average marriage was. The study didn't make much sense to me. Seems like they were studying the wrong indicators. Maybe they needed to ask things like,"Did you know your spouse's SSN?"

 

[bilby]

38 years next year. All happy.

I didn't see anything in the data indicating how long the average marriage was. The study didn't make much sense to me. Seems like they were studying the wrong indicators. Maybe they needed to ask things like,"Did you know your spouse's SSN?"

I don't know Gmbteach's TFN; perhaps we should call the wedding off? Or should I search through her personal papers and memorise it to ensure a long marriage?

 

[fromderinside]

I don't know Gmbteach's TFN; perhaps we should call the wedding off? Or should I search through her personal papers and memorise it to ensure a long marriage?

marriages aren't about her or you or him or the other.
Marriage based on the compact of trust. Its all about negotiating from a position of trust. If your significant other senses you trust her she will tend to either take advantage of the freedom represented by that trust and, if she didn't before, begin to trust you too. Amazing how much two can achieve when the have each other's back.

 

[T.G.G. Moogly]

38 years next year. All happy.

I didn't see anything in the data indicating how long the average marriage was. The study didn't make much sense to me. Seems like they were studying the wrong indicators. Maybe they needed to ask things like,"Did you know your spouse's SSN?"

I don't know Gmbteach's TFN; perhaps we should call the wedding off? Or should I search through her personal papers and memorise it to ensure a long marriage?

If you have a close relationship you'll be required to learn things about each other that are mundane yet necessary to carry on a stable relationship. You can't get around it. There's nothing sexy or attractive about these things they're just necessary. That's what I was getting at. They're just indicators that you were never married singles.

 

[wally]

40 years so far. The second time. I had a fling or two and thought about leaving a time or two also. Realized it is "cheaper to keep her"

And I am finally old enough to not give a shit about doing much any more. And internet porn.

Wally

 

[Togo]

Marriage isn't a single type of relationship. There are lots of types of marriage. 'The Enchanted Pig' gives a number of examples, from the marriage of the Sun, which is dramatic, highly demonstrative, sexually charged, and public, through to the marriage of the North Wind, which consists mainly of people arguing with each other, but over a formidable loyalty and common purpose. I've seen marriages of people based on mutual interests, who do a great deal together, and tend to do everything as a joint effort, through to marriages of people who move in entirely different spheres and are only loosely allied to each other, who do everything with one person in charge and the other offering support.