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The Ark Has Bren Found and Jesus Blood is on it!

 
 
 
S

SLD

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This came up on my Facebook feed. Somebody says they found the ark in a cave underneath where Jesus was crucified. Not only that there was live blood on it. A trail of blood coming down from above. He took it back to the lab and it was still live! But dried. Hmmm. OK. And not only that there were only 23 chromosomes. Not 46.

It’s on the internet so it must be true.

Take that you heretic scum!
 
There's only one thing to do, and it must be done quickly. Well, actually more like 9 things.

1) Isolate JC's DNA, implant it in an ovum from Laura Loomer (she's 31, and hence a suitable bearer of the MAGA savior) and stuff the thing back in her.
2) Find 3 wise MAGA Magi somewhere -- I don't know where the hell you'll find them, but use Fox News anchors, if you must. They shall be the harbingers of the new MAGA babe.
3) The child shall be named Double Jesus Donald Trump-Loomer. For short, Dauphin Donald.
4) Teach Old Trump to differentiate between 'Dauphin' and 'Dolphin' or he'll forever be confused. (And the Dauphin must never travel to Yosemite.)
5) The child shall need a stepdad, who will traditionally be a virgin. Can't be Donald. I nominate Lindsey Graham.
6) Stock up on old Ernest Angley VHS tapes, so the child can learn how to perform miracles. ("Say Bay-bee!", etc.)
7) The child shall be HOME SCHOOLED (duh) by Loomer, Marjorie TG, Rudy G, and that's probably enough. OK, we'll add Mike Lindell for civics class.
8) First test of savior, age around 18: see if the Dauphin can transfer evil spirits from an epilectic into 2,000 MAGA rally attendees. Have a lake handy, nearby.
9) The child shall eventually lead what is left of western civ into its glorious destiny, in preparation for the Rapture. Selah, or however that goes.
 
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Just did a bit of googlin'. This is another breathless 'Stop the Presses!' claim from the deceased Ron Wyatt, who was sort of the Rona Barrett of creationists. He made over 100 archaeological 'discoveries', most famously, the supposed petrified Noah's Ark in Turkey, which actually looks more like a giant sedimentary rock vagina.
The ark in this blood of Jesus tale is the Ark of the Covenant. (I was trying to picture Jesus blood under Noah's Ark earlier today, and I couldn't get the story to track in my head.)
Ron has been dead for 25 years, but his tarradiddles obviously hit a sweet spot in the faithful and have had a lonnnnng shelf life.
 
I vaguely remember this.
In a cave hidden for thousands of years in Jerusalem, right underneath Golgotha. Jesus' blood dripped through a crack from the cross.
But then something happened and it was gone forever, leaving nothing but a new tour for Wyatt to sell to the true Believers.
Tom
 
You know, ounce for ounce, Jesus' blood was among the most valuable religious commodities in all of Europe, North Africa, and the Levant, for millennia. It's amazing no one ever thought to look under his cross until now.
 
According to wikipedia, in the Middle Ages, at least 18 churches in Europe claimed to have one of the most coveted relics in Christendom, the foreskin of Jesus. Dude was packin'.
 
ideologyhunter said:
According to wikipedia, in the Middle Ages, at least 18 churches in Europe claimed to have one of the most coveted relics in Christendom, the foreskin of Jesus. Dude was packin'.
Click to expand...
Years ago there was a gay, Christian, artist in Indianapolis. He kept depicting Jesus, hanging on the Cross, in agony and blood, nude, with a dick halfway to His knees.
His paintings brought some big bucks.
Tom
 
It is actually in Ethiopia in a church.

I know this because I saw it on show on the Story Channel.

Peron ally I think Israeli archeologists found it years ago and it is kept in secret.
 
Politesse said:
You know, ounce for ounce, Jesus' blood was among the most valuable religious commodities in all of Europe, North Africa, and the Levant, for millennia. It's amazing no one ever thought to look under his cross until now.
Click to expand...
I would think Jesus's blood is quite common, as in Catholic churches every week people consume it, via the miracle of transubstantiation which turns wine into his blood in essence.
 
I suppose the poop of Jesus could be considered Holy Shit.
 
Spacetime Inhabitant said:
Politesse said:
You know, ounce for ounce, Jesus' blood was among the most valuable religious commodities in all of Europe, North Africa, and the Levant, for millennia. It's amazing no one ever thought to look under his cross until now.
Click to expand...
I would think Jesus's blood is quite common, as in Catholic churches every week people consume it, via the miracle of transubstantiation which turns wine into his blood in essence.
Click to expand...
Even that "blood" is treated with meticulous care, as I recall.

I wonder how many gallons of divine blood are consumed on any given weekend?...
 
bilby said:
Wine and crackers are a bit pointless without cheese. I guess that the Vatican couldn't think of a non-repulsive part of Jesus that cheese could plausibly be transubstantiated to.
Click to expand...
Well the cracker is supposed to be the whole body, right? Minus the blood, which is the wine. So what could the cheese possibly be, given that all of Jesus is already consumed in this ritual? Cannibalism is already a bit repulsive, imo.
 
Before I clicked on this thread, I bet myself that Trump's name would show up somehow. I was not disappointed. In the second post, no less. :rolleyes:
 
What’s amazing about this claim is that it is from a nurse anesthetist, someone with medical training. Would he not realize that if Jesus only had half his chromosomes from his human mother, he wouldn’t have been a man? I mean he’d be seriously deformed at that.

And I’m assuming that the chromosomes came from white blood, but they don’t say. Red blood cells don’t have any DNA.
 
SLD said:
What’s amazing about this claim is that it is from a nurse anesthetist, someone with medical training. Would he not realize that if Jesus only had half his chromosomes from his human mother, he wouldn’t have been a man? I mean he’d be seriously deformed at that.

And I’m assuming that the chromosomes came from white blood, but they don’t say. Red blood cells don’t have any DNA.
Click to expand...
You forgot about miracles.
 
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