Date: 2029
Chicago -- Damages hearing, Epstein Victims Compensation Program v. Donald J. Trump
Judge Halsey: Damages are herewith set at 4.5 billion, to be accessed by public auction of resort properties and crypto sales.
Trump (jumps up, pushes his lawyer aside) This has been a witch hunt and you, judge, are a terrible judge and a terrible person. I have been persecuted more than Jesus Christ. I want to shit on all of you.
Judge Halsey: Quiet, piggy. Bailiff, restrain the defendant.
Trump: Get your goddamn hands off me. Are you a Mexican??
Bailiff: Quiet, piggy.
Date: 2031
The Hague -- summation of World v. Donald J. Trump
World Court President Yuji: You, Donald Trump, have been found guilty of international blackmail, collusion with mass murderers, collusion with Saudi bone-saw murderers, corruption and extortion and bribery such as the world has never seen, and felony loathsomeness.
Trump: What the fuck is your name. Yuji?? I can't even say your first name. (reads from index card) Iwa - Iwasas -- Iwahasha -- I'll spell it. I-w-a-s-a-w-a. What the hell is that? People made fun of covfefe, but that's unbelievable. You can't judge me with a name like that.
Yuji: Quiet, piggy.
Date: Not ascertained
Heaven, Purgatory Court, hearing room 7
Jehovah: Petitioner has presented several documents, which the court cannot credential as valid. Also an amicus curiae filing, signed "DLH", which is so garbled as to be unparseable. This court cannot accept anonymous filings. Also, TLDR, and that's putting it mildly.
Trump: You need to shut up. I have a suite picked out for me by some of our topflight TV preachers, and it has been paid for in advance.
Jehovah: Quiet, piggy. (nods to bouncer seraph) Time to earn your pay, seraph.
Date: Five minutes after purgatory hearing
Hell
Satan: This has been a long time coming, Donald.
Trump: You expect me to live here? Okay, I get it, torture chamber. But I want gold trimmings everywhere, and a gold chalice, and gold paint, and -- what's this, a rack? -- I want it to be gold.
Satan and assorted demons: Quiet, piggy.
Satan: You'll oink when we say.