• Welcome to the Internet Infidels Discussion Board.

Joke gallery

This one has some dust on it, but here goes:

The pall-bearers are carrying out a casket when they bump it against a wall. They hear a faint moan from inside, and when the lid is opened, the man is still alive. At the hospital, he makes a full recovery. He lives 15 more years and dies. Once again, the pall-bearers carry out the casket. This time the wife runs ahead of them and shouts, "Look out for the wall!"
 
Well, since we’re on old jokes, and it’s Christmas time.

God decides to take a vacation...​


So he goes to St. Peter to get some recommendations. God asks him where he should go and St. Peter says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."
God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."
So St. Peter says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."
God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
 
Tom is stuck with a blind date who barely says a word. They're walking on the carnival midway and he says, "What do you wanna do first, Wendy?"
She says, "I want to get weighed," so he takes her to the weight guesser, and this guy's guess is off by 5 pounds, so they win a dollar.
Then he takes her on the ferris wheel, where she doesn't say a word. When they get off, he says, "What now?"
She says, "I want to get weighed," and he goes, "But, we -- all right." They go to the weight guesser again, who of course gets her weight right, so they lose their dollar. Tom flashes her a dark look, and she flashes one back. He takes her to the bumper cars. When they're done, he asks if she wants to go to the concessions, but she says, "I want to get weighed." He thinks, I've got to get out of this, but he takes her to the guesser, they lose another dollar, he gives her an angry look, she returns it.
He thinks, I gotta get rid of this ewok. He says, "I just remembered, I have to get up early tomorrow. Let's beat it."
He drives her home, silently, shakes her hand at her door and says, "See you later."
She goes in and her roommate says, "So, how was the date?"
She waves her hand dismissively and says, "Oh, Winda, it was wousy!!"
 
Bob wakes up with a hangover. He's brewing some coffee when the doorbell rings. Outside is a young Jehovah's Witness, with the Bible and the magazines. He says, "Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior?"
Bob's defenses are down, so he says, "Okay...come in...have a seat." He pours out two cups of coffee and says, "Okay, so...what's this all about?"
The Witness says, "Beats the shit out of me. I've never gotten this far before."
 
A woman gets a call from her son's school. It's Mr. Conrad, the vocal music teacher, on the line. He says, "I'm calling to tell you, we think you have a junior Elvis Presley on your hands."
She says, "You don't mean it!"
Mr. Conrad says, "Well, yes. The janitor found him dead on the toilet."
 
Last edited:
I like parrot jokes, so here's another one.

A woman has a parrot that constantly swears at her. When she leaves the room, it says, "Where ya goin', bitch?" and when she comes back, it says, "Where ya been, bitch?" Obviously, for the sake of the joke, she complains to the pet store. The owner says, "Listen, I know a guy who trains these birds. I'll have him work with your bird. It'll take a while, but he'll reprogram your bird."
A few weeks later she returns. The pet store guy brings out her bird and says, "He's a completely new boy. You'll love having him around. Look here -- if you lift his left leg, he'll says a Bible verse. If you lift his right leg, he'll sing a Broadway show tune."
The woman says, "What happens if I lift both legs?"
The bird says, "Then I'd fall down, bitch!"
 
A married couple go to a restaurant. As they're starting on their drinks, a playful young woman steps over to their table, gives the husband a kiss, taps his lips and says, "I'll see you later, big boy."
The wife says, "Who the hell was that?" He says, "My mistress."
She says, "Oh, it was? Well, that's the last straw, big boy. We're getting a divorce."
He says, "Well, fine. And here's what will happen: we sell the house, the Lexus, the boat. You'll get half the dough, but it won't be enough for your shopping trips to Paris. And try hiring servants on half of our money. Try buying a pool and a tennis court on that. Oh, and you'll never stay at my parents' place in St. Barts again, ever."
Just then a neighbor of theirs walks in. Clinging to him is a young woman in a peasant blouse with most of her boobs showing.
The wife says, "Who's that woman with Jim?"
He says, "That's Jim's mistress."
She says, "Ours is prettier."
 
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
 
Three gals from Manhattan make a bar stop in Buckhannon, West Virginia. They get tanked, and they become so rowdy that the sheriff comes and throws them into the lockup. The next morning, he comes in with a pad of paper. He says, "Okay, Miss Martin. What you do for a living?" She says, "I'm a contemporary fashion model."
The sheriff says, "What in hell is that?"
She says, "I wear provocative clothes and get people to spend their money."
The sheriff says, "Whore!" and writes it down. "And you, Miss Sanchez, what you do?"
She says, "I'm a still photography model."
The sheriff says, "What in hell is that?"
She says, "Well, like Miss Martin, I wear minimal outfits and I get men to take my picture."
The sheriff says, "Whore!" and writes it down. "And now, Miss Phillips, what you do?"
She says, "Oh, just write down that I'm an escort."
The sheriff says, "What in hell is that?"
She says, "Okay...at night I put on gloves and tall boots and I go pretty much from lamp-post to lamp-post."
The sheriff squints at her, puts pencil to paper, and says, "Electrician!"
 
Last edited:
Here’s another parrot joke.

A woman returns a parrot to the pet store because it curses all the time. The manager says”Next time he curses to grab him, take to her refrigerator and shove in the freezer for s couple of minutes. That’ll cure him.”

She takes him home. She asks “Polly want a cracker?” The parrot replies “Fuck off”.

3 minutes later, the parrot is shivering when the woman asks “Are we going to have any more cursing”

The parrot answers “No Ma’am, but I hope you don’t mind me asking what that chicken did”
 
laughing dog said:
The parrot answers “No Ma’am, but I hope you don’t mind me asking what that chicken did”
Click to expand...
I heard that he had been more mild - saying Hell and damn, bitch etc
But when the lady came to get him out of the freezer, the parrot shivered “lllady! That b-b-bird in there! What did he say? Fuck?”
 
  • Like
Reactions: WAB
while we are doing parrot jokes....

A fellow thought his wife was cheating on him while he was away at work. A friend pointed him to a local pet shop to get a parrot to report in. He went down and explained the situation to the owner. He said, "I have just the parrot for you, but he has one problem."

The fellow asked, "What is the problem?"

"Well, he has a disability. He has no legs, but he compensates with his extremely long member. He wraps it around the perch to mimic sitting on the perch."

The fellow then interviewed the parrot and found he was extremely well spoken, so he paid the pet shop owner and went home with the parrot and a perch.

The first day back from work, he asked the parrot for a report. The parrot said, "Well boss, everything was quiet. The only person that came by was a UPS delivery person, but they rang the doorbell and left."

The fellow replied, "Well done, keep me informed."

The next day he came home and asked for another report. The parrot said, Well boss, I think your suspicions are true. An hour after you left, the poolboy dropped in. He peeled off your wife's top and started kissing and massaging her breasts.........."

The fellow says, "Yes .... and then what happened??"

"I don't know, I blacked out."

"You blacked out, how did you black out?"

The parrot then said, "I fell off my perch and hit my head!"
 
Another oldie.

Notre-Dame Cathedral is on fire. A crowd on the street watches as a terrified Quasimodo climbs up the building to escape the flames. They begin to shout, "Jump!" Quasi points backward with his thumb and screams: 'HUTTA HINKUS HUCKA HARA-HOO!" He climbs higher, but the flames are gaining on him.
Esmerelda joins the crowd, and she too shouts, "Quasi, jump! Jump!"
Quasimodo screams, "HUTTA HINKUS HUCKA HARA-HOO!"
Eventually the Middle Ages Fire Department arrives with a safety net. Quasi looks down, swallows hard, jumps, and they catch him. They carry him off to the hospital. The fire chief comes over to Esmerelda and says, "What was he shouting up there?"
Esmerelda says, "I'm pretty sure it was 'What do you think this is, a fuckin' parachute?'"
 
A father gets called into the principal's office at his son's school. The principal makes a dramatic flourish and puts a crack pipe in the middle of his desk. "We found this in his book bag," he says. "I asked him where he got it. He said he got it from his best friend."
The father's eyes well up with tears. "He said that?"
 
A truck driver stops at an intersection and a pretty young woman pulls up in the next lane. She motions him to roll down his window. She yells, "Hey! I'm Heather! I've been driving behind you for a couple of miles, and you're losing your load!!"
He says, "Yeah, hey. I'm Dale. It's snowing. This is a salt truck."
 
A new student starts his first morning with a stop at the principal's office. The principal shakes his hand and says, "And what is your name?"
The boy says, "M-m-m-m-m-matthew, sir."
The principal says, "Oh, I'm sorry, do you have a stutter?"
The boys says, "No, sir. My mom has one. And the guy who registered names was an asshole!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom