In my opinion, Trump spent too much time talking about male ass, both in my state and in NC, where neither of the pols he promoted are ahead. He's got one more night, and I think he needs to go full frontal. He's been there before, telling steamy stories about Arnold Palmer in the shower room. I think he should go on the air at 8 p.m. and just work his base into a lather over the phallic MAGA talent roster.
"I told you about Jon Husted's ass, how it's a pile of muscle, but I have since heard from many many people who showered with him that he's got one mighty baseball bat in front. It's big, it's veiny, and he will use it like a battering ram to knock the woke bastards out of Ohio for good.
"And Texas. Let's talk about Texas. Little Talarico doesn't have enough down there to get it out of his shorts when he takes a wee. He literally has to hunt for it. But Ken Paxton, my God, they say down in Texas that he's got a raging bull in his BVDs. You're not supposed to say that. That can end your career. But Ken has ploughed a lot of cowgirls, from Amarillo down to Brownsville, and each one of 'em is a satisfied customer.
"And my friend Mike Collins in Georgia -- he's up against little Jon Ossoff. That's what they call him, 'Little'. Let me tell you, Mike's packing one hell of a custard cannon. It's got veins like extension cords. It's a monster. It's got a head on it like the biggest strawberry you ever saw, on top of the biggest slice of chocolate cake you saw in your life. Georgia, you just gotta grab hold of it.
"In Virginia, we're rooting for General Bert, and I can't say his last name, but I'll try -- Matzubaba...no...Mitsubishi? Shit, no. Macarena? Natalie, what the hell is his name? Mizusawa, she says. Natalie, how big is his purple python? She's shaking her head, like she doesn't know what I mean. Folks, a vote for General Bert is a vote for his one-eyed cervix seeker. He will shoot loads all over your state. Loads of good old American values, and in the best color, white.
"Tonight you have a choice, America. You can go Democrat, which means you go back to old sleepy and very limp Joe Biden. Or you can join my movement, which is surging, muscular, juicy, hard as steel, and brings joy to the women. I love women. Just like I love black men. And you know what, we're winning already, you can hear those voting machines going MAGA, bing bong, bing bing bong."
(Music. President does grandpa boogie to 'YMCA'.)