-
Features
Things that make you laugh...
- Thread starter Angry Floof
- Start date
Don't quit your day job quite yet.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 38,805
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 38,805
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2007
- Messages
- 33,983
- Gender
- He/Him
- Basic Beliefs
- Strong Atheist
There's a sub-editor at the NYT who needs a raise.
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/22/science/moray-eels-eat-land.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/22/science/moray-eels-eat-land.html
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 38,805
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2007
- Messages
- 33,983
- Gender
- He/Him
- Basic Beliefs
- Strong Atheist
Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has been fined for breaching COVID-19 mask rules.
The reinstated Nationals leader was issued with a $200 fine by NSW Police for not wearing a mask while paying for petrol in Armidale.
Nine News reported Joyce was inside the petrol station for less than a minute, with a member of the public reporting the possible breach to Crime Stoppers. The fine was issued after police reviewed CCTV from the store.
- Australian Financial Review
The reinstated Nationals leader was issued with a $200 fine by NSW Police for not wearing a mask while paying for petrol in Armidale.
Nine News reported Joyce was inside the petrol station for less than a minute, with a member of the public reporting the possible breach to Crime Stoppers. The fine was issued after police reviewed CCTV from the store.
- Australian Financial Review
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
Heard a true story yesterday.
An anti-vaxxer who nevertheless was persuaded to get her COVID jab was heard to exclaim "... and I didn't even feel the microchip."
An anti-vaxxer who nevertheless was persuaded to get her COVID jab was heard to exclaim "... and I didn't even feel the microchip."
thebeave
Veteran Member
Heh. When I got my shot, I said to the injection lady, "Did the microchip go in?". She got a good chuckle out of that and then said, "There are no microchips in the vaccine!!".
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 38,805
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
Fox Weather Channel. Finally, we'll find out from a fair and balanced source just how much of our weather related natural disasters are caused by homosexuality! No more having to rely on lib- communist- Jew- Soros-controlled weather LIES.
Keith&Co.
Contributor
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2006
- Messages
- 22,444
- Location
- Far Western Mass
- Gender
- Here.
- Basic Beliefs
- I'm here...
Was just reminded of my one attempt at murder. Well, no. the OTHER attempt.
It was accidental. I only intended a prank.
A guy on the USS Hunley was a bit of a braggart, mouthy, always had been wherever you'd gone, done it better, and gotten a cheaper deal. Always had to top your story. We'll call him 'Dan.'
He always had to top your story. He did something to piss me off one duty day. I don't remember what. It was overshadowed by later events.
He had the 8pm to midnight shift on watch, so i had four hours to come up with a reply.
The back of Weapons Berthing had a ladderwell that descended from the mess decks above us to the freezer and dry stores levels below us. And racks were crammed into our berthing any which way, so the little 'stateroom' that Dan's rack was in had a bulkhead and a long walk to get around to this ladderwell.
There was a huge pile of weights there, which they used to balance the vertical conveyor belt used to load stores. Rather than put them in stowage, they just kicked them around until they ended up in our space. I also found a cargo net and some lines.
I took Dan's rack out of the bedpan. He had a top rack. I put the cargo net in the pan, the mattress back in place, tucked in the blanket, ran lines from the net, through the pipes in the overhead, down to the ladderwell. I had this idea that i could attach weights to the lines and when he was in the rack, it'd yank him into a cocoon, trapped.
It went much faster than i expected, so i spent a few hours there, in the dark, waiting for him to get relieved. Alone, bored.... Next to this pile of weights.
Thought maybe he would have the strength to push against the ropes. I added some weight.
Wasn't sure if there'd be enough force to actually move him. I added some weight.
It's been an hour. I added some weight.
He got relieved. Came down, found someone in the lounge watching TV. Shot the shit. I added some weight.
He took a shower. At this point, most of the weights were on the line. I figured, in for a penny....added all the weight.
Dan was short. Needed to take a running leap to get up into the top bunk, bouncing off the little steps and into Bunkie. I heard him, his feet slapping on the linoleum. Then he went up.
He said, later, that it was the only time in his life he experienced psychic powers. Something in his head said, "Stop." And he stopped.
That's the moment i heaved the weights balanced on the lip of the ladderwell down nto the hole.
Dan: And that's when God reached down and SNATCHED my bed away. Just, gone, man. Whooooosh!
Me: I watched this big striped lump squeeze through the pipes and shoot down into the dark hole of lower decks. Whoosh! Wham! Bang, bang, bang....Then silence.
I thought, "I've killed Dan."
I thought, "I am in so much trouble."
I thought, "How am i going to explain just how pissed i was to the Captain? Will he understand justifiable homicide?"
Then Dan got over his shock.
Dan: What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!?!?
I thought, "Oh. He's alive. Cool."
So i went to bed. Dan's wandering around berthing in his underwear at midnight, asking if anyone's seen his bunk. No one wanted to discuss it at that point in time.
Three or four days later, some of us were playing cards at the back table in berthing when two mess cooks showed up with this mangled bit of foam that used to be a mattress. "You guys know what this is?"
"Nope."
It was accidental. I only intended a prank.
A guy on the USS Hunley was a bit of a braggart, mouthy, always had been wherever you'd gone, done it better, and gotten a cheaper deal. Always had to top your story. We'll call him 'Dan.'
He always had to top your story. He did something to piss me off one duty day. I don't remember what. It was overshadowed by later events.
He had the 8pm to midnight shift on watch, so i had four hours to come up with a reply.
The back of Weapons Berthing had a ladderwell that descended from the mess decks above us to the freezer and dry stores levels below us. And racks were crammed into our berthing any which way, so the little 'stateroom' that Dan's rack was in had a bulkhead and a long walk to get around to this ladderwell.
There was a huge pile of weights there, which they used to balance the vertical conveyor belt used to load stores. Rather than put them in stowage, they just kicked them around until they ended up in our space. I also found a cargo net and some lines.
I took Dan's rack out of the bedpan. He had a top rack. I put the cargo net in the pan, the mattress back in place, tucked in the blanket, ran lines from the net, through the pipes in the overhead, down to the ladderwell. I had this idea that i could attach weights to the lines and when he was in the rack, it'd yank him into a cocoon, trapped.
It went much faster than i expected, so i spent a few hours there, in the dark, waiting for him to get relieved. Alone, bored.... Next to this pile of weights.
Thought maybe he would have the strength to push against the ropes. I added some weight.
Wasn't sure if there'd be enough force to actually move him. I added some weight.
It's been an hour. I added some weight.
He got relieved. Came down, found someone in the lounge watching TV. Shot the shit. I added some weight.
He took a shower. At this point, most of the weights were on the line. I figured, in for a penny....added all the weight.
Dan was short. Needed to take a running leap to get up into the top bunk, bouncing off the little steps and into Bunkie. I heard him, his feet slapping on the linoleum. Then he went up.
He said, later, that it was the only time in his life he experienced psychic powers. Something in his head said, "Stop." And he stopped.
That's the moment i heaved the weights balanced on the lip of the ladderwell down nto the hole.
Dan: And that's when God reached down and SNATCHED my bed away. Just, gone, man. Whooooosh!
Me: I watched this big striped lump squeeze through the pipes and shoot down into the dark hole of lower decks. Whoosh! Wham! Bang, bang, bang....Then silence.
I thought, "I've killed Dan."
I thought, "I am in so much trouble."
I thought, "How am i going to explain just how pissed i was to the Captain? Will he understand justifiable homicide?"
Then Dan got over his shock.
Dan: What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!?!?
I thought, "Oh. He's alive. Cool."
So i went to bed. Dan's wandering around berthing in his underwear at midnight, asking if anyone's seen his bunk. No one wanted to discuss it at that point in time.
Three or four days later, some of us were playing cards at the back table in berthing when two mess cooks showed up with this mangled bit of foam that used to be a mattress. "You guys know what this is?"
"Nope."
skepticalbip
Contributor
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2004
- Messages
- 7,304
- Basic Beliefs
- Everything we know is wrong (to some degree)
Does this mean that Dan topped you again?
.. You have an aptitude for cleaver pranks.
.. Dan has psychic abilities to defeat your pranks.
.. You have an aptitude for cleaver pranks.
.. Dan has psychic abilities to defeat your pranks.
Elixir
Made in America
.. You have an aptitude for cleaver pranks.
I think an actual cleaver prank may have gotten the job done...
hurtinbuckaroo
Veteran Member
.. You have an aptitude for cleaver pranks.
I think an actual cleaver prank may have gotten the job done...
Would have been a lot simpler.
Keith&Co.
Contributor
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2006
- Messages
- 22,444
- Location
- Far Western Mass
- Gender
- Here.
- Basic Beliefs
- I'm here...
I wouldn't think so.
For one thing, i never told anyone about my involvement until about ten yesrs and four commands later. So there was nothing TO top.
And his wasn't a 'topper' anecdote. Just an unsatisfying mystety, 'this one time, in Berthing...and we never found my rack again."
i honestly feel the most important part is not being clever...anyone can play 'it would be funny, if...' The rare quality is actually doing something.
i think it's more of a guardian angel sort of thing. Other pranks went right past his defenses. But she put her celestial foot down on high speed vertical bludgeoning....
Keith&Co.
Contributor
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2006
- Messages
- 22,444
- Location
- Far Western Mass
- Gender
- Here.
- Basic Beliefs
- I'm here...
So, at the Eye Doctor, waiting to see if the Glaucoma Specialist has any argument with the Ophthalmologist.
First time i've ever been in this exam room. It's the one thry see ittty bittty kids in. So there's a teddy bear.
I observe, aloud, 'There's a teddy bear on that shelf!'
Nurse agrees and starts to explain how thry use the toy to assess the visionnnof vety young kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "What's his name?"
She looks at me weird. "It...doesn't, um, have a name. It's a diagnostic tool, not someone's, um, friend."
I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'
She tries to nonchalantly look at my chart. Figured i would save her the math. "Yeah, I'm 58."
First time i've ever been in this exam room. It's the one thry see ittty bittty kids in. So there's a teddy bear.
I observe, aloud, 'There's a teddy bear on that shelf!'
Nurse agrees and starts to explain how thry use the toy to assess the visionnnof vety young kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "What's his name?"
She looks at me weird. "It...doesn't, um, have a name. It's a diagnostic tool, not someone's, um, friend."
I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'
She tries to nonchalantly look at my chart. Figured i would save her the math. "Yeah, I'm 58."