Things that make you laugh...

[Keith&Co.]

Who's on first?

You know, i came home to the wife, and mentioned the married couple, and said i was thinking about changing my name.
Her: To what?
Me: I Changed My Name.
Her: (silence, with....THAT look. And after a pause) "Who's on first, asshole."

 

[hyzer]

Who's on first?

You know, i came home to the wife, and mentioned the married couple, and said i was thinking about changing my name.
Her: To what?
Me: I Changed My Name.
Her: (silence, with....THAT look. And after a pause) "Who's on first, asshole."

So I’m in a meeting at work in which the client keeps going around the same questions, getting the same answers from the professionals in the room, and the professionals are making the same considered recommendations - but the client can’t commit. . . . After an hour of this when the head of the client group brought up his same original question again, I straightened up and said “we have achieved third base.” ….. fortunately enough people laughed and I was able to move on to a summary of action items (all in the client’s basket).

 

[Thomas II]

 

[Keith&Co.]

We have a new initiative in Strategic Systems. The Four Pillars. Concepts to help keep things in mind so the fleet doesn't keep screwing things up. Tools left in missiles, doors not bolted down, security violated, and people opening panels just to see what's inside them, interrupting monitoring power to nuclear weapons....

So, we got tasked with writing the introductory lesson. Meaning me.
One of th e pillars is basically learning from other's mistakes.
The three main resources are
) various collections of Lessons Learned, detailing trends and problems in the fleet
) Trouble and Failure Reports, (TFRs) which document specific problems in hardware, software, procedures, etc., and how the crew resolved the issue
) Strat Weapons System Personnel Incident Reports (SWSPIRs), which describe dumbshit decisions some sailor made to try his best to kill himself, or others, or otherwise forgot everything he knew about safety, security, gravity, electrical flow, water pressure, procedural compliance, whatever.

Anyway, i needed a graphic for that pillar. Found this.

Show

Named, from left to right, "Lessons Learned", "TFRs", and "SWSPIRs."

The formal name of the pillar is Critical Assessment, so i named the graphic '4pill_SWSASS.jpg'

I just wanted to make my immediate superiors laugh. Handed it in Thursday, had a doctor appt Friday, expected to get feedback on Monday.
They approved my storyboard and sent it further up the chain for approval. They sent a copy to another contractor, so he could write his manager-level training, seeing what we covered.
ONE person questioned using the word 'ASS' in the title, my leaders defended it, as it's only a working title. The students will just see it on screen in the computer based training, not knowing the name.

All week, i kept waiting for feedback. Nothing. But we were busy, so maybe mine was a backburnered project?

Thursday, they finally thought to say, "Oh, yeah! Good job on the 4 pillar thing."

"Oh, thanks... Even the dragons?"

"The. What?"

Honestly, it's been 20 years. They shouldn't take anything i do for granted.... There's a re ason nothing i do goes directly to the customer...ever.

 

[Keith&Co.]

My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.

 

[Angry Floof]

Watching this video of an American comedian using an "Australian" accent, and I'm screaming inside that tHaT's a nEw zEaLaNd AcCeNt NoT aUsTraLiAn!!!!1111!!!

but thank fuck I was able to hold myself back from utilizing the comments section where the important opinions go until the video was over.

 

[Patooka]

My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.

The upside is you now have immunity if the "you never listen" accusation ever comes up.

 

[Keith&Co.]

My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.

The upside is you now have immunity if the "you never listen" accusation ever comes up.

Sure. Because winning an argument is always worth another night on the sofa....

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, Dad was telling me about the first year of being married. His mother was very competitive with my mother.
They got married, went on a honeymoon, Grandma made Grandpa take her on a vacation two states farther away.
They moved into a trailer, Grandma redecorated her living room.
They got a puppy, Grandma got a purebred.
They got a new washer, Grandma redecorated her laundry room.
Dad said, "We started to joke, what the hell is she going to do if we get pregnant?" He laughed, i laughed...
"Wait a minute," I said. "I'm the oldest. Did you have me just to call her bluff?!?!"

He hemmed and hawed, promised he loved me, i should never doubt his feelings for me, and we've both outlived her, so what did it matter. All that crap.
I kept asking. You just cannot turn your back on my father.

Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'






....She bought a new car. A LUXURY car, Dad assured me. I should feel proud.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I submitted the 4 Pillars Training unit.
I included a picture i got off the internet. A generic graphic of 4 greek pillars holding up a roof.
I included instructions for the Developer to use their art department to create something LIKE this. Whip something up, based on this, like this, similar to this. But not THIS.

Two days later, my boss gets a call. They needed to point out that the image i submitted was copyright protected.
I know this. He knows this. We all are on the same page. That's why i expected them to use this merely as a guide....

My boss, who reviewed my submittal, pulls a copy up and READS THE DEVELOPER NOTE to THE DEVELOPER.
"Oh, yeah, cool, we can do that. Just wanted to say, if you guys were really committed to this image there's a problem..."

This would be really annoying if we were the ones who developed the Developer Note' box. But THE DEVELOPER created that box and instructions for its use and ignores it EVERY GODDAMNED TIME. So it's really REALLY really annoying....

 

[skepticalbip]

Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'

Hey, you, at least, had a planned purpose and your mom's revelation didn't elicit an, "Oh shit, you're WHAT", from your dad.

On the down side, you apparently served your purpose quite a while ago.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'

Hey, you, at least, had a planned purpose and your mom's revelation didn't elicit an, "Oh shit, you're WHAT", from your dad.

On the down side, you apparently served your purpose quite a while ago.

PEAKED, six months before birth. Yep. Which does mean i can retire at any time....

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, it has come to my attention that i have lost ALL patience with the developers of my company's training products.

The last storyboard i submitted, i was terse. Very specific. I tried to be very clear about exactly what i wanted on screen and what they were allowed to change, and what needed to be exact. I made some choices that were actually theirs to make. I submitted power points of how the test question should be arranged.

I went through before submitting it and removed explicit phrases of 'listen closely, morons,' and 'If you imbeciles can read.' Because i got manners and shit. But the mood of the piece is rather condescending.

Anyway, it's been received at the other end. My boss said, "I got great feedback on your storyboard. (Person) said you did a great job on the directions, made his job really easy. Clear, concise, very useful."
"Oh. That bit where i talked to them like they can't be allowed out with anything sharper than a bowling ball? They....liked that?"
"Evidently. Keep it up!"

"......................I think i can do that."

 

[George S]

So, it has come to my attention that i have lost ALL patience with the developers of my company's training products.

The last storyboard i submitted, i was terse. Very specific. I tried to be very clear about exactly what i wanted on screen and what they were allowed to change, and what needed to be exact. I made some choices that were actually theirs to make. I submitted power points of how the test question should be arranged.

I went through before submitting it and removed explicit phrases of 'listen closely, morons,' and 'If you imbeciles can read.' Because i got manners and shit. But the mood of the piece is rather condescending.

Anyway, it's been received at the other end. My boss said, "I got great feedback on your storyboard. (Person) said you did a great job on the directions, made his job really easy. Clear, concise, very useful."
"Oh. That bit where i talked to them like they can't be allowed out with anything sharper than a bowling ball? They....liked that?"
"Evidently. Keep it up!"

"......................I think i can do that."

And Keith will do it with a certain style. Keep us posted.

 

[bilby]

A friend of mine just posted this on Facebook. She didn't make the post public, so shall remain anonymous; But this is absolutely in character for her.

I swore mildly at the gym today (my excuse was an unexpected stabby pain). I apologised to by trainer immediately but he laughed and said “no-one’s here so it’s okay. What’s your favourite swear word?”

So I told him.

Apparently that _wasn’t_ the thing to do and he said “oh, you just went right there, didn’t you”

Now I have to find a new personal trainer

As I left I yelled “See you next Tuesday” which didn’t make things any less awkward.

As another friend commented, perhaps she should get an Australian trainer.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

 

[Elixir]

Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

Do all your coworkers eat stupid pills?

 

[Keith&Co.]

Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

Do all your coworkers eat stupid pills?

You know, everyone has one of Those Days. But not everyone NOTICES. Or comments. This is a service i grant.

A few towns over from here, a cemetery has a grave marker that depicts someone kneeling before Jesus, head in his lap. It really looks like a cut scene from Pornhub, actually. Known to schoolchildren through the Berkshires as the Fellating Jesus gravemarker.
They were discussing it at work. The people that grew up around here trying to convince the moved-in people that it was real.
One guy thought it was a cemetery decoration. Boss insisted it was an actual headstone.
I commented that it was very adult, the way he did NOT snicker at calling it a 'head' stone. I was surprised no one else made the connection....

 

[Keith&Co.]

But speaking of stupid pills....

We're working on a long project. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet. If you start working a particular section, you put your name in the A column, highlight it in yellow (blue when we're done, green when it's reviewed, red for whattheholyshit).

Today, at one point, i typed 'Yellow' in the block and went looking all through the pulldown for the 'keith' color to highlight it...

….as the rest of the team watched on the shared screen....

 

[Elixir]

But speaking of stupid pills....

We're working on a long project. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet. If you start working a particular section, you put your name in the A column, highlight it in yellow (blue when we're done, green when it's reviewed, red for whattheholyshit).

Today, at one point, i typed 'Yellow' in the block and went looking all through the pulldown for the 'keith' color to highlight it...

….as the rest of the team watched on the shared screen....

That is the kind of ... uh ... mislexia? that I can identify with!