How many times, when putting on chapstick, have you thought to yourself, Well, this is swell, but it doesn’t quite feel as tailored to my lip-moistening needs since I’m a Libra?
At least a million times, probably! Or none. Either way, Susan Miller, who like all other astrologers is an “astrologer to the stars,” has her very own line of lip balms now, all of which cost $26 — a completely normal price for chapstick.
The line is a “collaboration’ with Fresh, and each tube has a label on it with the astrological sign of one’s choice. What Miller did, exactly, to “collaborate” is a mystery. What insight, exactly, might an astrologer have into the world of lip balm? (And not just any lip balm, mind you, but $26 “personalized” lip balm which is more expensive, somehow, than Fresh’s $18 non-zodiac lip balm.) Are the ingredients specially tailored to the movement of the planets? Is it possible that Leos are more likely to get chapped than Tauruses and require a more serious lip moisturizing regimen? Do Pisces prefer a cherry flavoring? Is there a sign that’s more prone to want that gross Dr. Pepper-flavored Lip Smackers one?
What wonders will we discover in this new line of products you didn’t know you needed because you don’t?!
TWIST! None. You will find no wonders at all. All the chapsticks are the exact same chapstick. There is no difference between any of them. They are all completely interchangeable, except for the label on the outside — which actually sounds like a rather profound statement on the pseudoscience of astrology, though it’s doubtful this was the intention.
