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Humorous Metaphors

I have a headache that could make a Brahma bull stab himself in the eye with a branding iron
 
"An army marches on its stomach."

"A simile is a metaphor, but a metaphor is like a simile."

I love extended metaphors. Consider the one in Lincoln's poem: "... brought forth ... a new nation ... conceived ... dedicated ... new birth ..."

"As useless as a weasel in a cardboard shirt." -Scott Adams

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

And, for an example of Homeric simile, we have Christopher Logue:

See an East African lion
Nose tip to tail tuft ten, eleven feet
Slouching towards you
Swaying its head from side to side
Doubling its pace, its gold-black mane
That stretches down its belly to its groin
Catching the sunlight as it hits
Twice its own length a beat, then leaps
Great forepaws high great claws disclosed
The scarlet insides of its mouth
Parting a roar as loud as sail-sized flames
And lands, slam-scattering the herd.

"That is how Hector came on us."
Click to expand...
 
Falstaff makes the mistake of asking Prince Henry for the time of day:

Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack
and unbuttoning thee after supper and sleeping upon
benches after noon, that thou hast forgotten to
demand that truly which thou wouldst truly know.
What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the
day? Unless hours were cups of sack and minutes
capons and clocks the tongues of bawds and dials the
signs of leaping-houses and the blessed sun himself
a fair hot wench in flame-coloured taffeta, I see no
reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand
the time of the day.
Click to expand...
 
Metaphor, simile ... who cares? This thread's the bee's knees, anyway. It's the cat's pyjamas, the dog's bollocks.

It's the top ...

Cole Porter said:
At words poetic, I'm so pathetic
That I always have found it best,
Instead of getting 'em off my chest,
To let 'em rest unexpressed,
I hate parading my serenading
As I'll probably miss a bar,
But if this ditty is not so pretty
At least it'll tell you
How great you are.

You're the top!
You're the Coliseum.
You're the top!
You're the Louvre Museum.
You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss
You're a Bendel bonnet,
A Shakespeare's sonnet,
You're Mickey Mouse.
You're the Nile,
You're the Tower of Pisa,
You're the smile on the Mona Lisa
I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop,
But if, baby, I'm the bottom you're the top!

Your words poetic are not pathetic.
On the other hand, babe, you shine,
And I can feel after every line
A thrill divine
Down my spine.
Now gifted humans like Vincent Youmans
Might think that your song is bad,
But I got a notion
I'll second the motion
And this is what I'm going to add;

You're the top!
You're Mahatma Gandhi.
You're the top!
You're Napoleon Brandy.
You're the purple light
Of a summer night in Spain,
You're the National Gallery
You're Garbo's salary,
You're cellophane.
You're sublime,
You're turkey dinner,
You're the time of a Derby winner,
I'm a toy balloon that's fated soon to pop
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!

You're the top!
You're an arrow collar
You're the top!
You're a Coolidge dollar,
You're the nimble tread
Of the feet of Fred Astaire,
You're an O'Neill drama,

You're Whistler's mama!

You're camembert.

You're a rose,
You're Inferno's Dante,

You're the nose
On the great Durante.
I'm just in a way,
As the French would say, "de trop".
But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!

You're the top!
You're a dance in Bali.
You're the top!
You're a hot tamale.
You're an angel, you,
Simply too, too, too diveen,
You're a Botticelli,
You're Keats,
You're Shelley!

You're Ovaltine!
You're a boom,
You're the dam at Boulder,
You're the Moon,
Over Mae West's shoulder,
I'm the nominee of the G.O.P.

Or GOP!

But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!

You're the top!
You're a Waldorf salad.
You're the top!
You're a Berlin ballad.
You're the boats that glide
On the sleepy Zuider Zee,
You're an old Dutch master,

You're Lady Astor,
You're broccoli!
You're romance,
You're the steppes of Russia,
You're the pants, on a Roxy usher,
I'm a broken doll, a fol-de-rol, a blop,

But if, baby, I'm the bottom,
You're the top!
Click to expand...

Now that's what I call metaphor!
 
I thought i metaphor the other day, turned out she was just easy. As easy as a binary sudoku puzzle.
 
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"

--------
Dougal McAngus: Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.
--------
King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
--------
Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Percy: Yes, that's her.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?
--------
Blackadder: [seeing Percy's abnormally wide new neckruff] You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually. And as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
--------
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!
-------------
Blackadder: You really are as thick as clotted cream, that's been left out by some clot, until the clots are so clotted up you couldn't un-clot them with an electric de-clotter. Aren't you, Baldrick?

--------
Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.
Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?
Blackadder: Yes, it is.
Baldrick: Mm... That's cunning!
 
My first chief used to threaten us that he would 'beat you(y'all) like baby seal(s).'

I tried to find an authentic baby seal club to present to him when he retired, but the fur companies never wrote back and PETA just asked for money.
 
I just remembered an aftertnoon's attempt to dredge the depths of the phrase: As useless as: (it was time for our annual evaluations, you see, and i was trying to avoid promotion to a management position).

As useless as:

A knitted fire extinguisher.
A cotton candy golf club.
Coal-powered lingerie.
Pasta headphones.
A water soluble pier.
A gravy lock pick.
Wax CD’s.
A concrete wallet.
Teflon sandpaper.
A tick-removal chainsaw.
Wooden socks.
An airport made out of honey.
 
Keith&Co. said:
I just remembered an aftertnoon's attempt to dredge the depths of the phrase: As useless as: (it was time for our annual evaluations, you see, and i was trying to avoid promotion to a management position).

As useless as:


A water soluble pier.
Click to expand...

Might work on Titan.
 
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