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Humorous Metaphors

Reading this thread has left me as full of information as the dog that pissed on the third rail.

I would have joined in earlier, but all this talk of metaphor left me as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory, because all I have is similes. I had more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.

As we all know, metaphors are like gold-dust, where as similes are a pile of crap.
 
We have a pastor near here who gives out more useless advice than a fortune cookie delivery truck on a bumpy road.

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I'm not saying the Senator's old-fashioned, but when he heard that the state was debating an official State Fossil, he asked when the ceremony was and if he was expected to give an acceptance speech.
 
He touched the wire, then he lit up like a 1st-level cleric casting a Detect Evil spell on Satan's Used Condom.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
bilby said:
Reading this thread has left me as full of information as the dog that pissed on the third rail.
Click to expand...

Dogs get information by sniffing, not pissing!
Click to expand...

Not necessarily.

A guy I was in college with went on to a job as an engineer for a local council in the UK. Being the most junior engineer on the team, he was stuck with the graveyard 'on-call' duty, and one morning at about 4am, a call came in from a member of the public, which went something like this:

Old lady: Hello, I want to report that the street lamp outside my house is glowing.
Engineer: Yes, madam, that is normal during the hours of darkness
Old lady: No, no, I don't mean the lamp is glowing; the whole lamp post is glowing red.
Engineer: Oh, I see. There must be some kind of short circuit that is flowing to ground through the metal post. I will get a repair crew out there as soon as possible. In the mean time, please could you make sure nobody touches, or goes too close to the post, it could be very dangerous, and they could get a nasty shock.
Old lady: I know. My poodle already found out.
 
bilby said:
Loren Pechtel said:
bilby said:
Reading this thread has left me as full of information as the dog that pissed on the third rail.
Click to expand...

Dogs get information by sniffing, not pissing!
Click to expand...

Not necessarily.

A guy I was in college with went on to a job as an engineer for a local council in the UK. Being the most junior engineer on the team, he was stuck with the graveyard 'on-call' duty, and one morning at about 4am, a call came in from a member of the public, which went something like this:

Old lady: Hello, I want to report that the street lamp outside my house is glowing.
Engineer: Yes, madam, that is normal during the hours of darkness
Old lady: No, no, I don't mean the lamp is glowing; the whole lamp post is glowing red.
Engineer: Oh, I see. There must be some kind of short circuit that is flowing to ground through the metal post. I will get a repair crew out there as soon as possible. In the mean time, please could you make sure nobody touches, or goes too close to the post, it could be very dangerous, and they could get a nasty shock.
Old lady: I know. My poodle already found out.
Click to expand...

:hysterical:
 
It's okay, I understand the difference and have already apologized for my gaffe. I'd use my super-mod powers for personal gain by changing the thread title and my OP to hide my shame if my personal sense of ethics wasn't a lighthouse beacon on a mountaintop (that's a metaphor). As it stands the shame of my grammatical faux-pas is going to stick around like a kid with his tongue frozen to a flagpole (that's a simile). Oh well, I can take it. I'm tougher than a two dollar steak.
 
The Creationist stopped at the door to the museum, smiling at all the children like a cat that had discovered the wheelchair ward of the mouse hospital.
 
Atheos said:
It's okay, I understand the difference and have already apologized for my gaffe. I'd use my super-mod powers for personal gain by changing the thread title and my OP to hide my shame if my personal sense of ethics wasn't a lighthouse beacon on a mountaintop (that's a metaphor). As it stands the shame of my grammatical faux-pas is going to stick around like a kid with his tongue frozen to a flagpole (that's a simile). Oh well, I can take it. I'm tougher than a two dollar steak.
Click to expand...

You are a Prince!
 
When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
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More frustrated than a librarian chasing a howler monkey carrying a bullhorn through Periodicals.
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More terse than a chili cook-off judge who needs to borrow a quarter for the pay toilets.
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Swears like a sailor shifting a carrier's berth upriver, by hand, during a thunderstorm.
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More useless than the Gideon Bible in the dresser of a whorehouse bedroom.
 
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