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Humorous Metaphors

Atheos

Atheos

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A witty response without a great metaphor is as worthless as a vampire marooned on an island with nothing but turnips. I'll be hanging around here like a fart in a phone booth hoping to hear some new ones to add to my repertoire.
 
I hope you don't have to hang around too long. If i recall correctly you've got the attention span of a lit firecracker.
 
Atheos said:
A witty response without a great metaphor is as worthless as a vampire marooned on an island with nothing but turnips. I'll be hanging around here like a fart in a phone booth hoping to hear some new ones to add to my repertoire.
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These are similes. Similes are the speed bumps of poetry. Metaphors are the fast lane.
 
"She walked through my door like a tigress walks into a Burmese orphanage — strawberry blonde and legs for hours. No dame her age could afford a coat like that, and the kinda makeup she had on gave me a good idea how she got it. She had bad news written on her like October of '29."
 
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Bronzeage said

These are similes. Similes are the speed bumps of poetry. Metaphors are the fast lane.
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Second that.

And, except for what he said, still not a metaphor in sight in this simile-strewn desert... :)
 
She blew into my life like a tornado looking for a trailer park. I asked her if we'd metaphore, and she said no, she'd have remembered, 'cause I was making her as nervous as a spinster in a barrel full of dicks. I told her I was taken, and she sneered "well ain't you about as useless as tits on a boar hog!" She was a real witch, that one.
 
Davka said:
She blew into my life like a tornado looking for a trailer park. I asked her if we'd metaphore, and she said no, she'd have remembered, 'cause I was making her as nervous as a spinster in a barrel full of dicks. I told her I was taken, and she sneered "well ain't you about as useless as tits on a boar hog!" She was a real witch, that one.
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I thought it was as useful as tits on a bull, or showering with a raincoat on. :D
 
one of my favorite similes:

"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk."

"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"

"You ask a glass of water."
​
 
Many times, a thumper appears in a skeptic or atheist forum, and when his preaching is not taken at face value, he likens his words as throwing 'pearls before swine.'
One poster retorted:
These gumballs you toss are by no means pearls. They are hollow, fragile and totally lacking in any nutritional value, mental or otherwise
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All this bickering over metaphor vs simile is as pointless as a life raft made of alka-seltzer. I'm as sorry as a puppy who just dug up a yellowjacket nest for my gaffe in the OP. Meanwhile, keep 'em coming; this shit's got me grinnin' like a mule eatin' briars!
 
My personal favorite is "as happy as an old dog in a room full of kittens" mostly because you can interpret it in a sweet and innocent way, or a horrifying violent way.

Lately I've been using "as dumb as a Texas Republican" a lot.
 
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