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So there's this nun, and she gets stranded a looooooong way from her convent (don't ask how, it'd only spoil the story). After weighing up the situation, she reaches the conclusion that the only way to get home is to hitch a lift. So she stands at the side of the road with her thumb out, waiting for someone to stop.
Shortly thereafter, a car draws up beside her, and the driver winds down his window and asks where she wants to go. Having established that her convent is in the general direction of his own destination, the driver opens the door for her, and in she gets, whereupon they start off on the long drive conventwards.
After a few hours drive, they reach a service station, and the driver proposes stopping there for a bite of breakfast. "Oh, no,"says the nun. "Because of my vow of poverty, I have no money, so I couldn't possibly buy myself breakfast." "No problem," says the driver. "I'll buy you breakfast ... but it'll cost you, if you know what I mean ..."
So they have breakfast and drive on. An hour or two further along, feeling the pangs of conscience, the driver sheepishly asks, "What will you tell the Mother Superior when you get back to the convent?" The nun says, "Well, I shall simply tell her that I accepted a lift in good faith form what turned out to be a wicked man who had his way with me twice."
"Twice? says the driver. "But it only happened once!"
"Oh, I know," says the nun ... "But we are going to have lunch, aren't we?"
 
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?
 
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?
I told this to my wife, and she said: I hope someone nips this in the bud. It's getting worse! Not that it started out well, that is.

lol
 
A destroyer is anchored off Hawaii, waiting for thrir tasxk force to form up. Further out to sea, a cruiser was conducting gunnery drills. The Signals division was on the side of the bridge, admiring the barrel flashes against the sunset.
The Signals officer saw the fladhes, assumed it was a message being sent, and ran to the bridge.
"Whst are they saying?"e he asked as he burst out the hatch.
The signalmen looked at each other, then the first turned to the Ensign and said, "They say, 'Boom! Boom! Boom!"
 
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”;
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 
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