Joke gallery

[ideologyhunter]

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods. They trip over a genie's lamp, and the genie appears and says, "You two are just critters, but you still get 3 wishes." He points to the bear and says, "You first."
The bear scratches his head and says, "Turn all the bears in the woods into shapely females!"
The genie turns to the mouse, who says, "I want a motor scooter in my size."
The bear is next. He thinks for a long time and says, "Okay, make every bear in this whole friggin country into shapely females!"
The mouse says, "For my second wish, I want a riding helmet that will fit my little head."
The bear grins and says, "And for my final wish, oh hell, just make every bear in the world into a shapely female!"
The mouse gets on his scooter, says, "Make the bear gay!" and rides away.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Two friends who haven't seen each other in years meet on the street. Joe says, "So how's the wife?"
Stan says, "Well, Janie died last year."
Joe says, "Oh my God, what happened?"
Stan says, "Well, she was going down to the basement to get some potatoes for dinner, when she tripped on the first step. She fell head over heels all the way to the bottom."
Joe says, "My God, what did you do?"
Stan says, "Well, I phoned for some Chinese takeout."

 

[ideologyhunter]

Woman sees a parrot in an animal shelter. The staff warns her that it grew up in a whorehouse, but she says, "I'm sure we'll still love this little guy," and she buys it. As soon as she's home and sets the cage down, the bird shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse!!", and she bursts out laughing.
Her two daughters come home from school, and the bird flaps its wings and shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse, brand new whores!!" All three of them laugh until they hurt.
The dad comes home from work, and the parrot, all excited, shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse! Same old Tom!!"

 

[SLD]

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[ideologyhunter]

Two salesmen, Ed and Tom, are out in the country when their car breaks down. Can you imagine? They spot a mansion in the distance and hike over to it. A sharp-looking widow meets them at the door and hears their story. She says, "Well, I can't let you stay outside overnight. I have two guest rooms, and they are yours for the night."
A year later, both guys get to the office and Ed says, "Remember that night we stayed at that fancy house with the widow lady?"
Tom says, "Sure."
Ed says, "That night, did you sneak downstairs to her bedroom?"
Tom pauses and says, "Yeah..."
Ed says, "And did you leave the light off?"
Tom says, "Yes."
Ed says, "And did you use my name?"
Tom says, "How do you know all this? Did she blab?"
Ed says, "No, she died. She has me in her will, with a thank you for an incredible night. She left me her estate."