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Joke gallery

 
 
 
ZiprHead said:
My wife asked me to pass her her lipstick. I gave her the kids glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.
Click to expand...
There is pretty funny tape out there of Art Bell telling the story of how, during a commercial break in his show, tried to fix a broken cart stack with a stick of superglue, opening the top with his mouth and gluing his lips together.
 
Three cowboys are eatin' beans around the campfire. Suddenly, from out on the lone prairie, a drumbeat starts. They sit up straight and lock eyes. One of them says, "I don't like the sound o' them drums, pardners."
A shrill Indian voice calls out from the darkness: "He's not our regular drummer!"
 
It's not a joke. These are two poems, songs, chants, or what have you, that are and have been relevant to my life; to my marriage (from 1993 to 2017). Important life rules.

See, if I or my late spouse had ever encountered bathroom-related obstacles (had we ever!), we'd briefly summarize our problem based on these poems/songs. I was an opiate medicine-taking person for most of those years, which I mention since it contributed to a problem I had. He had a reverse problem, which has its own, separate poem and song.

FIRST POEM:

"Brokenhearted"

Here I sit, brokenhearted
Came to shit, but only farted

Later on, I took a chance
Tried to fart, and shit my pants

#
Therefore: If one is constipated, one is "brokenhearted" until the poop train chugs through and out.

Furthermore: Never trust a fart!

We do indeed have stories about the consequences of trusting a fart, or, trying to pass gas without pooping.

THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM? One announces "Some people think it's funny!" as one dashes into or out of the bathroom. This poem is a song that you may know.

SECOND POEM:

Some people think it's funny
But it's really wet and runny
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

Yes, there is a whole entire song for the second poem. The addition of "Cha Cha Cha" to the "Diarrhea Song" refrain was popularized in the 1990s MTV cartoon by Mike Judge, "Beavis and Butthead."

You're sliding into First
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

You're sliding into Second
And you need a disinfectant
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

You're sliding into Third
And you lay a great big turd
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

You're sliding into Home
And your pants begin to foam
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

No strain, no pain
No sitting like a train
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

You're climbing up a ladder
And you hear something splatter
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

You're swimming in the pool
And you feel something [un]cool
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]

#

DO YOU SING THE SONGS OF MY PEOPLE, INFIIDELS?

Have you ever been Brokenhearted by being literally full of shit?

Have you ever thought that some people think it's funny if or when you may have accidentally crapped your own pants?

Lament and woe, lament and woe. Songs and poems help us go.

... go POOP.
 
Why are so many West Virginia homicides cold cases?
Because the DNA all matches and there are no dental records.

What did the West Virginia gal say a moment after losing her virginity?
"Git up, daddy, yer crushin my Marlboros."
 
What is BMW's biggest headache with workers who quit?
They never give any indication that they're leaving.

Difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
On a porcupine, the pricks are outside.

Cheapest part of a BMW?
The owner.

If life seems pointless, remember that somewhere, a person spends his whole day installing turn signals on BMWs.
 
Guy walks into a bar and sees three men and a dog playing poker. "This has to be some prank," he thinks, so he goes over to watch the game. The dog is really playing, though. It shuffles the deck, deals cards by pushing with his nose, antes up, and barks in his bets. Finally the guy says, "I thought you guys were messing with everyone's heads, but now I think I'm watching the world's smartest dog." One of the players winks and says, "He aint as smart as he looks. Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
 
A billionaire says to one of his execs, "Take a look at this photo." It's a picture of a young woman with very odd features. The exec says, "Jesus, what happened, did an I-beam fall on her face?" The billionaire says, "Well, that's my daughter."
The exec says, "Well, sir, I can see she deals with life's afflictions like a champion."
The billionaire says, "Oh, I know she's nothing to look at. And the way she repeats everything, she'll drive you crazy. But she's a gentle soul. I'm searching for someone to take over this corporation when I retire, and that person should be my son-in-law..." The exec takes another good look at the photo, and the billionaire says, "You know, at that certain time of night, you can just pull a bag over her head."
A year later, the exec is living in a spacious penthouse, and he's about to hang an original Picasso on the wall. He looks down from the chair to his wife and says, "Don't just stand there. Get me the hammer."
She turns and says, "Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and returns with a hammer.
He says, "You get it that I also need nails, right?"
She turns and says, "Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails, and he proceeds to hit his thumb with the hammer. He screams out a loud, long "FUUUUUCK!!!!"
The wife turns and says, "Get the bag, get the bag, get the bag..."


(I wish to state that several of my friends are women.)
 
ideologyhunter said:
What is BMW's biggest headache with workers who quit?
They never give any indication that they're leaving.

Difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
On a porcupine, the pricks are outside.

Cheapest part of a BMW?
The owner.

If life seems pointless, remember that somewhere, a person spends his whole day installing turn signals on BMWs.
Click to expand...
Bad experience with a BMW once?
 
Lenny: Hey Chuck, I received this weird statement. Can you help me figure it out?
Chuck: Sure, what does it say?
Lenny: (Reads) "This statement is false."
Chuck: If the statement is true, then it says it's false, which means it can't be true.
Lenny: Say what now?
Chuck: If it's false, then it means it's not false, which means it's true.
Lenny: So it's true?
Chuck: No, because if it's true, it has to be false.
Lenny: You’re saying its false.
Chuck: Right, but if it's false, it has to be true.
Lenny: (Confused) So now you're saying it's true.
Chuck: Yes & no.
Lenny: That wasn’t a yes or no question Chuck.
Chuck: That’s both true & false.
Lenny: (Frustrated) What's the answer?!
Chuck: There isn’t one.
Lenny: (Throwing hands up) This is crazy!
Chuck: Lenny, it’s both true & false.
Lenny: So it’s not true?
Chuck: Exactly.
Lenny: But it’s not false either?
Chuck: You’ve got it!
Lenny: (Sighs) This statement is useless.
Chuck: Now that’s true!
 
Give a man a fire and he will warm for a night.
Set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

After 112 years it amazing that the pool on the Titanic is still full of water.

The latest Barbie from Afghanistan is now available.
It is a blow up doll.
 
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In a game of rock-paper-scissors, the guy who threw rocks won the game but lost the murder trial.
 
Lady's maid says to her, "I deserve a raise, ma'am."
Lady says, "And why is that?"
The maid says, "Lots of reasons. First, I'm twice the decorator you are."
The lady says, "Says who?!"
The maid says, "Says your husband."
The lady makes an "Mmph" sound and says, "And??"
"And I'm twice the cook that you are."
The lady says, "Who said that?"
The maid says, "Your husband said. And I'm twice as good as you, in bed."
The lady says, "I suppose my husband told you that."
The maid says, "No ma'am. I got that from the landscaper."
The lady says, "Well, how much were you thinking?"
 
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