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Joke gallery

Did I hear a request for cow jokes?

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they're lactose.


Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.


What do you call a cow leaving an abortion clinic?
Decaffeinated.

What? There was no request??
 
Sales have flatlined at KFC. A desperate Col. Sanders, having tried everything else, calls the Pope. He says, "Your holiness, I will donate a million dollars to your wonderful church if, at your next appearance, you change your prayer to say, 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope answers at once, "Oh no, these are the words of our Lord. They must never be changed!"
A month later, sales are even worse. The Colonel puts in a second call and says, "Your holiness, again I ask you. If you will change the prayer, I will gladly give your church ten million dollars!"
The Pope says, "Even for those riches, I cannot, I will not alter the words of our Savior."
The Colonel says, "All right, I'm begging you. If you will pray in public for 'our daily chicken', my corporation will donate ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS to the church."
A day later, the Pope calls his archbishops to a conference. He says, "I am joyful to tell you that KFC is giving one hundred million dollars to the church. On a sad note, I must inform you that we have lost the Wonder Bread account."
 
Country legend Willie Nelson is in the news today regarding an illness. That's so sad.

There was this one time at this townie bar where the shots of Jack Daniels flowed along with the endless pints of Miller Lite and cans of Michelob Ultra. It was late, and I suddenly noticed WILLIE NELSON himself, grizzled, drunk, and hiding out in a back booth of the bar.

Drunk off of my Daisy Dukes (it was a while back), I cozied up to him in the booth. Ohh lord, I was starstruck. We started fooling around in the booth, and, it was one of those back road bars, really dark, so, I got really into it, I wanted to impress him, you know... so, I, um, well, I went down on Willie Nelson in the back booth of some dark townie bar. I gave him the best BJ I'd ever given.

omg it was so hot, and so wild, and let's say that he really really enjoyed it. When we finished, I sat back up to wipe my mouth off and brush my hair, and he said to me, "That was the best BJ I ever had in my life, lil darlin, but I gotta tell ya one thing. I ain't Willie Nelson."
 
Janice Rael said:
Country legend Willie Nelson is in the news today regarding an illness. That's so sad.

There was this one time at this townie bar where the shots of Jack Daniels flowed along with the endless pints of Miller Lite and cans of Michelob Ultra. It was late, and I suddenly noticed WILLIE NELSON himself, grizzled, drunk, and hiding out in a back booth of the bar.

Drunk off of my Daisy Dukes (it was a while back), I cozied up to him in the booth. Ohh lord, I was starstruck. We started fooling around in the booth, and, it was one of those back road bars, really dark, so, I got really into it, I wanted to impress him, you know... so, I, um, well, I went down on Willie Nelson in the back booth of some dark townie bar. I gave him the best BJ I'd ever given.

omg it was so hot, and so wild, and let's say that he really really enjoyed it. When we finished, I sat back up to wipe my mouth off and brush my hair, and he said to me, "That was the best BJ I ever had in my life, lil darlin, but I gotta tell ya one thing. I ain't Willie Nelson."
Click to expand...
Don’t feel bad; that’s what he tells them all.
 
Janice Rael said:
Country legend Willie Nelson is in the news today regarding an illness. That's so sad.

There was this one time at this townie bar where the shots of Jack Daniels flowed along with the endless pints of Miller Lite and cans of Michelob Ultra. It was late, and I suddenly noticed WILLIE NELSON himself, grizzled, drunk, and hiding out in a back booth of the bar.

Drunk off of my Daisy Dukes (it was a while back), I cozied up to him in the booth. Ohh lord, I was starstruck. We started fooling around in the booth, and, it was one of those back road bars, really dark, so, I got really into it, I wanted to impress him, you know... so, I, um, well, I went down on Willie Nelson in the back booth of some dark townie bar. I gave him the best BJ I'd ever given.

omg it was so hot, and so wild, and let's say that he really really enjoyed it. When we finished, I sat back up to wipe my mouth off and brush my hair, and he said to me, "That was the best BJ I ever had in my life, lil darlin, but I gotta tell ya one thing. I ain't Willie Nelson."
Click to expand...
If that’s a true story, I’m visiting Jenkintown, PA
 
Sunday. Time for more Pope jokes.

Trump dies and sneaks into heaven using Alec Baldwin's ID. A half hour later, heaven's security team locates him. "It's you, Donald. Alec Baldwin is still down on earth and you, sir, are going to hell." They drag him to the edge of a cloud and kick him in the ass. As he falls, he sees the Pope coming up. He says, "Your holiness -- you died today, too?"
The Pope says, "Yes, I did, but I'm so happy. I'm going to meet the Virgin Mother!"
Trump says, as he plummets past, "You're about 20 minutes too late, my friend."

A specialist is treating the Pope for a urinary infection. He says, "This is serious, Your Holiness. This is what took John Paul II from us. I must tell you, it has everything to do with the vow of celibacy. If you had intercourse, even once, it would reboot your system and we could cure you, I think."
The next day the Pope meets with his advisors. He says, "I have prayed about this, and I will go through with sexual congress so that I may continue to lead the church. You must search for a partner, but my visions tell me there are four preconditions. First, she must be a good Catholic, and she must simply believe that she is participating in a sacrament. Second, she should be blind, and unable to recognize me. And third, she should be deaf, in case I should cry out and she should know my voice."
The chief councillor says, "And the fourth precondition, Your Holiness?"
The Pope says, "Great..big..tittays."

A limo arrives to take the Pope to the airport. The Pope tells his driver, "My son, they never let me drive at the Vatican. For just this one little trip, I would like to sit behind the wheel." The driver is reluctant, but this is the Pope. So they take off, and almost immediately the Pope floors it. He speeds through a red light, takes corners on two wheels, and sings hymns at the top of his lungs. After two minutes of this, a cop pulls them over. He goes to the driver's window, looks in, and goes back to his car. He radios his chief.
He says, "Chief, I got a situation here, and I don't know how to handle it. I should give this guy a ticket, but this car is owned by a powerful, powerful celebrity."
The chief says, "Well, who are we talking about?"
The cop says, "I don't know yet."
The chief says, "But you said he was a powerful celebrity."
The cop says, "He has to be. The Pope is chauffeuring him."
 
Regarding Pope jokes, ohh, here you go. From the 2015 Papal Visit:

Janice Rael

September 22, 2015 at 9:47 AM ·

These are the only foods permitted in Philadelphia during the Papal Visit:

Breakfast treats: Pope Tarts
Lunch: Sandwiches made with Grey Pope-on mustard
Munchies: Buttered Pope-corn
Dinner: Breaded Pope chops with brussels spopes
Drinks: Pope-si Cola and Diet Pope-si. And remember, it's soda, not Pope.
Frozen treats: Popesicles
Pizza: Pope-a John's
Liquor: Pope-ov vodka
Candy: Lollipopes

In addition, here are other requirements for the Papal Visit:

Preppies must Pope their collars
Bathrooms must be scented with Pope-purri
Children must sing "Pope goes the weasel"
Potheads must refer to their smoking implements as "Popes," not pipes
Junkies must use opiates derived from Pope-ies in the field
That TV show with Martha Plimpton must be renamed "Raising Pope"
That TV show with the two young waitresses trying to save money must be renamed "Two Pope Girls"
Landscapers must refer to small trees as "Pope-iarys," not topiaries
Cat owners must refer to the contents of the cat litter box as cat Pope
Dog owners must curb their pets and clean up all the dog Pope
Superman must say "Pope, Pope, and away!" when flying
Parents changing their babies' diapers must call the contents "baby Pope"
Phillies fans must say "This season was bad, but we have high Popes for next year"
Eagles fans must say "We haven't given up Pope for this season"
Flyers fans must Pope each other's eyes out when fighting
Princess Leia's hologram must tell Obi-Wan Kenobi that he's her only Pope
Your email client must be set to receive from a Pope3 server
The City of Philadelphia must be renamed Popeadelphia during the Papal Visit
All of the Papal Visit porta-potties must be called "Pope-a potties"
You must wash your hands after you go Pope, or at least use the hand sanitizer in the Pope-a potty

Happy #PapalVisit, Popeadelphia!
 
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little

Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
 
A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and sits down. He notices a sign next the bar that says, "Free beer for life if you can complete The Challenge. Ask at bar for details."

So he walks over to the bar and asks the barman, "So what's this challenge then?"

The barman says, "Okay, well, there's a pitcher full of tequila in the corner. You have to down that in one go. Next, you have to run outside. There's an alligator out there with a sore tooth. You have to pull out that tooth. Then, run upstairs. Up there you'll find my wife. She's never had an orgasm in her life. I want you to go up there and give her the best sex she's ever had. If you can complete all three tasks you will be entitled to free beer for life. You think you're up to it?"

The man thinks for a moment then says, "Okay, deal!"

He runs to the pitcher full of tequila and proceeds to down the whole thing in one go.

He then stumbles outside. There is a lot of screaming and growling and snapping coming from outside. Finally, after about 30 minutes, the man returns. His shirt and jeans are ripped to shreds and he is covered in blood.

The man slurs, "Right. Where's this woman with the sore tooth?"
 
A farmer goes into a bar and orders a double shot of Glenlivet.
A woman two stools down says, "What a coincidence. I just ordered a double shot of Glenlivet."
The farmer says, "Well, I'm celebrating."
The woman says, "What a coincidence. I'm celebrating, too. We've been trying to have a baby for years, and I just found out I'm pregnant."
The farmer says, "What a coincidence. My chickens have been infertile for years, but as of this week, they're all fertile."
The woman says, "What did you do to make them fertile?"
The farmer says, "I tried switching cocks."
The woman says, "What a coincidence."
 
What's the difference between a rooster and a promiscuous person who has lovin' with men?
One says "Cock-a-doodle-doo," the other says "Any-cock'll-do."
 
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